FRISSON OF FEAR

Frisson of fear is what happened to me as I waited for the latest biopsy results. 
Fear the antithesis of trust.

I  didn't scream out to others for prayer but I turned inward somewhat, though not exactly in a spiritual way. 

It was like a pall hanging over me---a dark pall of worry. 

Worry the antithesis of contentment & peace. (Philippians 4:6-7)*
Source of fear is NOT from the Lord. (2 Timothy 1:7)**
Discouragement can follow fear and dismay is close behind. (Isaiah 41:10)***

A bedside reminder from a dear friend and MAC mentor.

But God....in His love, mercy and great love reminded me of those truths from His Word. (Ephesians 2:4)

The biopsy was benign......but the diagnosis requires ongoing observation and treatment. Recently I had "bragged" to a friend that I now no longer had to go to doc every 6 months.
Lesson learned. No more bragging assumptions from me---I am not in control! 
"I am not in control" is a praise because I know the One who is sovereign.

Frisson of Fear be gone.

*For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

**So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

***Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with   thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

WORDS OF WISDOM

Real "wordsmiths" have a way of saying the most with the fewest words.

My dear friend and MAC cancer mentor, Michèle Phoenix, has once again done just that.

INTERCESSORY INTROSPECTION

Nine years ago today----tho it's not Thursday, it is a throwback.
A throwback to the first time I ever heard the word biopsy as it related to me.

But God....now as then, used today's My Utmost for This Highest "Intercessory Introspection," to minister to me.
According to Chambers, the psalmist implies in Psalm 139, many of God's attributes. "God of the early mornings, God of the late at nights, God of the mountain peaks and God of the seas."

Omniscient. Omnipotent. Omnipresent.
"But God goes even beyond that---with further horizons, deeper darkness, higher peaks and greater depths." My last nine years have been a testament to that. Through all the ups and downs, and unexpected bumps in the road, God has been there,

As Chambers states, "Thou who art the God of all of these, be my God." was and still is the prayer of my heart.

Now, as I look back I see the Lord's answer to my request. His omniscience hemmed me in---behind and before, He laid His hand upon me. (Psalm 139:5) Before my diagnosis, throughout my cancer journey and even nine years, later,  His full knowledge of all of me, guides and protects me.

Still His Son is intercessor on behalf of all believers. A deep personal truth worth introspection.

Choose introspection

Too much introspection, for many, can be more harmful than good. The lower case letters are that reminder for me.
So...I certainly didn't plan a two "cuppa" quiet time.
But God.....had me in a mental, physical and emotional"introspecting" state throughout the day.
But....in fact, it was a spiritual introspection with the other listed factors thrown in for clarity.

It all started this morning when reading my 2009 journal entry for January ninth. that date was the first time I had ever heard the word, biopsy, as it related to me. I had also written that Dr. Schneider said, "It doesn't look like cancer but that's where we start in order to rule it out." Boy, was he wrong! But God wasn't.

Even that day I had read in my devotional, My Utmost for His Highest, on "Intercessory Introspection" and from Psalm 139 that God knows when I sit and rise, what words I will say before I say them---for He is the one who created me. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Throughout the day I did dwell on so-o-o-o many positives that were a result of my cancer and my roller coaster year of surgery upon surgery to rebuild my face. So many blessings---mainly because I knew that the Lord had answered the prayer I had prayed in 2009, "Lord, if it doesn't matter for eternity, I'd rather "it" not be cancer." How much easier it was to recall that prayer and know that the "CANCER" answer was His answer. God's best for me. It would count for eternity.

As today was winding down, God affirmed my introspection as I picked up a "new" gift. (which is a blog entry in and of itself) My gift, the devotional book, Savor LIVING ABUNDANTLY WHERE YOU ARE AS YOU ARE 's 1/9 entry spoke right to my heart.

"Blessings & Curses" and scripture citation, centered at the top of the page, was contextually about Joseph comforting his brothers who had left him for dead but overall it's a perspective of seeing how God can show good in one's life when situations seem so adverse.
You (cancer diagnosis, in my thinking) "intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." (Genesis 50:10)

The author expounded on the intent of wanting to savor life saying,  "When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief........to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that's celebration."

In hindsight or introspection of said event, I can see my rare MAC cancer as one of the BIGGEST BLESSINGS of my life. An event worth celebrating.

Dance Step "E"

Book: When Wallflowers Dance: Becoming a Woman of Righteous Confidence

Author: Angela Thomas  A Springboard for "Dancing with the Lord" 

There is….a time to dance….Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 (NKJV)

The Message version of the concluding verse says it well---

You did it: you changed wild lament into whirling dance;

You ripped off my black mourning band and decked me with wildflowers.

I’m about to burst with song; I can’t keep quiet about you.

God, my God, I can’t thank you enough. (Psalm 30:11)

A KJV version whether "written on the tablet of one's heart" (Proverbs 3:3) or hanging at her backdoor, emphasizes "mourning turned into dancing" by Him.

Dance step “E” Extending & Encouraging

D eciding, Delving, Discovering  (Psalm 119: 139 & 160)

A ccepting & Attending (1 Thess. 2:13)

N oticing God’s Hand in ALL Circumstances (Genesis 50:20 & Romans 8:28)

C elebrating God’s goodness and being thankful (1 Thess. 5:18)

E xtending lessons learned during one’s own struggle as a way of Encouraging others. (Psalm 89:1)

Last week's Dance Step "C" dealt with celebrating God’s gooness in all aspects of life and giving thanks in all the "little" things. Big blessings tend to result as folks fill their heats with gratitude, which results in even more celebrating. 

Wrapping up the D.A.N.C.E. aspects of "Dancing with the Lord" included 2 movements for "E"----extending and encouraging. 

Extending = sharing one's story/journey/struggle with others. 

“I will sing of the mercies of the LORD for ever: with my mouth will I make known thy faithfulness, to all generations” (Psalm 89:1)

Encouraging =  (even above my fireplace)

An 10/8/09 letter from MAC survivor, Michèle  encouraged me to share my story with others---to extend the blessings I discovered in the middle of a cancer journey as a way to encourage others in the midst of their struggles. 

Teaching “dance lessons” this summer and celebrating Michèle's upcoming July 4th seven years of survival, I was reminded of the responsibility I had learned from her....(WORTH THE READ)

.....we all  have, as “household of faith” survivors of what ever tough place of hurt or painful struggle we have encountered, to stand at the top and call down to those still struggling to the summit.  Whether they’re emotional, physical, or spiritual, the mountains we’ve conquered are not ours to own, but ours to share.  

We might not always want to revisit the pain we’ve suffered or the crippling we’ve endured, but if we don’t offer them to others as a testimony of God’s sustenance and love, our fellow travelers may not have to courage to find their way to the top. 

My encouragement to you, Dotsy?  

Speak of the treacherous paths and looming precipices you’ve known, tell the story of your climb, the tale of your survival.  And when you’ve reached a place that is beautiful and stable and “breathable,” call down to those who follow and tell them of the strength that comes from surrendered weakness, of the peace that comes from vulnerable faith.  Tell them that you stumbled.  Tell them that you wanted to give up.  Tell them that you were bruised by doubt and battered by despair…but that you made it.  You.  Made.  It.  And the view from the summit of survival?  It’s priceless.

So......from my heart and above my fireplace, "I hope you dance" and tell others (extend to them) how the Lord orchestrated your dance that your words might to encourage them. ( TX Doris for the pic)

In My Face 1/13/2009, 5:02 PM

Past entries are always front and center in my journal style devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest." Some make me smile---like births, a grand's milestone or first word.
Other entries.... not so much.

Today's jotting sounds ominous and would seem one of the "harder" entries to recall.
Dr. Schneider called at 5:02 pm tonight with cancer diagnosis. (asking if I were sitting down, as I recall) ---rare microcystic adnexal carcinoma---will need to come out--deep  and major reconstruction will be required...."
Yet.....

....the 1/13/09 entry reminded me of a grim diagnosis with an iffy prognosis that became a year of incredible blessings and the life of abunDANCE that followed. 

"stabili-TEA"

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: (Job 13:15, KJV)

That verse was given in today's (4/1) Streams in the Desert entry. Beside it I had written, "Prayed this as I walked in for the first of many surgeries"--- for my MAC cancer. Baylor Hospital, Dallas (3/16/09)
It's hard to believe that it has been 5 years since the beginning of all those surgeries---even as I reread some of my first pre-surgery entries, I saw that I fully trusted the Lord as my anchor, regardless of the outcome. Why does it seem easier somehow to trust Him in the big things than all those "little daily storms" that come our way?

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. (Hebrews, 6:19, NIV)

One must anchor themselves on to the Lord when in a hard place. Just as an anchor adds stability to a boat or ship, the Lord as our anchor holds us---"come what may---whether wind, waves, rough seas.."
One's confidence in His faithfulness is the true anchor. 

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil ("Cornerstone"Lyrics)

"Stabili-TEA" is a cuppa available to all believers. Hold fast to that firm, secure cuppa.

by permission of T. Parlow as this scriptural art graces the entry to his condo. Terry, who is blind and paralyzed from the chest down, lost Claudia  (his wife, high school sweetheart and caregiver)  4 months ago, after her two + yr. battle with cancer. He has known the Lord as the only anchor for his soul, through all these storms. My Bible marginalia quote (source unknown) Fellowship = "Jesus is the fellow in your ship." When one's life boat hits strong winds, and capsizingly high waves & swells, he/she is desperate for an anchor that holds. 

SATURDAY RE-BREWS: TEAch-able

1/18/14 Weekends are times for wandering.....so for a season, the Saturday blogs will be a re-brew. A Re-write. I hope to re-write some blogs from the last 5 years. More concise. More focused and in the same format.

TEAch-able will be the first cuppa.

But the Comforter, even the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said unto you. (John 14:26, ASV)

Re-reading my 2/28/09 blog entry today, had me asking myself, "How teachable am I in 2014?" 

"Why do I seem to continue to need re-teaching, especially in the area of trust?" Remedial trust classes?" Or.....maybe be sent to "time-out" to see if "being still" can make a difference in my recall of God's word and all He has done in my past to prove His faithfulness.

In 2009, my classroom was a cancer diagnosis with a grim prognosis. An initial surgery could last 18-22 hours. Possibility of 8-10 surgeries spanning over a year. A good chance of losing my gums and having to rebuild my sinus cavity with titanium. Such a medical foreboding had my listening ears perked. I desired to "hear" more from the Lord, knowing that though "he slay me," as Job said, I was ready to praise HIm.
Suffering can bring one into a TEAch-able position---prostrate before the Lord.

Psalm 23 is a psalm of trust and confidence in the God for not only the moment but for all one's future moments as well. Psalms---a good place to go for re-teaching IF one has a TEAch-able spirit.

SABBATH SNAPSHOTS: Michèle!!!!!!!!!!

6/23/13 Michèle!!!!!!!!!! THAT'S 10 EXCITEMENTS! (Owen's perfect definition of exclamation points.)
Michèle Phoenix, with whom I share not only the 1 John 1:3 type of believer's fellowship but also the 2 Corinthians 1:3-7 fellowship which is shared by sisters in the faith on the same side of the struggle. Her MAC cancer journey began a year ahead of mine. She lived in Germany at the time, but God....brought us together using daughter Molly's relentless searching on the internet. Michèle even involved her choral students from Black Forest Academy----who "sang" from afar, songs of encouragement to me. We have sent met stateside 4 times and now that her ministry to MKs (missionary kids) has her living in Wheaton, IL I hope He blesses us with lots more meetings.

"Scar to Scar" celebration at Charlie Gitto's "on the hill" in St. Louis with Michèle Phoenix and her mom.

This weekend we met in St. Louis to encourage her as her book "Tangled Ashes," a great novel with a little mystery intertwined, is in the top three finalist for the ICRS (International Christian Retailers Show) "Christy" award. Being a finalist is BIG and I hope she wins----but regardless,  Michèle is the WINNER in my book as she has continued to live out 2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 for me.

St. Louis pix for Michèle & Sally.

SABBATH SNAPSHOT: Faces of Thanksgiving

1/29/12 Celebrating my "new" face with Dr. Louis Carter, a compassionate man of God and world renowned plastic surgeon, who just this year received the Surgical Humanitarian Award.

Dr. Carter is THE doctor who spearheaded the search for my "team" to do my surgery when Memphis doctors and others declared me "beyond" them. I was unknown to him----but God.........brought him to Memphis---via Africa, Hawaii, Houston, TX & Chattanooga "for such a time" in my life. After a twisty, circuitous path, he found my team in Dallas, TX.

That path was "SEEING GOD'S HAND" in such a way that it still takes my breath and makes me smile at the same time. I will be forever grateful!

September 13, a "Medicare" birthday

9/13/11 You know you are old when.....your birthday cards look like these or have messages that say, "a (medicare) birthday is a good time to remember that potbellies can be kind of cute."Another one welcomed me to the "wonder years--- "....wonder where my glasses are, wonder where I parked my car, wonder why I bought bok choy, wonder why everything hurts, wonder if I locked the door,"----you get the idea.

Misery and aging both seem to love company--some one else who understands. So.....it's fun to laugh together and celebrate God's grace in giving us another birthday.

Daddy always said that he thanked the good Lord for every day he gave him. He truly saw each day as a gift. In part, aging brings about that realization of the gift that life truly is, especially as one reflects on loss of friends, who will never celebrate another birthday.

With my MAC (cancer) diagnosis in "09, I, and my friends, made special efforts to get together and share "time" and other gifts of caring. Today 3 of those very friends are no longer living and I realize how important those gifts of encouragement were. It's time for me to give back to folks of God's choosing. So....I've asked the Lord to guide me through the next year in giving gifts each day to those He brings to mind or puts in my path. (The fearful part of me wanted to give self an out and put week, not day) It might be food, notes or prayers, a visit or donation or the wrapped variety---but I want it to come from Him.

I hesitated to write this because it's sort of like standing up at church when the leader asks those who are "willing" to pray, support or go to literally take their stand by getting up out of the pew. It's putting yourself under scrutiny----holding self accountable, as those who see your "stand" will be judging your actions. Though in my case, I think anonymity will also play a part because a "glory hog" is not needed. It has to be His work. To God be the glory.

Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. (I Thessalonians 5:24)

Divinit---TEA

10/27/10 If you want to taste and see that the Lord is good, (Psalm 34:7) this is the "tea" for you. Just look around you.

Though it's been almost 2 years since I began my cancer journey with MAC, it was exactly 1 year ago today that I embarked on what was to be my final surgery. Technically I had 5 surgeries prior to this, not counting biopsies, but it was not Dr. Ha's desire for this to be the last one. He felt that I needed 2 more to complete the reconstruction of my face so that he and I would both be more pleased with the symmetry.

Some of those events still stand out but the ones that stand out the most are the “but God….events” (Ephesians 2:4) those where God in His goodness and mercy clearly showed me His hand in my life. That’s why I continue to record each day the “Seeing God’s Hand” events on my blog.

As my life after the BIG cancer events returned more to a normal routine, I didn’t want to over look the divine. I wanted my world to still be filled with Him, the divine One……….to continue to see divinity everywhere, even in the daily events. Events so filled with God as to spur me to thanksgiving and worship. Events as simple as sitting in newly painted red Adirondacks, sipping a cup of tea* and watching the leaves fall on my patio.

*Basic chai, a strongly brewed black tea diluted with milk & traditionally consumed hot and sweet, is the perfect tea for such a divine event. Thus, Divini---TEA!

Fireworks Revisited

7/11/10 Last night grandson, Owen, “called” us from the Redbirds game to tell us that he was seeing BIG fireworks and that people kept saying ooh and ahh. I was a little surprised that the noise didn’t scare him but he was saying, “Look.” (We actually could see a little--thanks to the cell phone pic that arrived.) Then we heard Owen oohing and ahhing.
Tonight he called from his B.B. and Poppy’s house because he was getting to see more fireworks---really loud ones too. What joy in his voice as his dad and granddad and Memphis neighbor, Derrick, offered fireworks just for Owen. It was obvious that they delighted in delighting him.

Last Thursday, Jesus Calling mentioned fireworks. “When your Joy in Me meets My Joy in you, there are fireworks of heavenly ecstasy.” This weekend I think the Lord was oohing and aahing as He heard us (Michèle and Dotsy) joyfully celebrating seeing each other. Our joy is a result that comes from all we have in Him---a true fellowship of two believers on the same side of a MAC struggle. Celebrating life & turned toward Him.
That’s like double ecstasy---really loud oohing and aahing coming forth. Real fireworks----that will continue throughout eternity!! Heavenly ecstasy!!

Michèle’s Morsels

7/1/10 One year ago yesterday, I met Michèle Phoenix stateside. The face-to-face / scar-to-scar meeting took place in Louisville, KY where my older brother Buddy lives. The timing, of her being there from Germany for a MI doc appointment, and me being there after a high school reunion weekend, was such a God-thing. Of course, the two of us (MAC victims) connecting at all, especially continents away, was miraculous in and of itself. Musing on all of this I as I read back through my journal, I realized that Michèle mentored me, albeit from afar, and it was her personal knowledge of the cancer and her spiritual grounding that God used to equip me to find joy in my journey.
My memorable morsels from Michèle:

• MAC (our cancer) is a gift we can embrace because it flows from God’s grace;
• Ceaselessly seek reasons to celebrate a life turned toward Him;
• Make note of kindnesses of strangers and the serendipitous occurrences that lend a ray of unexpectedness to your days;
• Acknowledge “Divine Winks;” (similar to my "glory bumps")
• Focus on God’s truths throughout your journey/dance;
• The Center of God’s will might not guarantee physical safety but it does offer utter fulfillment, purpose, comfort and peace;
• We are to each other a priceless gift from a tangible and intimately present God;
• Be a galvanizing inspirer and come to the rescue of others by using your first hand experiences to serve an eternal and invaluable purpose; (A-MEN!)
• In your “new normal” (cancer victim), continue to seek and lean on the One whose love redeems your pain;

Some of these morsels are found in her beautiful book, Postcards from the Waters Edge, which she shared with me early on in my cancer journey. It’s a book that continues to minister to me and one I can share with others who are now in the midst of their own cancer struggle.
http://michelephoenix.com/postcards-from-the-waters-edge/

One week from tomorrow in Nashville, TN where my younger brother, Bobby & his wife now have a condo (near their grands) Michèle and I will meet again. Such another God-thing!

A “GIANT” Cup of Tea

3/13/10 My natural body rhythms seem to be at “peak” in the morning. Even at that, I usually have a “cuppa” to get me going. George Orwell says, “All true tea lovers not only like their tea strong, but like it a little stronger with each year that passes.” A good warm caffeinated** “cuppa” and God’s word. Both stimulate and refresh my soul.

Sipping and savoring. Because of my MAC cancer surgery, I’m actually still sipping through a straw. Somehow the ritual of sipping tea loses some of its bliss when slurping it down through a plastic straw. Plus, the lips aren’t there to warn one of the impending temperature. This morning, I decided to take the plunge and sip my tea sans straw. Not exactly pretty. A little dribble, a little drool, a little drip. Intake began on the left side of my mouth as I tilted my head---then slurping sounds as I veered the steamy liquid to the right side of my mouth where I could no longer feel it. Oh so much more to savor----with a straw it seems to pass the taste buds and go straight down the throat. Eventually I felt drips on my chin and even saw a few that had “appeared” on my nightshirt. Probably won’t be sipping in public for a while longer but the endeavor was commemorated with a few pirouettes in front of the loveseat at Buddy & Day’s. Progress---that’s what I felt as I faced this challenge. Just a little obstacle, but one that felt like a giant. It was robbing me of one of the joys of my life. My friend, Tricia, told me I’m too hard on myself so I’m giving myself a break---that’s why I’m celebrating these small steps toward my much bigger goal.

We all have “giants” to face. Even sipping (slurping) a cup of tea, or at least the embarrassment that comes with it, can loom large in one’s psyche. At this juncture in my life, the aesthetic pleasure of tea drinking is something I don’t want to give up. Help me face down my giant. Celebrate with me over a cup of tea.

**Sorry Dr. Albritton---One of the advantages of surviving cancer is realizing that some things are crucial in life---some people eat extra scoops of ice cream, I indulge with caffeinated tea in the morning.

Shoulda-woulda-coulda……..

3/11/10 .....Larry’s favorite saying about my rearview mirror perspective of life. I have a tendency to second-guess every thing I do. I really have a big “if only” problem called disappointment. Ex. I should have bought those silver spoons in Rome---I’ll never have another chance. Sometimes I can backtrack, with Larry’s prodding, but not always. Regrets. Life can be full of them, from chances missed to miscues in relationships.

Today, as I begin “MAC-tracking” (retracing my MAC cancer event from diagnosis to multiple surgeries and healing) of last year, I realize I have no regrets. None. There’s nothing that I “shoulda” done or “woulda” done or “coulda” done differently. Why? It was out of my hands. What mercy, what grace, what relief, what unadulterated joy there is in that!

I’m in Texas meeting with doctors---hopefully for the last time. Should I have opted for two more surgeries, could the clear margins have been a mistake, would I change anything? All done deals. Moot points---not relevant in God’s plan for me. Everything was bathed in prayer even before the original diagnosis. So…..no regrets.

These past 12 months have been a blessing---my meager vocabulary cannot begin to express my heart. This week as I’ve been preparing to return, I’ve felt filled with emotion almost to the point of tears. I felt as if I were going home. I’ve already hugged the little Texans as they headed out the door to school. Later, I’ll visit doctors; I’ll drive by the hospital; I’ll see Mary Flo. So why these deep intense feelings? Claudia Parlow says she and Terry feel it every time they return to Shepherd Center. Her answer, “The feelings come because that’s where you met God face to face.”

As Thomas Purifoy said about his marriage and his time with his wife, Susan even as she suffered and died with cancer, “No Regrets, Mate.” I concur----there are “no regrets” when you’re right smack dab in the middle of God’s will for your life!

H is for.............Hand of God

12/19/09 Assignment: Look for it today in your life.
I certainly have seen the hand of God at every turn this year in my cancer journey.

Mindless in the Mountains

12/4/09 Is it the altitude? Is it age? Is it MAC muddled mind? Why can I not hold on to thoughts? My mind is like….. a sieve? ……a piece of diaphanous fabric. Words flutter in but don’t stay long enough for me to weave them into a coherent thought---much less express it. Having a conversation with me can be a labor of love. Is that why so many are turning away or just tuning me out?

What attribute of God do I need to focus on for help in this area. I don’t care if it starts with Z, I’ll jump right to it---forget my obsession with ABC order. How else do I stop these whirlpools of words that I can’t quite qrip tightly enough or hold long enough in my grasp in order to have a complete thought?

Yesterday’s Jesus Calling’s first sentence caught my attention. “Do not be surprised by the fiery attacks on your mind…………Don’t let discouragement set in……call upon My name……My name, properly used, has unlimited Power.” Wow!

Another “D” word---He is my Defender---my only defense in the battle for my mind

GLORY BUMPS

“GLORY BUMPS”
11/8/09 Glory bumps……………an ljj e-mail informed me of this pithy term---2 short words with a big connotation. It’s similar to the goose bumpy feeling that one gets when reading a Hallmark card or a story that touches the heart. But “glory bumps” are more than that. Glory bumps are precipitated by an awareness of a “God thing” --- those incidences in our lives with a spiritual connection. God incidences--not coincidences! Glory bumps might result from seeing a miracle or a moving of God’s hand or just from experiencing the grand sense of LIFE that is beyond our comprehension/understanding.

That term, “Glory bumps,” has given me “pause to ponder” today. I have had more than my share of glory bumps these past 11 months. Here are a few of the earthly unexplainable incidences that come to mind and keep me all “a shiver” to the depths of my being.

MAC GLORY BUMPS

1. Michèle---a fellow MAC cancer survivor found by “my” Molly’s tireless “google” search before I even knew much more that the name of my very rare cancer---certainly not the extent of it. Meeting her stateside was a lifetime of glory bumps—one giganic glory bump in and of itself.

2. The Ridleys---Mary Flo and Dave who opened their home and their hearts to me in Dallas before God even completely secured my team there. (Thanks to Sally Klinke, a 1st Evan friend, and her “best friend” connection to Kari S. at Park Cities Pres in Dallas, who knows Mary Flo very well) The Ridleys continued to open their home for each subsequent surgery and for my bevy of nurses that accompanied me. I now call them friends---dear, dear friends.

3. My Team---only God leading Dr. Louis Carter from Africa and Dr. George Burruss from Memphis to a team in Dallas that went full circle from an original recommendation from Dr. Jay Burns (son Buddy’s friend in Dallas) to UT Medical, to Methodist Germantown, to St. Louis, Houston, Dallas Southwestern, and back to Dallas Baylor and Dr. Richard Ha at Dallas Plastic Surgery Institute, office of Dr. Fritz Barton, Dr. Rod Rohrich, (friends of Dr. Carter) and their colleague, Dr. Burns---Buddy’s friend! What a full circle---one that truly reflects the hand of God!

4. Jesus Calling---the little devotional book by Sarah Young that has kept so many of my family, friends, and cyberspace acquaintances on the “same page.” My family tried, unsuccessfully, to find info about this special author on-line, but to no avail. But God………..through a forwarded e-mail from friend, Beth, located her for me. We have since been in touch (from Memphis to Nashville to Overland, KS and to Perth, Australia) Sarah has become a prayer partner and encourager. I hope I have become the same for her.

5. dotsydetails.blogspot.com---Last January, I didn’t even know what a blog was ---but God…………has used it as a way to connect with so-o-o many folks, both known and unknown to me. The blog has allowed others to view “my Dance” with all my missteps and challenges and to learn with me along the way.

6. Prayer---from the first one I prayed on January 10, 2009 after reading the Jesus Calling entry from that day. “Lord, if it doesn’t matter for eternity, may the storm that’s coming into my life not be cancer.” (It was very much cancer--a very rare cancer--so I knew it mattered.)

• Jeff White, pastor at Park Cities Presbyterian in Dallas, during staff prayer time “chose” my name and realized that he in fact, knew that name because Larry Liles had been his racquetball coach at UM. I now know what it feels like to be “be lifted up in prayer”---like a calm after the “glory bumps.”

• Surgery Day prayers at First Evan

• My name above Dr. Albritton's desk to remind him to pray.
  

• Muslim student telling me that she had never seen faith like mine.

• Worldwide prayer warriors---it would take pages to explain the breadth and depth.

• Brother Buddy and Charlotte being baptized Easter '09---it has mattered for eternity and that’s all that really matters.

7. Connections and Reconnections---distant family, my 4th grade teacher, life long friends, high school chums, college roomies, Rawls Hall folks, Pi Phis, former students (and their parents and grandparents) HHS faculty and staff, 42 years of education colleagues and new cyberspace acquaintances-----to name a few.

8. BEST possible outcomes for each surgery. The first prognosis was so grim that Larry asked the docs about tattooing me so that he would know for sure that he would be taking home his wife. I am indeed a “walking miracle” as Ann E. dubbed me. “The most astonishing thing about miracles is that they do happen.” G.K. Chesterton

9. Insurance coming through at just the right time on several occasions-----11th hour took on new meaning!

10. “Puddle Experiences”---a result of too many glory bumps at once—which reduce me to tears! The surprise from friends who lined the end of my street in March with balloons and posters to send me off on the first surgical part of my MAC journey, immediately comes to mind.

GLORY BUMPS, INDEED!!

MY REMINDERS OF GOD’S GOODNESS! I TREASURE EACH ONE OF THEM---THOUGH THE NUMBERS ARE TOO HIGH TO COUNT!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

Suffering: A Book Brief

10/31/09 Librarians are notorious for “book talking.” Therefore, I just have to tell you about a book I read yesterday, Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser. A book a day: One of the advantages of being horizontal and having no agenda.

This book, little in size but big in insight, was especially thought provoking for me as I was already contemplating the universality of suffering. His subtitle is “how the soul grows through loss.” Sittser gives credence to the transforming power of grace in the face of those losses that we all suffer. The loss of a life as we once knew it---before the catastrophe, job loss, divorce, terminal diagnosis, chronic illness or death of a loved one. These circumstances of loss or suffering happen to everyone---believer and non-believer alike. Pain is definitely no respecter of persons. It is our responses that make the difference.

Journal jottings:
Circumstances are not as important as what we do with those circumstances. But there is no prescribed/guaranteed way or timetable for facing our darkness and walking through it---it’s different for everyone.
You can’t quantify or compare suffering. Whether sudden death or a death to life as we once knew it that lingers until we die---what defined us as a person before, is no longer there to hang our hat on. It’s the “new normal” (MP term) and it’s hard. But God………..

Catastrophe interrupts the orderliness of life that I prefer. It puts a “sudden halt to business as usual.” (Sittser, p. 33) One of the worst aspects of loss/suffering is the sheer randomness of it. Quadriplegic and only in his 20s, two melanoma bouts and now Lyme disease, paralyzed and blind, MAC and breast cancer, uterine cancer, MS, Parkinson’s, MSA, strokes and sudden deaths from “routine” medical procedures, aneurisms…………….and these are just losses and sufferings of God’s faithful ones this past year in only my little realm of the world.

Even in loss and grief (suffering) we can still choose to embrace the miracle of the moment. (pleasant, present tense of life today) How? God’s grace---it’s a gift that is there for the taking.

It’s not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us. Sittser’s decision to face the darkness led to overwhelming pain but showed him that the experience of loss itself did not have to be the defining moment of his life----though it forever altered his life---instead the defining moment became his response to that loss. ”Darkness, it is true, has invaded my soul. But then again, so has light. Both contributed to my personal transformation.” (Sittser, p.45)

This is indeed a book for aching souls---those on hard journeys ---journeys that they never could have even imagined and wouldn’t have chosen. Yet, it is a reminder of the availability of God’s grace, not after the darkness of pain and suffering has passed, but even in the midst of it.