Anniversary Angst

7/31/09
Celebrations are a “biggie” at our house---always have been. This is especially true if it’s a birthday or an anniversary date that ends in a 5 or a 0. Hallmark loves us. Therein lies the problem---expectation. In the past, I have come up with memorable ways to mark the occasions of our “significant” wedding anniversaries---usually with a mini-trip and always with a gift----usually the traditional one rather that the modern recommendation that Hallmark gives. I actually started planning for this year’s over a year ago and had hoped to take a trip to a ruby mine, just for fun. There’s one in Cherokee, NC and that’s close to friends whom we love to visit but…………MAC came and plans and resources changed somewhat. Now the big day is just a little over a week away and I’m feeling “pushed” and idealess. So, I need ideas. Here’s where I’m heading---lots of gifts (I'd like to come up with 40) of “ruby red” (just red actually) for my man. So far I’ve decided ruby red grapefruit for breakfast in bed----he loves grapefruit and I’ve already bought a jar of homemade strawberry jam from the Amish in middle Tennessee but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

• 1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven---4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

For almost 8 months we have had lots of weeping and mourning, so this anniversary is a real celebration. If you have any ideas please send them to me at dotsyliles@gmail.com. It’s time to laugh and dance!

Summer’s Last Hurrah

7/27/09
I started to write about this summer swan song but that idiom seemed too morbid for this week’s upcoming end of summer journey. As I am going up that farm road once again, I do expect it to be bittersweet with lots of laughter and more tears. For as the time ends, I'll be saying goodbye to dear friends, from my high school and college days, whom I rarely see. If I'm running from all those emotions that happen every time I have to say good-by to family, I’m probably getting ready to experience similar emotions on this trek.
Obviously God has more to teach me about emotions. Even last night my heart was burdened to pray for all the parents of “missionaries.” As they say good-by to their children (yes, even young adults are still our kids) for long periods of time, they must seek the Lord for strength and comfort as well.
So, for me and for them, I’m packing this verse for meditation on the “All-sufficient One.” May each of us trust in His goodness knowing that He is all we need in the midst of our life’s portion, no matter how difficult it might seem.

• II Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV) But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"Lord, grant me insight into my weaknesses. May I be content with them. May I relinquish them to you and learn from them. May I seek your strength in this area that my life might glorify Thee."

All this to say, I won’t be on-line for awhile because connections “in the country” are virtually non-existent which is probably beneficial for summer’s last hurrah. I return to work on Monday.

Saying Good-by

7/26/09
Awash with emotion. It’s always this way with me when I give and receive goodbye hugs and kisses, especially those slobbery ones from the babies. When immediate family is spread from Tennessee to Texas and New York there are very few times when we’re all together at once. Maybe that’s why I struggle with this mixed bag of emotions. It’s a grieving of sorts that comes with separation from loved ones.

I’m sitting on the balcony of the beach house we rent each year the third week in July, knowing that even that scheduling regularity doesn’t always ensure 100% attendance. Sitting with me is my mixed bag of emotions----believe me, it’s pretty big! It’s especially big right now because two Suburbans full of Texans just left followed by the Memphis trio. NYC twosome and Larry are easing into their day with coffee and I’m out here feeling so sad and somewhat left behind. Just wait ‘til I put Josh & Megan on the plane---I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. On a good year, Uncle Josh and Megan join us at the beach and then Larry and I will usually see him one other time. From a mom’s point of view, that’s not enough.

Then poor Larry is stuck with me for the 9 hour drive home where I try to deal with these feelings. Sometimes that means I try not to “feel” because it hurts----remember, I know how to do the avoiDANCE when it comes to feelings. Sometimes these repressed emotions seem to explode when other of life’s circumstances (often unrelated) bring these feelings to a head. Today I’m praying that the Lord will grant insight from these emotions.

Right now the clouds are rolling in and covering the beach. There’s even lightning on the horizon. Somehow that darkness and thunder that follows the lightning seems to reflect my mood---it’s covering me over with shadows of gloom. The lump in my throat is constricting and my eyes are filling with tears. It seems that we have so little time together and the week goes by so-o-o fast. There seems to be so much felt and so little said---just not enough time to say it all. Even at the beach the tyranny of the “urgent” (feeding, pottying, and napping) can rob us of time.

But God……this week showed me that those urgencies do not necessarily rob me of joy. All that cooking and bathing and reading to the boys was pure joy. That’s where my wandering thoughts began to go as my emotional roller coaster slowed enough to allow me to see the abundance of blessings I had received during the week. (In everything give thanks; I Thess. 5:18) Watching John Parker go from a few timid steps to walking from one room to the next, helping Noah use an old timey egg beater to make chocolate shakes for all the boys, hearing Caleb’s account of learning to snorkel with Pop-Pop, digitally capturing Nathan’s triathlon challenge with Uncle Josh and hearing Owen squeal with delight as he chased his cousins. It was just the ordinary stuff of families who share love. Without the love there wouldn’t be all this hurt. God has shown me that love and pain are not mutually exclusive. They can indeed occur at the same time.

Am I blessed? Yes!! Is my heart aching? Yes!!

My journal is now smudged with tears along with John Parker’s scribbles and when I take this home to type on the computer it will take longer than usual because he also rearranged my “shift” key. Will I be angry? No, but it will probably make me cry as I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay to love and hurt at the same time---that’s why it’s so hard to say good-by. 

So, I’ll just say, “Nite, I love you,” because that’s the Liles way to show love at the end of the day, even if we’re miles apart.

Beach Bound

7/15/09
Heading south and will be joined by 14-16 other family members, fiancés, etc. on Saturday----it’s a tradition the big kids won’t let us relinquish and the 5 grandboys love as well. Larry and I always try to have a few days relaxing time for us before the non-stop onslaught. A typical beach day includes numerous trips to beach and pool, (trust me, if we’re settled in one place, someone is ready to go to the other) naps, meals---lots of cooking, because restaurants shudder when we approach---baths, stories, diaper changes or back to house for potty break as someone is always “in-training, and of course, GAMES---you get the idea!! Love it! Love it!!

This year we get to hook up with Norman and Linda for lunch and a couple of nights with Ken and Diane enroute. We’re excited about that too!

Will be filling my journal with jottings but unless WiFi is available, my postings will be sporadic. Bon voyage.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY BRYAN!!

Birthday prayers for you dear one. Sorry I could never connect via Ma Bell. Trusting Sous to pass along the message now that you are on-line. (sort of) You must be celebrating with all of Isleford--HOORAY!!!

Happy Birthday, MOMMAR!

7/12/09 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMAR!!

Mary Black Liles
One of a kind---without complaint.
Mother of Bobby, Larry, Susan & Bill
Mostly quiet and reflective
Always a loving wife
Rightly related to the Lord!

She’s with us for few days so I’ll be off-line.

Fruit #3 -- PEACE

7/11/09
Tetchy is a word my grandmother used. I thought she was just mispronouncing touchy because of the context in which she used it. Years later I realized how “spot on” she was as she used it to describe some rather disagreeable folks---bad-tempered, crabby/cranky/grumpy, difficult, You know the type, just plain irritable. That’s what I’ve been lately---at least on the inside. I’ve tried to blame it on lots of things---age, fatigue, lack of hormones, etc. All of these characteristics are symptomatic of people not at “peace.” Peace is in the spirit and soul of people who abide with Him, who seek Him out and delight to spend time in His Presence.

I want that---but I feel as if I need to “escape” in order to do that. I have been hiding behind my writing and preferring not to go out. What if my inner grumpiness and irritability came out for all the world to see. What kind of testimony is that?

Frankly, monkhood (is that a word?) was sounding appealing to me----do they take women? It would at least be an escape from the “tyranny of the urgent” that swirls around me---demands of people and obligations of life in general. What I really want is more time in His presence.
Yet, even when there has been more time that usual, I’ve been like an adult with A.D.D.---having trouble concentrating (coherent thoughts are out the window) focusing on a task at hand (beyond my capability) thus no closure on a myriad of responsibilities needing my attention. Decision making takes a toll and I forget to follow through on those I do make, even if they’re written down. Wonder if Monastery is listed in the Yellow Pages? Oops, they probably don’t have phones.

The preceding paragraph is not a word picture for peace. Peace is exactly the opposite. It is a quiet but potent attitude of serenity and good-will toward others despite the bumps in the road of life. Reality is full of adversity. But God…………

Today’s Jesus Calling reminds us that people who seek the Lord instead of the world’s idols of possessions, status and self-aggrandizement, experience His Joy and His Peace. God who is the Source of our love and joy is the Source of our peace. Inner peace is impossible unless it is from Him.
Once more God used one of His own to minister to me. An e-mail from Michèle reminded me of the truth of the occasional sinkholes from battling MAC:

• ….after the energy that kept us sane begins to wane...we can find ourselves depleted on a physical, emotional and sometimes relational level. We've given so much that it feels like there's little left for the smallest of tasks or commitments.

• It feels silly, really, after having undergone so many surgeries, that something as trivial as going out to coffee with friends might feel overwhelming, but it's precisely BECAUSE we were so brave that our bodies and minds need a bit of respite…………. I think it's okay to allow those parts of us that are battle-weary to take a bit of a breather and want to be less active.

I’m not leaving for the abbey (yet) but maybe I’ll incorporate a little of the balance of monastic life ---by going to bed early and rising for prayer and time with Him so that my focus is right and I will once again be living the ordinary life extraordinarily well because it will be an overflow of His presence and His peace. “….My peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27)
Tranquil not tetchy!

BTW, the Benedictines do take women.

Joy wrapped in chocolate can quickly melt & leave a mess.

7/10/09
“When economy sours, Tootsie Rolls soothe the soul,” was how the article from March 24, New York Times read. (An adorable picture of Memphian, Piper Gray, who’s in Manhattan on a journalism internship, accompanied the article.) I’m not so sure about that, I think, as I sit typing & munching on chocolate that Michèle brought me from Germany. I’m not a Tootsie roll fan but I so love my chocolate. Sweets can be one of those quick and temporary, and sometimes seemingly necessary fixes to lift our spirits and offer relief. This I “get” because my sweet tooth is often first in line for a “treat” when I’m feeling down----though the relief is temporary and my muffin top is more permanent. I have a friend who keeps Snickers in her freezer for such times. (I know because I’ve shared them with her. That’s what friends are for---right?)
My “down” times usually are a result of “fretting.” Fretting and worrying, as I said yesterday, are the opposites of joy. This worrying can make the “pleasant present” absolutely miserable---until we choose to change our focus. Regrets can do much the same to our psyche. Again, we need to refocus. In most instances much of what we worry about never comes to pass and those regrets that tie us are past issues, in most cases now out of our hands, so we should just leave them there, in the past. These blur our joy. So, do as Michèle has taught me---focus on what you know. Here’s what I know about joy.

• Laughter feels good so I rejoice in having a hubby who makes me laugh.

• Having fun can release me from the bondage of worry so I’m looking forward to a week in Florida with the entire family. Worries are not to be packed and taken with me.

• I enjoy the abunDANCE of grandsons in my life.

• Delighting in the Lord allows him to problem-solve for me.

• Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.

• German chocolate is tasty and okay to eat for the “right” reasons.

• God is the source of all joy.

• Joy is more about Whose I am than who I am or what I have.

• “Joy of the Lord is my strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)

• Aligning my life with His will for me gives me great joy.

• Knowing Him, therein lies my joy.

• His joy is eternal.

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. (Psalm 16:11)

As I read over the list it almost sounds "pat" or rote like those e-mails I receive. This is my way of helping me refocus today---sometimes just reciting scripture helps me do that. Often I need all the help I can get because for me refocusing can be down right hard.

The more focused I am on what/Who brings me joy, the less I’ll need the chocolate that gives me the 30-60 second lift/boost of spirit and often the miserable after feeling or the urge for more empty calories. Today I know real joy---SWEET!!

Joy Multiplied

7/9/09 Multiply joy; share with others.
There must be something to this pass it on idea----it’s like getting more for your money, more bang for your buck, more blessing for your “bit” of effort. “Double your pleasure----Double your fun"---Double your blessing when all’s said and done.
Give, and it will be given to you; a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over, they will pour into your lap. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return." Luke 6:38

Maybe if we’re not finding much love or joy coming our way in life, we need to find someone needier than we are and pass on what bit we have. Just reaching out to someone else can be a blessing but often in my life, when I’ve had eyes to see, I’ve seen God return the blessing twofold. Today as Larry and I took some muffins and fruit to welcome a new neighbor to our street, we met delightful Susan, who loves the Lord & preaches the Word. Isn’t God good?

Of course, joy isn’t always easy. Some of the greatest joy comes from the deepest sorrow. It has been said that our portion/cup of joy can only be as deep as our portion/cup of sorrow. Believe it or not, joy really is a gift---unlike temporary happiness that can come when we “buy” ease/comfort or security. We can choose true joy even if the price tag includes pain and suffering/sorrow or endurance and faithfulness that we never new we had. Six months ago today I heard the word biopsy for the very first time. I even heard the word cancer being spoken to me not someone else---though Dr. Schneider thought the tissue removal procedure would rule out that diagnosis. Whatever sadness or fear those words brought to bear, there was and has always been a calm in the midst of that storm. When the diagnosis was positive, there was real acceptance, not a sorrowful resignation. And the blessings began to flow………..I saw the goodness of the Lord in so many of you!! You were my “land of the living” that ministered to me day after day, week after week and month after month and my soul is braver and more joyful that ever before. The sign at my backdoor, where friends enter, declares that my sorrow has been turned into joy! I bet my new neighbor will like it.

• “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing….. and girded me with gladness,”(Psalm 30:11)

JOY

7/8/09
JOY! JOY! JOY! Pass it on!
Journal Jottings---Sitting at Methodist Breast Center awaiting my turn, I realize that the opposite of joy is worry. The faces sitting across from me are not exactly radiating joy either. But God……has taught me through my MAC Dance that joy is not dependent upon circumstances. Joy is not to be confused with happiness because the “source” is different. The source of happiness comes from the people, events and happenings in my life. Those happenings = happiness or sadness. Joy, on the other hand, (God’s Hand) is a quality of the Spirit filled life that transcends those “happenings.” Philip Keller says, “Joy is a divine dimension of living.”
Jesus first.
Others second.
Yourself last!
How true that acronym is for me---the greatest joy comes when I am focusing on the Lord and others, not my condition or my circumstances. Want to “feel” better? Do something for someone else---something that will bring him/her enjoyment. Feelings indeed follow actions. Don’t wait to feel like it before you take action.

Written by Two Listeners in the 1930s, God Calling’s June 30th entry had this to say about joy---fruit facet #2.

• Take joy wherever you go. You have been much blessed. You are being much blessed………..Pass every blessing on.

• Love can and does go round the world, passed on the God-currents from one to the other. (A lot like what I learned yesterday---His love in us given to others.)

• Be transmitters these days. (Am I transmitting joy and blessing to others?)

As always, Jesus Calling is right on target with my “circumstances.” “I am ….in all; your communion with Me transcends both time and circumstances. Be prepared to be blessed bountifully by My Presence. When your Joy in Me meets My joy in you, there are fireworks of heavenly ecstasy.”
Now that’s JOY!

Love that Corn

7/7/09
Fresh corn in the summertime. Mmmm, mmmm, mmm----yum, yum! Nothing better. Fresh picked “sweet” corn eaten on the cob isn’t quite as easy to maneuver with my new mouth so I spent the morning cutting it off the cob for “fried corn” as my grandmother, Mama Davenport, taught me. The first slice is carefully done so that only the tips of the kernels are removed. Slice #2 gets the middle of the kernel and #3 goes a little deeper. Then, you “milk it” by pulling the knife backwards up the cob. For me this is an outside job, a real labor of love, because the corn “juice/milk” splatters everywhere and it takes time to get a skillet full---20-24 ears.

Maybe all that work got to me because I pictured the corn on the cob as an analogy of the fruit of the Spirit. Each ear had kernels from the same source and yet some were different in size and “condition”---from full and plump to sort of shriveled. That’s just like the facets/qualities/characteristics of the fruit of God’s Spirit in me. Some days my kernels of peace and joy might look like big ripe kernels---mature and “tasty” for the watching world to see. On the other hand, my “patience” kernels are near the end of the stalk, not as mature and a little farther from the source. Those kernels look a little dried out. There’s probably not much flavor. It’s hard to imagine the taste of fresh corn. Folks aren’t drawn to choose corn where most of the kernels are shriveled because they know it’s probably not very “tasty.”

How about me? Am I walking in the Spirit? Can people see the fruit of the Spirit in my life. Can others taste and see the goodness of the Lord by observing my actions, especially in the area of patience?

THOTS---How about my source? I know Galatians 5:22,23 list 9 qualities of the fruit of the Spirit. I also know that love is listed first. Yet, I’m still meditating on this because, to me, that first quality seems to be the “source” for all of the others. Because of His love, the other qualities of joy, peace, patience, kindness, etc. can be present in my life. God is love and it is His love that reproduces the fruit of His life in me---that love that I can show to others---a reflection of Him. Hmmm---that quality of love that I can show to others. Maybe that’s it----maybe I’ve found the answer to my own ponderings.

Fruit Facet #1---LOVE

7/6/09 Love is the First Fruit.

LOVE…..bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (I Corinthian’s 13:7, KJV) was posted above the check-in counter as I went this morning to pick-up my mammogram films (again) from the Women’s Health Center, I had planned on meditating today on, 2 Timothy 1:7, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”----mainly because of my middle of the night fears about today’s upcoming mammogram. But God……had a deeper verse for me and He had it in LARGE letters where I couldn’t miss it. So, I’ve been reading several translations. The New Living Translation has given me “food for thought” and that’s just what meditation is all about.

• Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (The New Living Translation)

• Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. (Amplified Bible)

• Puts up with anything,Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. (The Message)

Thinking on these things (Philipians 4:8)----translations of (I Corinthian’s 13:7), I’m headed out the door for the mammogram.

FIREWORKS

7/4/09
Wasn’t planning on “blogging” until Monday-----but God……………..was planning on writing about fruit of the spirit---but God…………..so now I’m here typing about “ugly stuff”---my tendency to have a “come apart” just because not one, but two of my pencils quit on me in the middle of my prayer/quiet time----I’m also polishing off a 15 stick pack of Extra gum, “Classic Bubble” flavor. Why? I haven’t a clue----okay, maybe I do a little bit. I have just had a glorious week of reconnecting with family and old friends and connecting with a very special “new” friend and yet somewhere along the way I haven’t felt connected to Him as I returned home. Oh I know I’m connected---because He never lets go. But……….Home is reality----there’s no escaping, which can be my path of choice sometimes. Thank goodness I had lunch with a dear friend yesterday and dinner with more dear friends last night or I might have really chosen to ESCAPE by hiding out.
I have been “fretting” and “stewing” in my mind for weeks now mostly over stuff I cannot control and it’s taking its toll. Circumstances can do that when they become your focus.
But God………….used My Utmost for His Highest entry today to remind me that I need to “Fret not.” (Psalm 37) My marginalia showed PTP (Practice Thy Presence) Today I added Praise, Thank, Praise! I have so many notes, asterisks** and BOLD underlines on this one entry that I decided to let you read it for yourself---make your own notes—-& maybe have your own heart convicted.

ONE OF GOD”S GREAT DON’TS

"Fret not thyself, it tendeth only to evil doing." Psalm 37:8 (R.V.)

• Fretting means getting out at elbows mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say "Fret not," but a very different thing to have such a disposition that you find yourself able not to fret. It sounds so easy to talk about "resting in the Lord" and "waiting patiently for Him" until the nest is upset - until we live, as so many are doing, in tumult and anguish, is it possible then to rest in the Lord? If this "don't" does not work there, it will work nowhere. This "don't" must work in days of perplexity as well as in days of peace, or it never will work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work in anyone else's case. Resting in the Lord does not depend on external circumstances at all, but on your relationship to God Himself. (emphasis mine)

• Fussing always ends in sin. We imagine that a little anxiety and worry are an indication of how really wise we are; it is much more an indication of how really wicked we are. Fretting springs from a determination to get our own way. Our Lord never worried and He was never anxious, because He was not "out" to realize His own ideas; He was "out" to realize God's ideas. Fretting is wicked if you are a child of God.

• Have you been bolstering up that stupid soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God? Put all "supposing" on one side and dwell in the shadow of the Almighty. Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about that thing. All our fret and worry is caused by calculating without God.

Wynellen had also reminded me weeks ago of the June 1 entry in Streams in the Desert, which focused on worry/fretting. “What possible use does your worrying serve?” (I know the correct answer here---sometimes I just don’t live like I know it.) “…yet you worry as if you were the captain of the vessel.” (This vessel called life.) “….implore you to not (emphasis mine) give in to despair. Hopelessness constricts and withers the heart, rendering it unable to sense God’s blessings and grace.” “………….causes you to exaggerate the burdens of life and makes your burdens seem too heavy for you to bear. “ (Madame Guyon)

Happy 4th If you hear “fireworks coming from my way, it could be because I’ve been fretting instead of abiding, and repressing feelings instead of giving them to the Lord. All of that is “calculating without God” and could easily cause an explosion. But God………….He loves me and so (today) I choose not to fret and not to give in to despair. I have to do this one day at a time because I know I’m just one “fret” away from calculating without Him.
May my fireworks (today) be a declaration of the freedom and grace I have in Him.