avoiDANCE

4/1/09
I am a wuss—a real weakling when it comes to pain. I prefer no pain of any kind whether physical, mental or emotional. No pain no gain is my least favorite phase, especially in exercise. Sometimes my mental pain is self-inflicted from the stress that I wear when striving for perfection---usually at the last minute or in a crisis.

Emotional pain---that’s the biggie for me. I don’t like to have my feelings hurt. I don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings either.
For many years, I tried to control this aspect of pain in my life by avoiding deep relationships. Give me lots of fun. Yes! Intimate moments. No!

avoiDANCE was my silent mantra. That tune I listened to in my head became the song I danced to in my life. You see, in the dance of avoiDANCE, you are in control or so you think. I became enveloped in this sin of self-protection. I didn’t even know that self-protection was a sin until my eyes were opened to the fact that putting self above God and others is indeed sin. God has created us for relationship—with Him and with others. Being self-protective, I built walls in relationships. I didn’t allow others to get too close for fear of rejection and more hurt. During those years, I choreographed my own dance---the avoiDANCE in each new relationship. That way, I felt safe and in control. My partner was just an extension of myself—so I was less likely to get “stepped on.”

In my relationship with the Lord there was a distance as well. I wanted all the rights of being His child with none of the responsibilities. I knew that God could use struggles to teach us truth but I preferred my daily quiet times and ministry opportunities that could be checked off a list---more of a routine and ritual rather than an intimate relationship with Him. I wanted Him on my terms. I wanted Him for blessings---those warm, fuzzy Hallmark happy ending kind. I didn’t know that God’s blessing embraced both pleasure and pain.

I no longer view pain in quite the same way---though I still struggle with the fear of it. As I sought to know Him better, He tore down my “self created” pedestal of loving others half way and esteeming people and their opinions of me more than His truth. Along with my fantasies of a perfect life, He threw out the remaining crumbles of those life supports that I had held too long. He replaced them with more of Himself and I began the season of abunDANCE with Him. I come that you (Dotsy) might have life and have it with abunDANCE. (John 10:10--a paraphrase) That avoiDANCE of Him or others is lonely and empty---a dance you do virtually alone. I prefer Dancing with Jesus.

Today’s Jesus Calling entry was the perfect reminder of all this. I can talk with Him about every “aspect of (my) day including feelings.” He created me as an emotional, relational being---one with feelings. It’s okay to “feel.” Don’t shut down emotions out of fear. “Do not let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life.” Don’t let the fantasy of a perfect life creep back into your mindset. That unfound list for thank you notes is not the end of the world, Dotsy.

“Ask my Spirit to guide you moment by moment.” Sounds like an invitation to come back to the dance, doesn’t it?

Come back, Dotsy, He says again and again. Dance with Me. No avoiDANCE of time with Me is allowed. Remember----Our dance is one of abunDANCE.