"Grace, Grace, God's Grace"

5/31/09 GRACE THOTS

• Grace precedes peace in scriptures.

• Resistance to accepting God’s grace is pride.

• Not much grace evident if we don’t let go, and instead keep trying to control.

• If more “doing” than “being” in our faith walk, we could be missing grace.

• Self-sufficiency can detour/sidetrack us from the benefits of grace.

• Pain avoidance can slam the door on grace---blocking God’s provision.

• His grace in the midst of pain and suffering can allow us to discover more of Him---result = life with meaning and purpose---it’s a deep level of intimacy.

• By God’s grace, potential problems can be avenues for blessings and the result = growth.

• His grace empowers my weaknesses. It is amazing!

“My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today’s entry in My Utmost for His Highest said, “ Put God first in trust. If I trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone, I will become bitter because I have insisted on man being what no man can ever be----(perfect) Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else.

BTW, tomorrow’s Monday. Find a grace verse and meditate on it. Let me know what you find---and learn.

Grace and peace to each of you. I will probably be off-line for next 10 days due to both planned and possibly unplanned events---will write when I can, but posting could be difficult.

Encouragement for My Dance

This was not the blog I had started writing earlier today but it is the RIGHT blog. This e-mail came from Michèle---my friend from Germany, who is a year ahead of me in her microcystic adnexal carcinoma journey. She calls it her McJourney and she is the one who understands so well all that I go through because she has been where I am. She continues to encourage me and to be accepting of my humanity while she reminds me of the One who loves me---and as I had written earlier today, "in my weakness, He is strong." My journal jotting read, " a juxtaposition of my frailty and God's strength." As you read, may you be encouraged by her as I was.

Dotsy, I just read your blog. And about two hours ago, I finished writing a blog of my own that somewhat parallels yours. Mine is about the year-end emotional roller coaster of BFA, not necessarily about the emotional turmoil following the trauma of your last months, but the conclusions I write about work for both situations. Correction: the conclusions work for all situations, because they allow for human weakness and post-roller coaster emotional exhaustion and they point us toward the one immovable point in the constantly swirling "dance" of life.

It's a bit like ballet dancers who have to "spot" as they turn pirouettes. They keep their eye on one spot on the edges of the room and, while their body turns, keep their eyes anchored there, whipping their heads around only to reclaim that spot as their immovable point. The same is true for what we've been through. In a sense, we're locked in an emotional pirouette we can't control and we mostly manage to keep our eyes on that fixed point. But sometimes, during that fraction of time when we have to whip our heads around to keep up with our bodies, we lose sight of it. We flounder a little. We doubt a little. We wish a little that it were not so hard, not so long, not so wearying. We tap into the very real human side that God loves so much in us. And He says, "Look over here--turn your eyes back to the spot that has stabilized your world before. I can do it again. Turn your eyes back to me." And we do--as you will soon, I know. But I also know that there will come more spins, more losses of eye-contact, and even in those circumstances all we'll need to do is trust and wait for our revolving journeys to turn us around to that heart-position where we can claim His peace and confidence again. Please don't be too hard on yourself during these more fragile times. They're what remind us of our frailty so we can cling more firmly to His strength!

I'm praying for you right now, on the gorgeous evening in the foothills of the Black Forest. The valley outside my windows is cast in the day's final golden rays. It's my favorite time of day--my students and I call it "The Goldening." I'm praying for serenity and endurance.

Michèle

BATTLE FATIGUE

5/29/09 Battle weary............
Up since 4:15 a.m. with anxious thoughts whirring in my head. How’s that for a confession from someone others have been extolling lately because of her faith in hard situations. It’s a battle folks. I know many people prefer to read my dance and tea type entries---they’re usually more fun to write too. But today the dance that is looming seems to be the old avoiDANCE. I’m not quite out there dancing on my own yet but I have been assuming the “wallfower” position---just not even wanting to get on the floor. That dance floor is slick with reality. I don’t want to stumble. I don’t want the world to rate me and thus rate the Lord because I miss a step. This isn’t “Dancing with the Stars” but I feel as if there’s an entire world out there watching. I don’t want to be relegated to the “So You Think You Can Dance” segment of life either---the cynics jeering and thinking, it wasn’t real after all. It is real---God is always faithful. I’m just the one struggling at the moment. In my head I know I can dance because I know Who has chosen me as His partner. I’m just having some heart difficulties right now.
After tossing in bed with prayers turning every which way but upward (mainly inward), I went to my prayer chair and began to pour out to the Lord. For me, that meant writing a list. I wrote “Dreads and Worries.” The list was long. I looked at it and thought about it and tried to ask the Lord about it and my stomach just churned and I even felt shaky. Finally---I “chose” to fret and stew far too long---I wadded up said list to throw it away. I walked all the way out to the curbside trash (Herbie Curbie, my mother used to call it) and deposited my list very glad our pick-up day is Friday----that’s today. I need instant “pick-up” to keep me from going back and physically retrieving THE list and focusing on it again---maybe even checking off items taken care of. This was a list I really didn’t need to “stew” over any longer.
The hard part was going to be not mentally retrieving the list. That’s were most of my battles are---in my mind. I need to take the good thoughts captive and regard the other thoughts as the enemy seeking to rob me of my joy. First line of defense began as I returned to my prayer chair and opened my grandmother’s Bible to Jeremiah. That’s where my summer connections group will be studying this summer. The first thing I noticed was the tidy 52 chapters----great for a chapter a week study for a year. It’s also home to one of my all time favorite verses, chapter 15, verse 16. Since that deals with eating God’s word, I began to nibble. I didn’t get very far---just chapter one---but that’s all I needed.

I’m not sure how theologically sound my interpretations are but God---did you hear that, But God………met me right where I was and these are words that jumped off the page along with ideas I gleaned from His word----mostly THOTS right now as I Trust Him On This Subject. Jeremiah Chapter 1

• “To whom the word of the Lord came”----my marginalia, 52x that is mentioned—I highlighted 4x in chapter 1, not sure if "came also" counts---that’s a THOT

• “Before formed in womb, I knew you---before born, I consecrated you, I appointed you” (God knows me too and has set me aside---just for a different purpose.)

• “Go where I send, speak what I command” (feel not qualified, He qualifies and provides the message)

• “Put my words in your mouth…..to build and to plant” (His word is power, not mine)

• "Gird up loins….arise….speak all I command. Do not be dismayed before them, lest I dismay you before them.” (I’m typing, I’m typing.)

• “They (my thoughts) will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord.” (verses 17-19 sound like “fighting” words. I told you it was a battle.)

I can dance! I can dance when I “choose” to join Him in the dance of life, even though the floor is slippery!

I can dance!!

BLOGGLE

5/28/09 Blog + Boggle = BLOGGLE A game we always take to the beach each summer is Boggle------it’s a game where you try to take the jumble of letters and create words before the sand runs out in the hour glass (3 minute glass) Tonight’s blog is similar to that. You, reader, have to try to take the jumble of words here and try to make coherent thoughts out of them. This is a peek at my random thoughts as I have continued to think on subjects/ideas jogged by earlier blogs. Good luck.

Journal Jottings---relevant to breath --- Liking holding breath when big boys fell on me at the Kiwanis Pool one summer and I struggled to untangle from their weight and BREATHE--- felt desperate to break the surface of that water and gulp the air----or at the Duncan’s home where I learned to swim with other girls in my brownie troop and we tried to see who could hold their breath the longest.---- ---no other thought but wanting to win but..... SO needing that air---felt that way the night my mouth was sewn together and my nose was stopped up---am I that desperate for Him, yearning to be filled and quenched by Him, my living water? Filled with the fullness of Christ.

THOTS--- Breathe on me O breath of God---how do I know that phrase----hymn, maybe? 

Journal Jottings---relevant to “self” entry Love is conscious acts of self-giving, self-sharing, self-sacrificing and self-abandonment. Opposite =selfishness (source unknown, but taken from old Sunday School class notes) Affirms my earlier thought. 

THOTS---Do I hunger and thirst after rightousness? 

Journal Jottings ---relevant to a “real meal deal” blog My notes from John Piper’s, Taste and See, entry #65 “Faith feeds on the Word of God.” No steady diet of God’s Word----you get weaker and weaker---(like Grandaddy’s heart when it isn’t pumping that life giving blood w/ oxygen through his body) If your walk is getting weaker, check what you’re feeding on. Compare it (eating God’s word) to way you eat---one gulp of juice in the am while reading paper and packing lunches at same time won’t last very long. If such an eating habit continues, you won’t last very long---neither will your faith---you’ll starve it. What does starving faith look like---not much like faith/hard to recognize it (DAL) hard to trust, worship and rejoice in the hard times and lots easier to embrace sin, sometimes even “justifying it.” A starved faith walk is more of a stumble. God’s Word fosters faith. God’s Word is within us so that “your (my) trust may be in the Lord.” (Proverbs 22:18-19) If one really want to feed his/her faith night and day, he/she needs to meditate on the Word of God. We need something of substance (meat of truth) to bite into---that’s the nature of faith. “Faith exists by what it trusts. It has no life but what it gets from the truth it believes.” 

THOTS---Meditation and memorization helps feed our faith hourly, day by day. God’s Word is the best nutrition for a healthy faith walk. “Put faith food in the pantry of your mind”…and walk in faith.

Bitty Blog

5/27/09,,,,an itty, bitty Blog----
This will be more like blog bullets as I update a little. Actually, the only coherent time I had today when I could blog, I had no access----our electricity was out for over 2 hours. Not good when a computer needs “juice.”

• • Grandaddy taken back to ICU at 4:30 a.m.

• • Playing catch up at work continued but minimal stress b/c Angie has covered for me for months.

• • Larry and son, Buddy, and grandson, Noah on a long anticipated “heritage” trip

• • My gracious principal allowed me to use my lunch time to spend the 12-1:00 ICU visiting time w/ Grandaddy.

• • Long nap brought some refreshment to a depleted body---no electricity took away all the distractions from phone to computer.

• • Michele, my MAC survivor friend from Germany, arrives in North America. The possibility that we might meet this side of heaven thrills my heart.

• • Received e-mail from friend,Shirley, expressing well the privilege of prayer.

“I know many of you have your own griefs and sorrows and pains and difficult situations going on and I am remembering to lift you up too! Nothing encourages me to remember to pray for others than when I have pressing prayer needs of my own!”

• • Bernie’s phone message---Hebrews 5:14, “But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” (NASB) THOTS---solid food=God’s word and practice = constant use/exercise of the truth—need to practice! Practice!! Practice!!!

• • Phone call from Pickwick----the Texans and Larry saying, “Nite, I love you.”

Real Meal Deal

5/26/09 (Isaiah 55:1-3) What’s a “real meal deal to you?” Some might say, “…anything as long as I don’t have to cook it.” Or in a similar vein, “…if someone else is picking up the tab.” We all approach eating differently, not only in our food choices but also in our styles. Some are grazers so a buffet appeals to them. Others start by checking out the desserts first and order the rest of their caloric intake accordingly. Some folks even prefer meals because of the time of day they are normally served. How about eating styles---are you a little bite here and there as you savor each morsel and intersperse your dining with conversation? Or are you one who just eats all that’s in front of you as quickly as possible---maybe with a little “Wheel of Fortune” or “Nightly News” thrown in. Leftovers anyone? Some folks love them. Some won’t touch them. Those who enjoy them appreciate the rich flavors that seem to meld over time---just not so much time that they change color. Is your entrée always meat? Does a drink enhance your meal or detract from it. Does “saving the best for last” apply to you as you order dessert? Do you leave the table full and happy and go plop in a chair or do you choose to walk off a little of the meal? How about when you “taste” God’s Word? We all approach His Presence differently---but it’s through His word that we are able to “taste and see that God is good.” (Psalm 34:8) Living in a sin-saturated world as we do, it can be very difficult to find good, especially in the midst of deep pain and betrayal or difficult circumstances. Many people even try to bury the pain or emptiness with more food, often compounding the problem. We’re looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. Like the “happy meals” of our local drive thru, we want something quick, (instant relief) that hits the spot, (meets our desires) doesn’t cost much (of our time, energy or $) and gives us a prize (one we select) in the end. We often use a “happy meal” approach to knowing God. We want Him to quickly meet us where we are, solve our deep gnawing hunger without asking too much of us and give us a prize, this side of heaven. We have unrealistic expectations of life. I heard one gal say, as tragedy struck, “This isn’t the movie I bought the ticket for.” In a way that’s true for all of us the first time “life” really doesn’t meet our expectations. It’s a false theology that teaches that life will always be easy and pleasant. The reality is that pain will come……….but so can joy. Deep joy can come even in hardship and suffering when we are in an abiding relationship with the Lord. We need to quit feeding on these false notions and “feed” on Him. Find your favorite time of day---if you like breakfast food, meet Him then. If you’re a night owl---meet Him for a midnight snack. If you want to graze, write a key verse or passage and take that morsel with you so you can feed on His Word throughout the day. Maybe the next day you could pair the “leftover” verse with a new but similar one to get a rich new taste of truth. If you want to “dine,” add inspirational music or create a cozy spot---maybe a “seat with a view” of His creation. Enjoy! Don’t rush through just to say you’ve noshed. Gorging on large obscure passages can cause pain as well, especially if you’re new at digesting His word. Take a few little bites at first and ask Him to teach you as you savor those truths. Then get up and exercise (put into practice) the truths that He has taught you---the more you use it, the more He will teach you. It will be like an on-going feast where you never get fat in an unhealthy way. Knowing Him takes time and energy but once you’ve tasted the “meat” & had a drink of the “living water,” “His words will become the “joy and the delight of your heart.” (Jeremiah 15:16) Find them and eat them!

Self is Ugly!

5/25/09 SELF is Ugly! A week ago today, I confessed some self-absorption in my life---I wish that were the only time that “self” reared its ugly head. I have some deep convictions about self centeredness----I may move from teachin’ to meddlin’ here, but I think I, and many others, need a wake-up call because life is not all about us. There’s a world of hurting people out there, people with lots of baggage who could use a listening ear. But….we’re (many of us) too busy taking care of #1!

SELF is #1!

S howing E xtreme L ove F or 1st person singular, “I” --me is grammatically correct. I. ME.  Both are self-focused. "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, give preference to one another in honor;" (Romans 12:10) Ask your self when is the last time you put someone else’s needs before your own—in an honoring way---not begrudgingly. This verse is food for thought or meditation since it’s Monday. Most think that the opposite of love is hate but in a way it’s selfishness---because you don’t have room in your heart to love others----it’s too full of SELF! 

Maybe it’s time we all ask God to free us from selfishness---empty our hearts of SELF and fill it instead with His love.

Memorial Day Weekend

5/22/09 Time with a vet----

Last week-end I took time off and spent it in Hopkinsville, KY with a very special World War II veteran, my Daddy. This week-end I’ll be spending it with another special veteran of that war, Larry’s daddy, who remains in ICU. That requires time and energy, especially emotional energy, so I’m not going to be on-line unless there is a medical update.

Larry and I just returned from the 8:30-9:00 p.m. visiting time. I saw answered prayers for which I was grateful: Grandaddy was awake and he could nod answers; he was not in pain; and he nodded affirmation when told he was loved. He cannot however breathe on his own yet and the ventilator keeps him from talking at all. That is very frustrating and he gets agitated because he seemed to have something important to say or ask and we were unable to interpret. This actually produced tears from him and that’s so hard to watch. I had to turn away to hide my tears. Larry was very positive and informative telling him of all the procedures that were “behind” him and the good results. He gave him hope for a better quality of life than he had been experiencing. He verbally acknowledged his frustration and encouraged him to be patient. Then he told him “happenings” from the day and mentioned all the folks who had called. I just held his hand and rubbed his head and prayed. Wish I could sing. I remembered the comfort that brought me when Buddy quietly sang as I drifted in and out after my surgeries. Next time I think I’ll read Psalms to Grandaddy---there’s no tune, but the Psalms were the hymnal of the Jewish people and this "Book of Praises" offers such comfort. Maybe just hearing the words will put a song in his heart and lift his spirit. That would lift my spirit.

Breath Prayers

5/21/09 Breath Prayers
Last night as we gathered around Grandaddy’s (Larry’s dad) hospital bed, we held hands and I prayed. Tears flowed, hands were squeezed. Grandaddy smiled and mumbled thanks. Today I read, “How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe”. (Daniel 10:17)
 I think that must be how Grandaddy felt last night. Having experienced others standing in the gap to pray when I didn’t have the strength, I understood his smile.
Trying to sleep when we got home was a different matter. I had watched Grandaddy struggling to breathe. I have known the fear that comes with being unable to breathe deeply. My mind began ticking just like the old wind up clock that was on my bedside table at 2211. That steady, continual tick-tocking; “what if-–will we,” “can he—if they don’t,” “will she—if he does,” “who can—if we don’t.” On and on the worries and fears dominated the silence of the night until they were like screams in my head. It was as if I were struggling to breathe just as I knew he was.
I had prayed God’s best for Grandaddy and all the family and yet I was living as if I had never uttered a word to the One who gives us our very breath. “Our life is but a breath.” I can trust Him for the outcome. I just needed to refocus. I began to practice the breath prayers. As I inhaled God’s word in my mind, I would exhale the scripture with my mouth. My friend Margie first shared the idea of “breath prayers”---because she did it for me while driving home from Arkansas the day of my first surgery. “I was praying for you, breathing in and breathing out….that the Bread of Life in your heart would protect you.”
This morning with the phones down at work, I was late receiving Larry’s call. The 1pm procedure to “help Grandaddy’s breathing” had been cancelled because Grandaddy had been unresponsive at around 7am. They had to take him to ICU to try and stabilize him. As I drove to the hospital, I began to “breathe” prayers of thanksgiving to the One who breathed into Grandaddy the breath of life enabling him to become a living being---father and grandfather. I acknowledged that our life is but a shadow, a mere breath and that our time on earth is short---but an eternity is spent with the One who gives Spirit and understanding. I committed his life to the One who knows the number of his days and once again asked His best for Grandaddy with heaps of mercy for him and the rest of us as well. To God be the Glory!

Proverbial Prayers

5/20/09 Happy "1year+1day" Birthday, John Parker Liles! I couldn’t write this last night because I had not prayed John Parker’s special birthday prayers at the time I sat down to blog. For each of my children and their spouse and my grandchildren I pray the Proverb that corresponds with their birthday. I’m not sure how that started but it seems to work well in leading me to pray for and against some of the characteristics that are mentioned. I pray verses from “their Proverb” chapter from birth onward but especially on their birthday. So yesterday, I prayed from Proverbs 19 for John Parker, Buddy and Day’s 4th son. Proverbs are not promises but there’s much wisdom given. Dr. Duane Litfin, said the Proverbs were God’s guidance for life choices. I want God’s wisdom to be foundational for life choices for my family. I desire that as a wise man or woman they will always trust God even when they do not fully understand Him. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” (Proverbs 1:7) Prov. 19 Bible marginalia for John Parker: • Walk blameless throughout life • Temper his zeal in order to balance it with wisdom • Guard him from folly that his heart may love Thee • Grant godly friends all of his days • Guard his tongue from lying---fill him with Your truth • May generosity flow from him to others • May He be rich in spiritual gifts • May he gain wisdom and cherish understanding • May longsuffering be a part of his character • May he be truthful in all things • A godly wife, a gift from Thee • Enlarge his heart to be kind to the less fortunate • Use his parents to discipline him wisely • Nourish himself on the truth of God’s Word • Give ears to hear Thee and his parents & to respond wisely • May he always turn to Thee, O Lord---------A-men & A-men!

Confessions of a Nap Queen

5/19/09 Napping
I am a self-professed napper-----in all the verb tenses. I nap. I have always napped---as far back as I can remember. In college my friends teased me that I majored in early childhood because napping was a part of the curriculum. One friend, Susan, also used to tease me that my tombstone would read, “Just down for a 5 minute nap.” I will continue to nap every chance I get. It is beneficial to me---some folks say it’s good for the heart. My naps are more of the short power nap variety. Today my nap helped refresh my mind from a tiring day. According to William Anthony, author of the Art of Napping at Work, a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, and increase productivity. I, at least, wait until I get home to nap. Naps are restful for me!

There is also a theology of resting. I’m just scratching the surface with it but…… knowing Him allows real rest. Today’s God Calling entry said one is able to rest knowing all is safe in God’s hands. “Rest is trust.” It’s more than just ceasing from activity. It’s an active knowing. “Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Note that the verse doesn’t end with just the ceasing of activity—that can be a form of distrust---but it becomes rest/trust, as one knows that He is God!
I can rest in God and that’s a real refreshing, beneficial power nap---one that’s really good for my heart.
Tonight, “Rest in the Lord,” (Psalm 37:7) knowing that He gives to His beloved even as they sleep.

To Mask or Unmask

5/18/09 A “Smile on a Stick” can be a good thing---it hides scars and wounds but lets people see your “smiling eyes.” Talking with high school chums this past week, I was reminded (by them) that the yearbook had dubbed me, “Merry, vivacious and always smiling”. I think they were giving me permission to take my mask off. 

It was my “self” that was keeping it on. Of course, I do need it for sun protection (doc’s orders) and to keep flowing bodily fluids hidden but…..I can take it off---it’s just hard. Hard because the lips are so noticeably crooked when I smile---and I have trouble not smiling, sometimes. It reminded me that SELF was an area where I still needed work. My friends accept me. Why can't I accept myself,

My meditation verse has already convicted me that it’s not about me, it’s about Him. Not me, but Thee. "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things says the Lord." (Jeremiah 9:23) 

THOTS---let not an overly sensitive gal boast that she once she had a smiling countenance. 

Comparison is not from the heavenly realms. If we compare we despair! I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made---how about remade? I KNOW how bad it could have been, I KNOW things change daily but I also know it’s not what I’m used to seeing---do I sound ungrateful? Forgive me Lord. I’m still struggling here. Thank You that I am rich in blessings from this “event” in my life. Thank You that You can teach me wisdom in this that I can share with others. Thank You for Your lovingkindness to me as I heal. I have come to KNOW thee in a deep way through this struggle—and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, not even a straight mouth. 

Thank You that I have a safe haven like Houston High School where I was able to go "unmasked" today---they accept me scars and all!! Those are my THOTS—What are yours as you meditate on this verse?

Hospital Visits

5/17/09 Hospital Visits There are good hospital visits and those that aren’t so good. This time last week, I was at Baptist Women’s Hospital awaiting the birth of a great niece. Today I was at a different hospital holding my father-in-law’s hand and praying for him as he had just received a rather grim prognosis. Fear of the unknown was somewhat quieted as he was encouraged to “trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God.” Various doctors were in and out all afternoon and more tests and scans were done, charts read and reread and a time of waiting set in---his body seemingly fading but his mind as strong as ever. In that time, I saw him grab the hand of his wife, his Mary, our Mommar, and squeeze it so that she began to relax and feel better. While she might not realize where to go when she walks out of that room, she knows where she is at that moment. I venture to say that she wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else in the world. When he has hold of her hand, as frail as he is, she feels secure. What confidence she has in him to make everything all right for her. There is indeed a security in knowing the one whose hand you hold---sometimes it’s more of them holding yours. I think that in room 551 at St. Francis Hospital, while Grandaddy held Mommar’s hand with his right hand, he was trusting the Lord to hold his other hand and to give him a little more strength, just so he could pass it on to her. As I was leaving, a lullaby played over the hospital intercom---a signal that a baby had just been born. What a way to celebrate life. Even Grandaddy holding on to his wife’s hand was in his own way celebrating the life he has had with her for almost 65 years.

Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling

5/14/09 Prayer Request Headin’ to Kentucky to see Daddy and my brother and his family. I will be off line ‘til Sunday. I do have a prayer request for all the prayer warriors out there, especially all those who are reading the Jesus Calling devotional book----and I know that’s a lot of you. Sarah Young, who authored “our” book, is in Nashville this summer. She is obviously on a furlough from the mission field. I don’t know if she is there because of family or just because it’s the best place for her as she is seeking help for some serious medical concerns. The e-mail I received from a friend did not list particulars but I am sure that Sarah would covet our prayers. That little book has had such a positive impact on my cancer journey. God has greatly used her words (given by Him) to bless me right where I am each day. She has walked the walk prayerfully and it shows in her writing. Themes of thankfulness and trust are prevalent throughout the entries. She has inspired me in my dance---one of abunDANCE because of depenDANCE on Him. (dependence my creative spelling emphasis ) Even today she reminded me that I can relax in His Presence and trust in His strength. How about you? Do you need that reminder today? Maybe Sarah does as well. Let’s pray to that end for her.

"Tuckered Out"

5/13/09 Too Beat to Blog
What a privilege and a blessing to babysit a two-year-old and what a responsibility----don’t want him to get a “boo-boo” or an “ouchie” on my watch. What stamina it requires as well. After our “walk-walk” with Ellen we headed to the library where Owen's first words out of his mouth were, “I’m running, Shug.” After a slight rearranging of a few book shelves, we ended up with two books, Tea for Me, Tea for You and The Potty Book. Guess which one he chose? It did have big pictures of giraffes, elephants and pigs---his favorite animals, who just happened to be sitting on little potties. The good news is he still naps---so did I---passed out is more like it. Did I love it? Yes? Am I tired ? YES! Do I have a coherent thought? No. Cobweb brain? Yes! Headed to bed? YES!

Psalm 127:3-5
3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD.
The fruit of the womb is a reward. 4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
 so are the children of one's youth.* How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

*THOT: I think youth is a key word in this verse.
Here’s what Constable has to say about those verses.
In Solomon's day grown children normally cared for their parents in their old age. They would defend them as the parents became increasingly dependent and vulnerable. That is what Solomon evidently had in mind in verses 4 and 5. Thus children can be a kind of insurance policy, but not one that someone can work hard to buy. They are a gift from God.

Microcystic Adnexal Carcinoma

5/12/09 About Face The title for this entry is to facilitate a “google” search for someone who might have just been diagnosed with MAC and has no idea about this cancer---probably the doctor doesn’t know much either. It was my daughter Molly’s diligence in her google search that led her to Germany and “my” Michèle, whose journey with MAC is a year ahead of mine. She has been my encourager, reality checker, prayer warrior and friend. Nothing quite bonds people like being on the same side of a suffering. To have not only found a MAC survivor but to have found one who walked that long, daunting road of the unknown with God has been one of the greatest blessings of this “dance” of mine. I hope to become that for someone as well---plus, I can introduce him/her to Michèle and her journey and he/she can be really blessed. The sub title is the next step that I’m experiencing as I am getting ready to return to work next Monday. I’m not sure if I’m trying to prepare my HHS friends or myself. I know that the results are better than I, and my doctors, ever dreamed they would be. For that I am grateful. I know that I, by Dr. Ha’s recommendation, need a lifestyle change about sunlight---wearing a mask and hat or both are necessary. The mask is easier for quick trips involving sunlight. It also hides the mucus that easily flows from my “new” right nostril without me feeling it ‘til it reaches my chin. Dr. Ha says it’s because my mucosa went into shock during the surgery and is now waking up. And the lips it flows over have no feeling and never will---at least that’s what I understood from a nerve discussion we had. I also drool out of the right side of my mouth for no apparent reason and actually have lip exercises for that and other eating difficulties---all of which seem to improve weekly. I guess those “lip calisthenics” are working. At this point public salad slurping and cereal eating are out of the question but I can eat most anything in smaller bites, especially on my left/good side. I still use a straw for drinking---it’s just easier and more comfortable. I keep some with me at all times---they help me with heat---which I can’t feel as well. That’s the physical part. The other part deals with my new look---not bad, but different---maybe not even permanent. Those who know me think it looks great---what else can they say, right? Considering every other possibility it is good but lets just say I don’t relish having my picture made. I have seen others look askance and feel their discomfort. That’s the way society is---I’m praying that I will become more sensitive in a positive way to folks with disfigurations of any kind. Even now I see God’s great goodness in my unusual lips and flat nostril. As God would have it, I went to Michèle’s blog to see her latest posting. I “accidentally” clicked the bookmark that went to her June 12, 2008 posting---written just 2 days after her mohs surgery to remove her tumor. She has not had to have reconstruction. She is such a writer---I just copied a few of her words---on her blog, the words are interspersed with exquisite pictures and I will include the URL at the end (& as a gadget) so you can see the pictures for yourself or read more of her struggle with beauty, especially where weight is concerned. Read only if you want a real blessing! Thanks Michèle. Once again you have written words that are in my heart and have encouraged me as only you can. I, too, see God’s name written in my wound and to that I say, “A-men!”

• As I've spent so much time looking at the world around me through the lens of my camera, I've been prompted to think about beauty. Another factor in my beauty-musings might be the decidedly unflattering aspect of my own face these days, pictured here two days after my surgery. The word "ew" doesn't really do it justice--and I'm referring to the incision, swollenness and stitches, not to my lack of makeup!

• Is beauty the aesthetic tyranny of unachievable and unnatural standards tattooed on our subconscious minds by a media barrage of pictures and diet ads and clothing styles? Not only is flawless beauty promoted as a means to happiness, love and wealth, but the ads have increasingly gone one step further, demonizing aspects of the human (and female) anatomy that are the normal attributes of real bodies engaged in the aging process: wrinkles, cellulite, sagging appendages and shifting weight distribution.

• Beauty was in the kindness of strangers and the faithfulness of friends. More than ever, I am convinced that beauty is not about how a person looks. It is most clearly displayed in that person's motivations and how he/she touches the lives of others. (Psalm 27:13)

• On a spiritual level--an all-encompassing level, really--the ultimate beauty of my life has been in God's answers to the prayers of so many: in a smaller tumor than expected, in benign other "bumps" on my face, in a smaller wound than anyone had predicted and in an incredibly fast-healing scar. Beauty is in a faith that has allowed for peace despite the medical uncertainty. It is...and has been...in God.

We sang a chorus by Keith Getty on Sunday. One of the lines went: "Oh, to see my name written in your wounds." The lyrics moved me because they made me realize that it is actually His name that is written in my wound. And though I hope it will some day become less visible, each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's incredible sustenance throughout this McJourney. And there is great--GREAT--beauty in that. http://serenitymine.xanga.com/?nextdate=6%2f12%2f2008+23%3a58%3a1.700&direction=n Because this might not link from here, I'll add it as a gadget above Seeing God's Hand---then just a double click should open it. Also, once you've finished reading the 2008 blog entry, you can click on Serenitymine in the upper left corner & it will take you to a current one where she lists "rules for living" for her graduating seniors---a worthy read for all of us.

Meditating Musings

5/11/09 More Thoughts on Meditation
Last Thursday on “National Day of Prayer,” I, along with others that week, had an assigned time to go to the “24/7” prayer tent erected by First Evan’s college ministry. I used the Bible in the tent---The Message. In the intro, Eugene Peterson, listed the components of lectio divina (spiritual reading): read, think, pray, live. To me, that’s another way of defining meditating on God’s word. When I first typed the list my typo had love listed instead of live----but that just emphasized to me that we’ll live out in His love, what we’re learning as we read and meditate on His word.
Within his components, I have reiterated some of last Monday’s ideas to encourage meditation as a way of knowing God.
Read---to truly read, you must soak yourself in it--be immersed—read more than once, read aloud, read in a different version
Think---turning it over and over in your brain, reflecting on it, maybe even committing to memory, as needed (& jot down your ideas or questions for THOTS—Trusting Him On This Subject)
Pray---more than petition, it’s acknowledging what God has been saying to you as you read and meditate & ask for understanding or direction for your THOT questions
Live---this is where God’s word and life learnings that you gain from the first 3 components begins to take shape in your life & you act on what you have heard

Assignment: meditate on this meditation passage from Psalm 1.
1Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. (King James Version)

Great Niece Arrives

5/10/09 p.m. IT’S A GIRL…………………..

WELCOME TO THE WORLD
Olive Elizabeth Davis
8:19 p.m.
7lbs. 2oz.

Proud Parents: Ashley and Eddie Davis
Grandparents: Susan and Bobby McCullough
Susan and Eddie Davis

HAPPY 1st MOTHER’S DAY, ASHLEY!!

Mother's Day

5/10/09 a.m.
My first waking thought this morning was about Mother. All those second Sundays in May when she would cut a red rose for us to wear to the First Methodist Church, are as much a part of growing up as anything I can remember. I always felt bad for anyone who had to wear a white rose, because that meant his/her mother had died. Through the years, I’ve seen ladies at church with a corsage, no more simple roses freshly cut from the garden like we had. Today I saw none---maybe because I wasn’t at a traditional service.
Since May 2002, my first Mother’s Day without her, I have looked longingly at the red roses outside my bathroom window. When my children were younger, I cut buds from that bush for them to wear, even my boys. This past January, when I was diagnosed with MAC, I wondered if they would remember that tradition, the one that would have them wear a white rose, if the Lord chose to take me home. I also was grateful that Mother did not have to go through my rare cancer diagnosis because I thought it would have broken her heart. My mother had tremendous strength for most things. During her heart attacks and cancer battle, her doctors dubbed her a “tough old bird.” But “bad” things involving her children or grandchildren were heartrending. Her own suffering she could endure---but not that of family.
Yet, I think, Mother, my #1 cheerleader, would have loved seeing all the folks that the Lord sent to “cheer” me along. That visible goodness of the Lord in the land of the living would have thrilled her heart. If she could see from heaven, I bet she’s throwing rose petals, both red and white, some for me and some for her.

One who walked in truth (3 John v.4)

5/9/09

In memory
of
John Steven Hawkins
who loved God, his family and his country
April 1983-May 2009
Son of Steve and Claudia
Brother of Helen

Attending the funeral just a couple of hours after I heard of his death, I was greeted by his mother, who hugged me and told me that she had been praying for me. Now it’s my turn to pray and I ask my prayer warriors to join me in praying extra measures of mercy and grace from the God of all Comfort for this family who today buried their only son and brother.

5/7/09 Thursday’s journal jottings & 5/8/09 Friday's Find, "RHJ's poem"
The pluvial climate of middle and western Tennessee didn’t dampen our spirits at the farm but it did bring about great change in my snowball bushes at home. It looked like a bride and her groom must have walked/danced by way of my yard with all their friends and relatives trailing behind and showering them with both an abundance of petals and entire snowballs. The ground was covered---a beautiful sight to behold.
I wonder if it will be like that in heaven when The Bridegroom walks/dances with His Bride, the church. It will certainly be a beautiful sight to behold.
Rachel Huff Julian, daughter of Garry and Wynellen, penned these poetic words, while at Houston High School, that to me express the beauty of such a time.

……Suddenly,
My Groom rises from His throne,
And He breaks the loneliness, which I have always known…
His hands meet mine
As we begin to dance.
Oh what fulfillment,
Oh what romance…
Everything flows,
There is no pause in our dance.
The two become one
As I hold tightly to His hands…

…….I have never danced this way before.
I have never loved this way before.
I have never known Him like this before.
O Christ, it is You I adore…
We flow as one,
Dancing before the King.

Excerpt from The Chamber Room

Rest

5/7/09 Reflections from a Rocker # 3
Ah-h-h the quiet of my surroundings, not even a squeak in the rocker---just rain on the roof of the covered porch and flowing out of Doris’ impromptu fountain made out of the cows’ mineral bucket, so it doesn’t flood the porch. Such surroundings are so peaceful and restful and conducive to lingering. What rest for my soul!
I had learned from one of son, Buddy’s, earlier messages that there are several myths about rest:
• Rest is leisure time. Our family can wear ourselves out in pursuit of leisure.
• Rest arrives with more money. Once you get it all, then you can rest is a real myth.
• Rest comes with more options. Just think about where more TV stations, more timesaving appliances and more social networks on the internet have really gotten us.

I also learned that there are truths about biblical rest. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) He didn’t say that he would change the address or the circumstances but that He would meet us at each juncture with His rest.
No doubt we live in a “waffle house world”---one that keeps us scattered, (fragmented) covered (with responsibilities, even worthwhile ones) and smothered (by distractions that keep the Lord at bay). In Little House on the Freeway, Tim Kimmel describes such a condition; so busy we can’t relax, seldom satisfied with what we have, worrying about things we cannot control and overworked and underappreciated. Where is the rest in this? Better question, “where is the Lord in this?” We are complete in Him. He is our rest.
Shalom (שָׁלוֹם) is a Hebrew word meaning peace, completeness, and welfare—I think that word gives us the right idea of His rest. It’s about Him not about our location or circumstances.
My first thought this morning was, it will be hard to leave this place of rest---a place of quiet inhabited by the Lord. Now I realize how silly that was; I can have His rest with me at all times as He inhabits my life.

"Walk-Walk"

5/5/09 Reflections from a Rocker # 2
“Walk-Walk” was Owen’s way of letting us know that he wanted down---limited language but we got the message. Larry sent instructions to my farm nurses to make sure I got to “walk-walk” each day as part of my rehab. I wonder if God wants us to put down other distractions and “walk-walk” with Him? Bet He does!
We have biblical references of men who walked with God---Abraham and Daniel come to mind. Even specific verses reveal “Noah walked with God.” “Enoch walked with God.”
Walking implies action---movement, progression, direction---usually intentional. (dancing terms to me) Walking can be just as much for spiritual exercise as physical exercise.
“Today is Tuesday and you know what that means.” At Houston High it means you can’t park in the parking lot after school because of band practice. For me, it means “teaching” day---just sharing some tidbit that I’ve learned with someone else. This morning it became an “Exercise in Ephesians” as I shared with my farm nurses the “sit, walk, stand” divisions of the book---just passing on what Nancy Binkley had taught me from Watchman Nee’s little 70 page book of the same name. Just as the book is divided into chapters, these chapters are divided into sections that teach us to sit before we walk. I made them “sit” along time in a crouch-like position until they felt burning in their quads. This was to remind them that they needed to “sit” at the feet of the Lord (for a long time) in order to know Him and to be ready to “walk” (Chapter 4 transition) worthy of the gospel. In chapter 5, one who has been sitting also “walks in love” and is able to “stand” against evil---there’s a long list. As the book ends in chapter 6, we are even given great instructions for the armor of God that will help us continue to “stand” against the enemy. End of lesson for the day but one we all need to remember. Spiritual exercise starts as we “sit” and enables us to “walk-walk” with Him---a worthy “walk” of His love as we “stand” for His truth>

Rocker Reflections

5/4/09 Reflections from a Rocker #1
Cacophony--what a great descriptor for a morning on a farm, dubbed Full Circle Ranch. Having left the bedroom door, that is off the screen porch, open throughout the night, I had great a.m. audio. Actually it was more like surround sound. Geese were honking, dogs barking, cows mooing (one seemed to be bellowing in pain) birds tweeting and there was a real fussing going on somewhere---not sure if it was birds or squirrels. Delightful farm music, not exactly “muzak.,” but delightful all the same. This is indeed a “day the Lord hath made” and I for one am “rejoicing in it.”
Wandering out to the porch alone, with Bible, Jesus Calling and a legal pad---somehow a laptop seemed like an anachronism, I took my seat on the big Cracker Barrel type rocker that over looked the horse pasture. The pasture, covered with buttercup weed and somewhat flooded from many days of soaking rains and Saturday night’s storm, gave real meaning to the term pastoral. There are six horses in my view, Most were brown (bays) but there was a splotchy spotted (paint or pinto) and one whitish one (palomino) and a red (roan)---Doris supplied the equine terms. What fun they were having in their morning frolic rearing up at one another and romping together---a real gamboling going on.
“I love you, Lord and I lift my voice, to worship you , O my soul, rejoice. Take joy, my king, in what You hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.” Not even sure the words were right but God knew my heart’s song.
Then, the meditation began to flow naturally. It’s Monday---my day for meditating, Did you notice that the meditation followed worship? I just saw that. The verse that I am meditating on is, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee because He trusteth in Thee.” (from memory, probably King James Version --- somewhere in Isaiah ---my limited concordance in the back of my Bible showed only one citation from Isaiah-- 9:6, and that’s not it. It was too early to call Buddy or Crickett so ya’ll are on your own---but I do know it is Isaiah)
Here’s what else I know about meditation---meditation on God’s word.

• It’s a holy exercise/discipline, of sorts---a pondering of His word. Being surrounded by cows this morning illustrates it well. They chew their cud, regurgitate it and chew some more---getting all the sweetness and nutrients needed for good health.

• Meditation is not hurried. Holiness and hurry may be alliterative but hurry is the antithesis of holy in the realm of spiritual rumination. (We mull over scripture verses---cows chew cud—sweet nourishment is end result for both)

• A mind is not just to be emptied without purpose---that can be dangerous. When we empty our minds for meditation, we need to fill it with God’s truth in order to further our understanding of Him and His Word. Keep your Bible at your fingertips.

• Precede meditation with prayer. Praying Psalm 119: 18 can be a way of seeking spiritual guidance as you seek Truth. “Open my eyes that I may behold wonderful things from Thy law.” “Let my cry come before Thee O Lord, give me understanding according to Thy word.” (Psa. 119:169)

• For meditation to have real value it must be occupied with God and His truth.

As I reflect on the verse or passage for a day or week, I usually have a page in my notes labeled THOTS. It stands for Trusting Him On This Subject. Anyone who has ever looked over my teaching notes has seen my acronym. It’s where I jot down questions, or ideas that have come to mind or other verse citations that might be similar. My first thoughts might need to be seen in context with the rest of the passage or measured against all of scripture, so I need spiritual guidance. Sometimes even commentaries will differ. I want to know the life truth that God has for me. I might "Philipians 4:8 it" as teacher, Kay Arthur, taught me and “think on these things”---things that are just, pure, lovely, of good report and worthy of praise.

Just as I finished jotting these notes, I was served a “cuppa” and some Walker’s shortbread, Le Petit Ecolier, and was joined by my friends (along with a resident bluebird) what a way to begin the day. I am indeed rejoicing…..but I’m still meditating.

Up the Road a Piece

5/3/09 Down the Road with Friends
I will be out of pocket for a few days so postings may be iffy. I’m going up the road a piece to my dear friend, Doris’, farm for a few days of R & R---not even a good cell signal there unless you stand in one spot. I guess I could traipse out to the high point in the pasture with my computer. I do plan on having lots of time to sit, with my Bible and my journal, on her big porch---I sense “Reflections from a Rocker” in my blog future.
Two other dear friends, Beth, who nursed me in Dallas during my first surgeries, and Winslow, who nursed me in Memphis between surgeries, will be there as well. Nurse Larry has a long list of instructions to give these nurses, including making sure I walk everyday and keeping me out of the sun. He thinks this will be good for me because I have to go back to the therapist on Thursday and my mouth movement/exercise needs a lot of work. I assume he thinks there will be lots of talking and laughing. Imagine that!
My grandmother, Mama Davenport, used to talk about people who lived in the rural part---I guess it was all rural---in Hampton Station, as those who lived up the road a piece or down the road a piece. Certainly there were no GPSs (is there a plural for GPS) and her concept of directions was the same as all the other folks who lived there. One family lived down the road a piece just past the clump of trees. I guess it didn’t matter the direction you were traveling because everyone knew where the clump of trees was just like they knew that my mother’s family lived across from the blue hole. I’m sure they had a street address but I never knew it.
All this to say that when my friend, Doris, and I talked yesterday, she gave me similar directions because admittedly she said, “I don’t know if you’re going east or west or even north or south, but once you go past Ida and Chris's long white barn (whoever Ida & Chris are) turn by Karen's store go on past the Methodist Church on Old Berlin Road and on past the sign, you know the kind that has a fire truck on it, you go on down the road as far as the black fence goes and there’s my drive. You can’t miss it.” I’d say that’s a sure thing except that Beth is driving, so one never knows.

What I do know---In studying Abraham’s life, one sees the total confidence that he had in the One he utterly trusted. The secret of this, seems to me to be an entire life of friendship with God. He knew God to be his good and faithful friend and he took Him at His word. James 2:23 says….Abraham believed God, and it was imputed unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God.
God’s word says:
• (Proverbs 17:17) A friend loveth at all times; (KJV)
• (Proverbs ) Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart: so doth the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel. (KJV)
• (John 15:15) Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you. (KJV)

Heritage Recounting

5/2/09---Rainy Days
I do so love a rainy day----most bibliophiles do. However, as I look out the window and see my bush of snowballs, heavy laden with not only the night rain but the continuing drizzle of the day, I realize their beauty will fade pretty fast. I won’t to hold onto it. At the first of the week, I, at Larry’s encouragement, had taken a picture of it. I had it---my own digital “recall” of my “heritage” snowball bush. What a great visual!
I share this plant freely with family, friends and neighbors---so the “heritage” continues as they recall and share with others outside of the Davenport/Adams/Liles families. I am so glad to be able to share something that has such great memories for me.
But isn’t “heritage” more than passing on plants? Am I as diligent to share with my children and grandchildren the greatness of the Lord’s faithfulness in my life? Do I recount for them all that He has done? My words might be the closest thing to a visual that they receive.
Psalm 78:4 “We will not conceal them from their children, but tell to the generation to come the praises of the Lord, and His strength and His wondrous works that He has done.”
Have you told your children or grandchildren or other loved ones of the Lord’s faithfulness? Are you wondering why you should even consider doing that---other than the fact that it helps you remember as well?
This testimony, was commanded by the Lord to the Israelites…..”that they should teach them to their children; That they should put their confidence in God, and not forget the works of God and remember His commandments.” Psalm 78: 5-7)
Even if you don’t have children of your own or are not at this point in your spiritual walk, at least begin to recount what God has been doing in your life. List ways that show of His faithfulness to you. This will not only create a grateful heart, but will also remind you of His past faithfulness when you face storms that come. This list often becomes “my visual” reminder of all that He has done for me. Such a focus has a way of increasing my faith/trust in Him for the days ahead. That’s a real “heritage” to pass on and plant in someone else’s heart---just keep praying for it to take root.

From Praying Through Cancer, a 90 day devotional:
Tip#5 Recount the Lord’s faithfulness as you face present difficulties.

Blog asides:
• Jigsaw puzzlers are coming out of the woodwork. Knitters and quilters are rising up for equal time.
• It’s Derby Day---Guess where I’ll be at 5:04 pm CST? I might not be at the Churchill Downs at “post time,” but I, along with my dad and brothers and extended KY family, will be watching as they lift the gate---It’s the 135th Run for the Roses and it’s what we do. Plus, I love the hats, especially now that my “condition” requires wearing one whenever I’m out and about.
I don’t do the mint juleps, though a little Benedictine sounds tasty, or the wagering but I always have a favorite thoroughbred. This year it’s Join in the Dance (50-1) and Chocolate Candy (20-1)---the (a.m.) odds might be bad but the names are right!!
On YouTube they have this song---I like the chorus---even beautiful horses need to dance.
And it’s run for the roses----------As fast as you can
Your fate is delivered--------------Your moment’s at hand
It’s the chance of a lifetime-----------In a lifetime of chance
And it’s high time you joined----In the dance.
It’s high time you joined-----In the dance.
-- From “Run for the Roses" by Dan Fogelberg

Faith Fodder

5/1 Faith facts to feed on----

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. (Romans 10:17 KJV)

For we walk by faith, not by sight—(2 Corinthians 5:7 NASB)

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1 NIV)

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. (James 1:2-3 NASB)

• Has someone ever told you to put on a "happy faith?" Did you try to conjure it up?
• Has anyone ever said, I wish that I had the faith that you have? How would you tell them to go about getting it?
• Have you ever heard people pray for more faith? Do you wonder if what they really want is something very visible?
• How do you factor faith into life’s struggles or dark times? Do you have faith in your faith or in Him?