INTERCESSORY INTROSPECTION

Nine years ago today----tho it's not Thursday, it is a throwback.
A throwback to the first time I ever heard the word biopsy as it related to me.

But God....now as then, used today's My Utmost for This Highest "Intercessory Introspection," to minister to me.
According to Chambers, the psalmist implies in Psalm 139, many of God's attributes. "God of the early mornings, God of the late at nights, God of the mountain peaks and God of the seas."

Omniscient. Omnipotent. Omnipresent.
"But God goes even beyond that---with further horizons, deeper darkness, higher peaks and greater depths." My last nine years have been a testament to that. Through all the ups and downs, and unexpected bumps in the road, God has been there,

As Chambers states, "Thou who art the God of all of these, be my God." was and still is the prayer of my heart.

Now, as I look back I see the Lord's answer to my request. His omniscience hemmed me in---behind and before, He laid His hand upon me. (Psalm 139:5) Before my diagnosis, throughout my cancer journey and even nine years, later,  His full knowledge of all of me, guides and protects me.

Still His Son is intercessor on behalf of all believers. A deep personal truth worth introspection.

Choose introspection

Too much introspection, for many, can be more harmful than good. The lower case letters are that reminder for me.
So...I certainly didn't plan a two "cuppa" quiet time.
But God.....had me in a mental, physical and emotional"introspecting" state throughout the day.
But....in fact, it was a spiritual introspection with the other listed factors thrown in for clarity.

It all started this morning when reading my 2009 journal entry for January ninth. that date was the first time I had ever heard the word, biopsy, as it related to me. I had also written that Dr. Schneider said, "It doesn't look like cancer but that's where we start in order to rule it out." Boy, was he wrong! But God wasn't.

Even that day I had read in my devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, on "Intercessory Introspection" and from Psalm 139 that God knows when I sit and rise, what words I will say before I say them---for He is the one who created me. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Throughout the day I did dwell on so-o-o-o many positives that were a result of my cancer and my roller coaster year of surgery upon surgery to rebuild my face. So many blessings---mainly because I knew that the Lord had answered the prayer I had prayed in 2009, "Lord, if it doesn't matter for eternity, I'd rather "it" not be cancer." How much easier it was to recall that prayer and know that the "CANCER" answer was His answer. God's best for me. It would count for eternity.

As today was winding down, God affirmed my introspection as I picked up a "new" gift. (which is a blog entry in and of itself) My gift, the devotional book, Savor LIVING ABUNDANTLY WHERE YOU ARE AS YOU ARE 's 1/9 entry spoke right to my heart.

"Blessings & Curses" and scripture citation, centered at the top of the page, was contextually about Joseph comforting his brothers who had left him for dead but overall it's a perspective of seeing how God can show good in one's life when situations seem so adverse.
You (cancer diagnosis, in my thinking) "intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." (Genesis 50:10)

The author expounded on the intent of wanting to savor life saying,  "When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief........to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that's celebration."

In hindsight or introspection of said event, I can see my rare MAC cancer as one of the BIGGEST BLESSINGS of my life. An event worth celebrating.

REFOCUS NEEDED

My heart hurts! Not necessarily for me, but especially for others. 

The last two weeks have been filled with tragedy for many in my "friendship circle" and in the household of faith. Physical pain. Emotional pain. Fear. Grief.

Sudden death of a grandson of a Pi  Phi sister, unexpected death of 39 year old girl racquetball champ from hubby's team, deaths of 2 mothers of Bible study chums & a high school chum, death of a younger brother of former Houston High teacher, painful treatments for multiple myeloma of a dear friend with a stem cell transplant looming, lung cancer of friends brother, neighbor's daughter facing surgery, and a less than perfect diagnosis for my MAC cancer mentor, Michèle.

What is one to do? Continue to pray comfort and strength for those with such great loss and Romans 12:12 for those in midst of struggles that they will remain joyful in hope, patient in affliction and fervent in prayer. Prayer might not sound like much "doing" but it's the best thing to "do" during those dark times---offer prayer..

Refocus & Recall... Michèle's Words

"Uncertain of the future, but sure of the One who holds it"

LOVE SONGS

Love songs----an entire night of love songs, what a gift!! (Will unwrap this gift later.)

Actually this treat began as a wrapped gift under the tree. Opening the gift was just the beginning, albeit a good one.

Hubby gave me "flex" tickets to the Memphis Symphony "Pops" concerts. Last night we used them for Love me Tender: The Great Elvis™Love Songs.

A real date night* which began with dinner at eighty3 (in Madison Hotel)

including my fave dessert, crème brûlée---with fresh whipped cream, no less......

.....and continued with good seats, (orchestra section on the aisle) and a great Elvis program which the symphony and Terry Mike Jeffery showcased skillfully. Elvis songs that most "seniors" in attendance remembered well---thus a smiling audience. The overture included hymns "How Great Thou Art" and "Battle Hymn of the Republic." The final encore song was one of my favorites, "Can't Help Falling in Love."

Elvis may have left the building but his music remains and we enjoyed every lingering bit of it-----in fact, I'm still smiling as I type up this "gift" of love, songs included for free!

*This date night was a great diversion as it became my focus. Most years (since 2009) on this date, I have focused on how many years it has been since the first time I heard the word biopsy, as it related to me----with the diagnosis, additional biopsies and ensuing treatments, surgeries etc. I still remember that day and the dread that the word "cancer" brought to my heart---long before experiencing the blessing it would truly become.

In My Face 1/13/2009, 5:02 PM

Past entries are always front and center in my journal style devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest." Some make me smile---like births, a grand's milestone or first word.
Other entries.... not so much.

Today's jotting sounds ominous and would seem one of the "harder" entries to recall.
Dr. Schneider called at 5:02 pm tonight with cancer diagnosis. (asking if I were sitting down, as I recall) ---rare microcystic adnexal carcinoma---will need to come out--deep  and major reconstruction will be required...."
Yet.....

....the 1/13/09 entry reminded me of a grim diagnosis with an iffy prognosis that became a year of incredible blessings and the life of abunDANCE that followed. 

Gift Giving Remediation

Six years ago today I first heard the word "biopsy"..... and life as I knew it would never be quite the same. That C word has a way of staying in my rear view in a way that hopefully helps me relate to others. This afternoon, friend Jerrie came over to share a bowl of soup and a needful chat. She lost her older sister, Juanita, to that dread disease while we were in Colorado and I wanted to be there for her.
But, she was there for me as well---and came bearing a gift.

A gift that was beautifully wrapped and filled with the best---chocolate-covered nuts.
Even the finishing touch blessed my "insides." A message that made me smile---a gift that took on a life of its own---an extra blessing for me.

Jerrie has a knack for gifting---genuine heartfelt gift-giving----wrapped in finery as well as love.

I need lessons. I could learn from her.

SATURDAY RE-BREWS: TEAch-able

1/18/14 Weekends are times for wandering.....so for a season, the Saturday blogs will be a re-brew. A Re-write. I hope to re-write some blogs from the last 5 years. More concise. More focused and in the same format.

TEAch-able will be the first cuppa.

But the Comforter, even the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said unto you. (John 14:26, ASV)

Re-reading my 2/28/09 blog entry today, had me asking myself, "How teachable am I in 2014?" 

"Why do I seem to continue to need re-teaching, especially in the area of trust?" Remedial trust classes?" Or.....maybe be sent to "time-out" to see if "being still" can make a difference in my recall of God's word and all He has done in my past to prove His faithfulness.

In 2009, my classroom was a cancer diagnosis with a grim prognosis. An initial surgery could last 18-22 hours. Possibility of 8-10 surgeries spanning over a year. A good chance of losing my gums and having to rebuild my sinus cavity with titanium. Such a medical foreboding had my listening ears perked. I desired to "hear" more from the Lord, knowing that though "he slay me," as Job said, I was ready to praise HIm.
Suffering can bring one into a TEAch-able position---prostrate before the Lord.

Psalm 23 is a psalm of trust and confidence in the God for not only the moment but for all one's future moments as well. Psalms---a good place to go for re-teaching IF one has a TEAch-able spirit.

"negativi-TEA"

1/10/12 negativiTEA is a cuppa that I serve others way too often as each new year begins. I know that because I have a post-it® note in my journal that warns me----a funk is coming. An irritability coupled with a darkness that is overwhelming. The scribble really serves as a reminder to accept it and not be blind-sided. Acceptance with preparation----know that there is a brighter day coming. (Usually within the 2nd week of the month.) Only a few more days, maybe.

I've been asking self, “Is it hormonal?” Is it because of the 1/9/09 cancer diagnosis? Emotional let down from holidays?

What ever the cause, the effect is one of pessimism. I become Negative Nelly or Dotsy Downer, as daughter dubs me. Life’s focus is one of disapproval---the flaws of others, the faults and foibles of self.

NegativiTEA is a hard cuppa to swallow. I choke on it myself. Why do I serve it to others, especially loved ones! I don't intentionally serve it but my cuppa seems to slosh over and "dampen" their lives, as well. I think negativiTEA must be the beverage of choice for those in the pit. So....I just need to get out of the pit.

My post-it® note had a suggestion---a spiritual RX of sorts. Time in word during holidays might help. (I wish I had dated that note to track the timetable of this annual malady.)

I need to remember the One "who redeems your (my) life from the pit, who crowns you (me) with steadfast love and mercy, (Psalm 103:4)

Praises for the One who can hear my cry, bring me up of the of the pit, and redirect my footsteps----even putting a new song in my mouth----a song of praise. (Psalm 40:1-3) If others see that in my life during this time may they know it flows from His cuppa, not mine. Grace: His antidote for my negitivi-TEA.

TRANSITIONS

3/27/11

A life in flux. Just like the ever changing weather lately----the storms and dreary days with lower temps just keep rolling in and out. My closet reflects those transitions.

A life in flux, indeed. That phrase sums up these last 18 days. I’ve transitioned from a gal who loaded her pill box with just 3 hormones per week plus vitamins and calcium to the “old people box” of real drugs and an aspirin per day. (3/9-3/25)

My role of a daughter of a physically healthy 89 year old dad was changed (3/13) when he became a recovering stroke victim with both increased memory loss & cognitive decline along with speech and physical impairment. With Larry’s mom, (Mommar), I transitioned emotionally from “experiencing” her dementia/Alzheimer's life to the sudden diagnosis (3/16) of metastasized cancer with the anticipation of much pain and required hospice.

Even abrupt changes in “roles” were evident this weekend; daughter/therapist for Daddy at a rehab center in Nashville, daughter-in-law encourager for Larry’s mom who just didn’t want to get out of bed, grandmother (aka Shug) for Owen as we shared the experience of Madagascar Live!

Flux. Change. Times of transition. Whatever the nomenclature, it is my life. I have been both anxious and discouraged.

But God……..

“It is well, It is well, through the storm I am held” is the transition chorus that was sung at church today between the lyrics of “Day after Day” and the old hymn “It is Well With My Soul.”

Day after day our God is reigning


He’s never shaken,

my hope is in the Lord


Time after time our God is faithful


Trustworthy Savior,

my hope is in the Lord.

---“It is well. It is well, through the storm I am held.”

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll;

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

What a great “life” transition reminder for me---“It is well, It is well, through the storm I am held.” (Although maybe storm should be plural.)

Unrealistic Expectations

7/7/10 Reality has a way of nudging, or sometimes shoving us away from cozy assumptions. Life can turn on a dime. Those cozy assumptions can fly out the window and we can be hit head on with reality that can be excruciating. My friend, Bernie, at age 17 was driving the car, when the wreck occurred that took her mother’s life. Laura Bush in her recent memoir, Spoken From the Heart, tells of running a stop sign at age 17 and striking another car that resulted in the death of Mike, a classmate/friend, from her high school. Over the years she has learned that tragedy is no respecter of persons & “if onlys” are fruitless.

Other turns might not be as tragic but they can certainly cause a seismic shift in our thinking. Cancer diagnosis, a spouse who just needs space so he/she walks out the door, needy aging parents, disappointment in children and their choices, downsizing, or just plain warn out with living in the frantic pace and global tragedies of 2010.

Maybe we just need to let go of the unrealistic expectation of ever living in a completely “fair, sane, just, and loving world.” (J. Viorst) It just isn’t going to happen, this side of heaven. To expect that is unrealistic. People will disappoint us. We need to take the stress/pressure off our loved ones by no longer “demanding” that they be perfect. We want them to meet our every expectation. But, suppose they don’t. It’s all that supposing that makes us miserable. Suppose our life turns on a dime tomorrow? I need to give it all up and just trust the Lord. How ‘bout you?

The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace,

Because he trusts in You.
Trust in the LORD forever,

For in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock. (Isa. 26:3-4)

N---again!

12/31/09 Though “N” sections in the dictionary and the phone book are relatively short compared to the other alphabetical offerings, I have to include another “N” here because it is NECESSARY. That’s it. As 2009 closes out tonight, I would be remiss if I did not remind myself (and you, dear reader) that Jesus is necessary. I have never seen that in my life the way I have this year. He has been absolutely essential and indispensable for the Liles this year as we have faced my (MAC) cancer and ensuing surgeries, Grandaddy’s numerous ICU stays followed by his funeral, Mommar’s increasing “dementia,” a miscarriage, and engagement.

A few years ago I taught Luke 10:38-42 passage both at First Evan and at Germantown Methodist and I came face to face with myself. You probably know the story of the two sisters who welcome Jesus to their home. Mary sits at His feet and listens and Martha. “distracted with all her preparations,” asks the Lord to tell Mary to help her. But God….the Lord tells her that she (Martha) is worried and bothered about too many things, when only one thing is necessary. Can you guess which sister had chosen the one good thing? It wasn’t Martha.

38 Now as they were traveling along, He entered a village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home.39 She had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord's feet, listening to His word. 40But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, "Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me." 41But the Lord answered and said to her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; 42but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her.(Luke 10:38-42)

I have lived many years as a “Martha”---a “driven” doer, a caretaker and a goal setter. This past year I have had time, thanks to the cancer diagnosis, to be a Mary---a Mary in a Martha world. The world kept going as normal but it was necessary for me to take time out and spend time at the Lord’s feet. He was NECESSARY in my life.

He is still necessary. He is my life!

Counseling Comforter

12/1/09 I like comfort----extraneous comfort is something I DO enjoy!! That’s why I have a stack of squishy down pillows and piles of sheets, light-weight blankets, comforters and coverlets all on the bed at once with my HHS “signed “friendship” quilt (gift) across the foot. At the foot of each bed in the house I have “nap blankies” to pull up and add to my resting comfort depending on where I am when I “hit the wall” each day--- Hoptown chum’s, cross quilt (gift) on the “mud” bed (a Liles term for Tempur-Pedic mattress) my grandmother’s quilt in the guest/Mommar’s room, and my teacups afgan (gift) on the window seat in the computer room. It’s also why I have a BIG prayer chair with wide enough arms to hold my morning “cuppa” and my “gift” prayer shawls. Plus, my closet houses more comfy clothes with pockets and adjustable/expandable waists than “decent” clothes and certainly more than formal attire.

Since MAC (my rare cancer), I have had folks from everywhere ministering to me and offering LOTS of extraneous comfort. I’ve probably brought some “sunshine funds” to the brink of bankruptcy and depleted pantries all over the Mid-South while overusing all my prayer warriors. But God…....He doesn’t go bankrupt, get depleted or overused. I know that. He has been my counselor extraordinaire since diagnosis day, January 13. He knew what was down the road for me. Because He understood my future He was the One who could direct my path. I didn’t have a clue---and neither did most of the medical world---but He did. And that was great comfort to me. As I walked the path set before me, He offered comfort through so many of His children.

Christ, the Father of Compassion and the God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (II Corinthians 3-4)

He Himself was my Comforter…..and still is.

Piece to Peace

9/22/09
When I received the cancer diagnosis last January, I had some choices to make. Some of them were logistical---actually a lot of them were logistical and seemed to be ever changing. However, the choice to give this piece of my life to God was not difficult at all. Some folks might marvel at that, but before you put me on some “faithfulness” pedestal, I have a confession. That choice was not difficult for me because I didn’t really have control over what had happened. It “was what it was”---mycrocystic adnexal carcinoma. Life happens---“it is what it is” and much of it is out of our hands.

The swap--giving my piece of a “cancer victim life” to God--was replaced by His incredible Peace. So what’s the problem, you wonder? The problem is me. Other “swaps” in my life still don’t come as easily. When I think (wrongly, of course) that I have some control over a situation, then it is harder to turn it over to Him. Children’s choices, economic “stretches,” work obligations, to name a few.

What does God’s Word say about all this sinful fretting? For one thing, submission is necessary. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety upon Him because He cares for you. (I Peter 5:6-7) Then, when we’re anxious for nothing, He gives that Peace that we can’t even comprehend. (Philippians 4:6)

Six months ago I gave God a big piece of my life---a rare cancer. In return, He gave me an even bigger PEACE---His Peace that passes understanding. As stated in Jesus Calling’s 9/12 entry, His Peace is a continual gift to me, I just have to receive it.

Today I sought peace, I pursued peace and I found peace---or it found me as I turned pieces of me and my struggles over to Him-- moment by moment. May I continue to receive His gift of Peace. Remembering that He cares for me, may I lay at His feet all those shattered pieces of my life, those cares and concerns that rob me of joy, and receive His Peace. What an exchange!

The results are in

1/19/09 pm Much of what I had written this morning changed as of a 3pm phone call from Dr. B. (plastic/recon man) A dear friend was sitting beside me and I gave her a thumbs up when I heard he had gotten the report and it was not in the bone---answered prayer----BUT---the surgery can no longer be done w/ the mohs procedure. Dr. B. also said that he was not comfortable doing the surgery which was going to be more extensive than first thought. He said to talk to family tonight and he'd talk to us tomorrow---b/c he knew of 3 places that had 1 (whatever 1 is) MD Anderson in Houston---he thinks there's 1 at Southwestern in Dallas or Washington University in St. Louis. Son Buddy is checking w/ Dallas doc---in surgery at the moment---Josh is checking Sloan Kettering.

Jesus Calling this am said "Seek my face." My answer was from Psalm 27:7-8----Hear my voice when I cry, O Lord. Be merciful to me and answer me. My heart says of you, "Seek His face." Your face I will seek. There was the answer I had written en my prayer journal. One more detour on the journey but know how grateful I am for each of you and how much I appreciate the prayers---please include my family as well. 1/19/09 am MLK day so all teachers are off so I don't feel weird yet about not being at work. Early quiet time with Dren's prayer shawl over my shoulder---felt good in more ways than one. Call from brother, Buddy, the family lexicologist, yesterday to ask about my "Big MAC" attack made me smile as he used the acronym for my cancer to tease me a little. Tomorrow is D-Day for me---I hope it's the beginning of my liberation from this Big MAC attack by a Mohs surgeon not someone/or technique unknown---but God…it's in His hands.

Diagnosis

January 13th my mom, Dotsy, was diagnosed with microcystic adnexal carcinoma. Microcystic adnexal carcinoma (MAC) is a rare, malignant appendage tumor commonly classified as a low-grade sweat gland carcinoma that typically occurs on the head and neck, particularly the central face. 

This is not Mom's face. Hers is on the right side of the face.

It shows aggressive local invasion but has little metastatic potential. There have only been 300 cases documented worldwide.