Tetchy is a word my grandmother used. I thought she was just mispronouncing touchy because of the context in which she used it. Years later I realized how “spot on” she was as she used it to describe some rather disagreeable folks---bad-tempered, crabby/cranky/grumpy, difficult, You know the type, just plain irritable. That’s what I’ve been lately---at least on the inside. I’ve tried to blame it on lots of things---age, fatigue, lack of hormones, etc. All of these characteristics are symptomatic of people not at “peace.” Peace is in the spirit and soul of people who abide with Him, who seek Him out and delight to spend time in His Presence.
I want that---but I feel as if I need to “escape” in order to do that. I have been hiding behind my writing and preferring not to go out. What if my inner grumpiness and irritability came out for all the world to see. What kind of testimony is that?
Frankly, monkhood (is that a word?) was sounding appealing to me----do they take women? It would at least be an escape from the “tyranny of the urgent” that swirls around me---demands of people and obligations of life in general. What I really want is more time in His presence.
Yet, even when there has been more time that usual, I’ve been like an adult with A.D.D.---having trouble concentrating (coherent thoughts are out the window) focusing on a task at hand (beyond my capability) thus no closure on a myriad of responsibilities needing my attention. Decision making takes a toll and I forget to follow through on those I do make, even if they’re written down. Wonder if Monastery is listed in the Yellow Pages? Oops, they probably don’t have phones.
The preceding paragraph is not a word picture for peace. Peace is exactly the opposite. It is a quiet but potent attitude of serenity and good-will toward others despite the bumps in the road of life. Reality is full of adversity. But God…………
Today’s Jesus Calling reminds us that people who seek the Lord instead of the world’s idols of possessions, status and self-aggrandizement, experience His Joy and His Peace. God who is the Source of our love and joy is the Source of our peace. Inner peace is impossible unless it is from Him.
Once more God used one of His own to minister to me. An e-mail from Michèle reminded me of the truth of the occasional sinkholes from battling MAC:
- ….after the energy that kept us sane begins to wane...we can find ourselves depleted on a physical, emotional and sometimes relational level. We've given so much that it feels like there's little left for the smallest of tasks or commitments.
- It feels silly, really, after having undergone so many surgeries, that something as trivial as going out to coffee with friends might feel overwhelming, but it's precisely BECAUSE we were so brave that our bodies and minds need a bit of respite…………. I think it's okay to allow those parts of us that are battle-weary to take a bit of a breather and want to be less active.
I’m not leaving for the abbey (yet) but maybe I’ll incorporate a little of the balance of monastic life ---by going to bed early and rising for prayer and time with Him so that my focus is right and I will once again be living the ordinary life extraordinarily well because it will be an overflow of His presence and His peace. “….My peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27)
Tranquil not tetchy!
BTW, the Benedictines do take women.
