HOLDING MY PLACE!

I won't be on-line tomorrow for much of the day. In case T.H.O.T.S. come to mind, I'll share..... 

Trusting 

Him

On

This 

Subject

......my T.H.O.T.S. "jottings" later. 

"Jottings." Those paper and pencil types. Mine with a freshly sharpened #2 pencil!

A magnetic bookmark is perfect for holding my place. 

GLANCE OR GAZE ON GOOD FRIDAY

Glancing or gazing----It's a choice. 

I know because my journal jottings reminded me this morning!

My Utmost for His Highest Journal has been a go-to devotional for me since 2001!

It might not be neat, though I do use a lot of white-out these days, but it's always "on target" for me.

This morning, I spent a good deal of time gazing into God's word---that's my way to know Jesus Christ and Him crucified. (1 Corinthians 2:2) How else can one be aglow with the Spirit? (Romans 12:11, RSV)

Choosing to "Gaze on Him" is the best way to to begin Easter weekend on this "Good Friday" in Texas!

Suffering: A Book Brief

10/31/09 Librarians are notorious for “book talking.” Therefore, I just have to tell you about a book I read yesterday, Grace Disguised, by Jerry Sittser. A book a day: One of the advantages of being horizontal and having no agenda.

This book, little in size but big in insight, was especially thought provoking for me as I was already contemplating the universality of suffering. His subtitle is “how the soul grows through loss.” Sittser gives credence to the transforming power of grace in the face of those losses that we all suffer. The loss of a life as we once knew it---before the catastrophe, job loss, divorce, terminal diagnosis, chronic illness or death of a loved one. These circumstances of loss or suffering happen to everyone---believer and non-believer alike. Pain is definitely no respecter of persons. It is our responses that make the difference.

Journal jottings:
Circumstances are not as important as what we do with those circumstances. But there is no prescribed/guaranteed way or timetable for facing our darkness and walking through it---it’s different for everyone.
You can’t quantify or compare suffering. Whether sudden death or a death to life as we once knew it that lingers until we die---what defined us as a person before, is no longer there to hang our hat on. It’s the “new normal” (MP term) and it’s hard. But God………..

Catastrophe interrupts the orderliness of life that I prefer. It puts a “sudden halt to business as usual.” (Sittser, p. 33) One of the worst aspects of loss/suffering is the sheer randomness of it. Quadriplegic and only in his 20s, two melanoma bouts and now Lyme disease, paralyzed and blind, MAC and breast cancer, uterine cancer, MS, Parkinson’s, MSA, strokes and sudden deaths from “routine” medical procedures, aneurisms…………….and these are just losses and sufferings of God’s faithful ones this past year in only my little realm of the world.

Even in loss and grief (suffering) we can still choose to embrace the miracle of the moment. (pleasant, present tense of life today) How? God’s grace---it’s a gift that is there for the taking.

It’s not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us. Sittser’s decision to face the darkness led to overwhelming pain but showed him that the experience of loss itself did not have to be the defining moment of his life----though it forever altered his life---instead the defining moment became his response to that loss. ”Darkness, it is true, has invaded my soul. But then again, so has light. Both contributed to my personal transformation.” (Sittser, p.45)

This is indeed a book for aching souls---those on hard journeys ---journeys that they never could have even imagined and wouldn’t have chosen. Yet, it is a reminder of the availability of God’s grace, not after the darkness of pain and suffering has passed, but even in the midst of it.

"Grace, Grace, God's Grace"

5/31/09 GRACE THOTS

• Grace precedes peace in scriptures.

• Resistance to accepting God’s grace is pride.

• Not much grace evident if we don’t let go, and instead keep trying to control.

• If more “doing” than “being” in our faith walk, we could be missing grace.

• Self-sufficiency can detour/sidetrack us from the benefits of grace.

• Pain avoidance can slam the door on grace---blocking God’s provision.

• His grace in the midst of pain and suffering can allow us to discover more of Him---result = life with meaning and purpose---it’s a deep level of intimacy.

• By God’s grace, potential problems can be avenues for blessings and the result = growth.

• His grace empowers my weaknesses. It is amazing!

“My grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Today’s entry in My Utmost for His Highest said, “ Put God first in trust. If I trust in human beings first, I will end in despairing of everyone, I will become bitter because I have insisted on man being what no man can ever be----(perfect) Never trust anything but the grace of God in yourself or in anyone else.

BTW, tomorrow’s Monday. Find a grace verse and meditate on it. Let me know what you find---and learn.

Grace and peace to each of you. I will probably be off-line for next 10 days due to both planned and possibly unplanned events---will write when I can, but posting could be difficult.

Encouragement for My Dance

This was not the blog I had started writing earlier today but it is the RIGHT blog. This e-mail came from Michèle---my friend from Germany, who is a year ahead of me in her microcystic adnexal carcinoma journey. She calls it her McJourney and she is the one who understands so well all that I go through because she has been where I am. She continues to encourage me and to be accepting of my humanity while she reminds me of the One who loves me---and as I had written earlier today, "in my weakness, He is strong." My journal jotting read, " a juxtaposition of my frailty and God's strength." As you read, may you be encouraged by her as I was.

Dotsy, I just read your blog. And about two hours ago, I finished writing a blog of my own that somewhat parallels yours. Mine is about the year-end emotional roller coaster of BFA, not necessarily about the emotional turmoil following the trauma of your last months, but the conclusions I write about work for both situations. Correction: the conclusions work for all situations, because they allow for human weakness and post-roller coaster emotional exhaustion and they point us toward the one immovable point in the constantly swirling "dance" of life.

It's a bit like ballet dancers who have to "spot" as they turn pirouettes. They keep their eye on one spot on the edges of the room and, while their body turns, keep their eyes anchored there, whipping their heads around only to reclaim that spot as their immovable point. The same is true for what we've been through. In a sense, we're locked in an emotional pirouette we can't control and we mostly manage to keep our eyes on that fixed point. But sometimes, during that fraction of time when we have to whip our heads around to keep up with our bodies, we lose sight of it. We flounder a little. We doubt a little. We wish a little that it were not so hard, not so long, not so wearying. We tap into the very real human side that God loves so much in us. And He says, "Look over here--turn your eyes back to the spot that has stabilized your world before. I can do it again. Turn your eyes back to me." And we do--as you will soon, I know. But I also know that there will come more spins, more losses of eye-contact, and even in those circumstances all we'll need to do is trust and wait for our revolving journeys to turn us around to that heart-position where we can claim His peace and confidence again. Please don't be too hard on yourself during these more fragile times. They're what remind us of our frailty so we can cling more firmly to His strength!

I'm praying for you right now, on the gorgeous evening in the foothills of the Black Forest. The valley outside my windows is cast in the day's final golden rays. It's my favorite time of day--my students and I call it "The Goldening." I'm praying for serenity and endurance.

Michèle

BATTLE FATIGUE

5/29/09 Battle weary............
Up since 4:15 a.m. with anxious thoughts whirring in my head. How’s that for a confession from someone others have been extolling lately because of her faith in hard situations. It’s a battle folks. I know many people prefer to read my dance and tea type entries---they’re usually more fun to write too. But today the dance that is looming seems to be the old avoiDANCE. I’m not quite out there dancing on my own yet but I have been assuming the “wallfower” position---just not even wanting to get on the floor. That dance floor is slick with reality. I don’t want to stumble. I don’t want the world to rate me and thus rate the Lord because I miss a step. This isn’t “Dancing with the Stars” but I feel as if there’s an entire world out there watching. I don’t want to be relegated to the “So You Think You Can Dance” segment of life either---the cynics jeering and thinking, it wasn’t real after all. It is real---God is always faithful. I’m just the one struggling at the moment. In my head I know I can dance because I know Who has chosen me as His partner. I’m just having some heart difficulties right now.
After tossing in bed with prayers turning every which way but upward (mainly inward), I went to my prayer chair and began to pour out to the Lord. For me, that meant writing a list. I wrote “Dreads and Worries.” The list was long. I looked at it and thought about it and tried to ask the Lord about it and my stomach just churned and I even felt shaky. Finally---I “chose” to fret and stew far too long---I wadded up said list to throw it away. I walked all the way out to the curbside trash (Herbie Curbie, my mother used to call it) and deposited my list very glad our pick-up day is Friday----that’s today. I need instant “pick-up” to keep me from going back and physically retrieving THE list and focusing on it again---maybe even checking off items taken care of. This was a list I really didn’t need to “stew” over any longer.
The hard part was going to be not mentally retrieving the list. That’s were most of my battles are---in my mind. I need to take the good thoughts captive and regard the other thoughts as the enemy seeking to rob me of my joy. First line of defense began as I returned to my prayer chair and opened my grandmother’s Bible to Jeremiah. That’s where my summer connections group will be studying this summer. The first thing I noticed was the tidy 52 chapters----great for a chapter a week study for a year. It’s also home to one of my all time favorite verses, chapter 15, verse 16. Since that deals with eating God’s word, I began to nibble. I didn’t get very far---just chapter one---but that’s all I needed.

I’m not sure how theologically sound my interpretations are but God---did you hear that, But God………met me right where I was and these are words that jumped off the page along with ideas I gleaned from His word----mostly THOTS right now as I Trust Him On This Subject. Jeremiah Chapter 1

• “To whom the word of the Lord came”----my marginalia, 52x that is mentioned—I highlighted 4x in chapter 1, not sure if "came also" counts---that’s a THOT

• “Before formed in womb, I knew you---before born, I consecrated you, I appointed you” (God knows me too and has set me aside---just for a different purpose.)

• “Go where I send, speak what I command” (feel not qualified, He qualifies and provides the message)

• “Put my words in your mouth…..to build and to plant” (His word is power, not mine)

• "Gird up loins….arise….speak all I command. Do not be dismayed before them, lest I dismay you before them.” (I’m typing, I’m typing.)

• “They (my thoughts) will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord.” (verses 17-19 sound like “fighting” words. I told you it was a battle.)

I can dance! I can dance when I “choose” to join Him in the dance of life, even though the floor is slippery!

I can dance!!

BLOGGLE

5/28/09 Blog + Boggle = BLOGGLE A game we always take to the beach each summer is Boggle------it’s a game where you try to take the jumble of letters and create words before the sand runs out in the hour glass (3 minute glass) Tonight’s blog is similar to that. You, reader, have to try to take the jumble of words here and try to make coherent thoughts out of them. This is a peek at my random thoughts as I have continued to think on subjects/ideas jogged by earlier blogs. Good luck.

Journal Jottings---relevant to breath --- Liking holding breath when big boys fell on me at the Kiwanis Pool one summer and I struggled to untangle from their weight and BREATHE--- felt desperate to break the surface of that water and gulp the air----or at the Duncan’s home where I learned to swim with other girls in my brownie troop and we tried to see who could hold their breath the longest.---- ---no other thought but wanting to win but..... SO needing that air---felt that way the night my mouth was sewn together and my nose was stopped up---am I that desperate for Him, yearning to be filled and quenched by Him, my living water? Filled with the fullness of Christ.

THOTS--- Breathe on me O breath of God---how do I know that phrase----hymn, maybe? 

Journal Jottings---relevant to “self” entry Love is conscious acts of self-giving, self-sharing, self-sacrificing and self-abandonment. Opposite =selfishness (source unknown, but taken from old Sunday School class notes) Affirms my earlier thought. 

THOTS---Do I hunger and thirst after rightousness? 

Journal Jottings ---relevant to a “real meal deal” blog My notes from John Piper’s, Taste and See, entry #65 “Faith feeds on the Word of God.” No steady diet of God’s Word----you get weaker and weaker---(like Grandaddy’s heart when it isn’t pumping that life giving blood w/ oxygen through his body) If your walk is getting weaker, check what you’re feeding on. Compare it (eating God’s word) to way you eat---one gulp of juice in the am while reading paper and packing lunches at same time won’t last very long. If such an eating habit continues, you won’t last very long---neither will your faith---you’ll starve it. What does starving faith look like---not much like faith/hard to recognize it (DAL) hard to trust, worship and rejoice in the hard times and lots easier to embrace sin, sometimes even “justifying it.” A starved faith walk is more of a stumble. God’s Word fosters faith. God’s Word is within us so that “your (my) trust may be in the Lord.” (Proverbs 22:18-19) If one really want to feed his/her faith night and day, he/she needs to meditate on the Word of God. We need something of substance (meat of truth) to bite into---that’s the nature of faith. “Faith exists by what it trusts. It has no life but what it gets from the truth it believes.” 

THOTS---Meditation and memorization helps feed our faith hourly, day by day. God’s Word is the best nutrition for a healthy faith walk. “Put faith food in the pantry of your mind”…and walk in faith.

Real Meal Deal

5/26/09 (Isaiah 55:1-3) What’s a “real meal deal to you?” Some might say, “…anything as long as I don’t have to cook it.” Or in a similar vein, “…if someone else is picking up the tab.” We all approach eating differently, not only in our food choices but also in our styles. Some are grazers so a buffet appeals to them. Others start by checking out the desserts first and order the rest of their caloric intake accordingly. Some folks even prefer meals because of the time of day they are normally served. How about eating styles---are you a little bite here and there as you savor each morsel and intersperse your dining with conversation? Or are you one who just eats all that’s in front of you as quickly as possible---maybe with a little “Wheel of Fortune” or “Nightly News” thrown in. Leftovers anyone? Some folks love them. Some won’t touch them. Those who enjoy them appreciate the rich flavors that seem to meld over time---just not so much time that they change color. Is your entrée always meat? Does a drink enhance your meal or detract from it. Does “saving the best for last” apply to you as you order dessert? Do you leave the table full and happy and go plop in a chair or do you choose to walk off a little of the meal? How about when you “taste” God’s Word? We all approach His Presence differently---but it’s through His word that we are able to “taste and see that God is good.” (Psalm 34:8) Living in a sin-saturated world as we do, it can be very difficult to find good, especially in the midst of deep pain and betrayal or difficult circumstances. Many people even try to bury the pain or emptiness with more food, often compounding the problem. We’re looking for satisfaction in all the wrong places. Like the “happy meals” of our local drive thru, we want something quick, (instant relief) that hits the spot, (meets our desires) doesn’t cost much (of our time, energy or $) and gives us a prize (one we select) in the end. We often use a “happy meal” approach to knowing God. We want Him to quickly meet us where we are, solve our deep gnawing hunger without asking too much of us and give us a prize, this side of heaven. We have unrealistic expectations of life. I heard one gal say, as tragedy struck, “This isn’t the movie I bought the ticket for.” In a way that’s true for all of us the first time “life” really doesn’t meet our expectations. It’s a false theology that teaches that life will always be easy and pleasant. The reality is that pain will come……….but so can joy. Deep joy can come even in hardship and suffering when we are in an abiding relationship with the Lord. We need to quit feeding on these false notions and “feed” on Him. Find your favorite time of day---if you like breakfast food, meet Him then. If you’re a night owl---meet Him for a midnight snack. If you want to graze, write a key verse or passage and take that morsel with you so you can feed on His Word throughout the day. Maybe the next day you could pair the “leftover” verse with a new but similar one to get a rich new taste of truth. If you want to “dine,” add inspirational music or create a cozy spot---maybe a “seat with a view” of His creation. Enjoy! Don’t rush through just to say you’ve noshed. Gorging on large obscure passages can cause pain as well, especially if you’re new at digesting His word. Take a few little bites at first and ask Him to teach you as you savor those truths. Then get up and exercise (put into practice) the truths that He has taught you---the more you use it, the more He will teach you. It will be like an on-going feast where you never get fat in an unhealthy way. Knowing Him takes time and energy but once you’ve tasted the “meat” & had a drink of the “living water,” “His words will become the “joy and the delight of your heart.” (Jeremiah 15:16) Find them and eat them!

God's Strength

2/2/09
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

This is a good verse for meditation on a morning when you don’t even want to get out of bed. I prefer the mornings when I’m able to say, “Good morning, Lord. I think I’ll have a piece of homemade chocolate meringue pie for breakfast.”

I was able to sit with Mommar, Larry’s mom, and watch birds and squirrels out the window even though thoughts of lawyers, docs, reports to fax, calls to make etc. etc. etc. were whirring around in my head. Those who are “on the same page” with me in the Jesus Calling book know the focus of today’s entry was free flowing thoughts seem to move toward problems------if focus is snagged on your problem, it circles round and round (boy, did it ever)----Your energy is drained!! It was already drained from three days of the “tyranny of the urgent”—you know those things that demand your attention & so you tend to them.

As an aside, if you are on the same page in the Jesus Calling book would you let me know---I’ve heard from several folks thru comments or LHH message/well wishes page or cards & calls. Just e-mail me at dotsyliles@gmail.com. Just wondering how far this little book is reaching.

This Monday was in my mind to become the day to share a little about MAC with folks b/c some have asked---maybe I wasn’t ready for that. I do know that sometimes people look at me as if I’m “in denial”---I’m really in a grace bubble. Trust me, I know a lot about MAC & enough of the journey ahead to warrant my attention and an understanding of things that I choose not to share b/c you readers are not covered with that extra measure of mercy and grace that is mine for the taking/accepting in the midst of this crisis.

Today became “Journal Jottings: a Juxtaposition of my Frailty and God’s Strength.” I needed His power and strength today in extra measure!! 

Thanks to anyone who prayed early---maybe it was your prayer that helped get me out of the bed and in a mode to ask Him myself---to strengthen me by the power of His might….for patience and endurance during this time.”