Taken Aback

"Taken Aback". An idiom from my grandparents generation. (Probably.)

Yet, those 2 words came to mind as I walked past my bedroom chest of drawers. 

I realized (with a thud in my heart) that the picture on top was taken exactly 6 years ago tonight, with my pre-surgeries short hair. 

Taken with hubby and all three kids in the hospital "hotel " room the night before the beginning of my MAC surgeries....from excision to facial rebuilding.

This is the last picture of my "smiling" face, as I knew it, before I went under the knife. 

That "last picture" thought was what had me taken aback.

In My Face 1/13/2009, 5:02 PM

Past entries are always front and center in my journal style devotional book, "My Utmost for His Highest." Some make me smile---like births, a grand's milestone or first word.
Other entries.... not so much.

Today's jotting sounds ominous and would seem one of the "harder" entries to recall.
Dr. Schneider called at 5:02 pm tonight with cancer diagnosis. (asking if I were sitting down, as I recall) ---rare microcystic adnexal carcinoma---will need to come out--deep  and major reconstruction will be required...."
Yet.....

....the 1/13/09 entry reminded me of a grim diagnosis with an iffy prognosis that became a year of incredible blessings and the life of abunDANCE that followed. 

SUFFERING....interrupting my plans

12/11/12 Suffering that's physical, but temporary---so what's the BIG deal, Dotsy? Too tired and weak to get out of bed. Too miserable to sleep.  Fever. Chills. Head ache. Sore throat. Cough. Yet, I know that in the scheme of things, my malady is minor.  But… right now it feels like MINOR in all caps! It’s interrupting my plans. Plans to be with friends in celebration and plans to be with other friends in the midst of their suffering. “Worthy plans,”are they not?

I have just had a fun, refreshing Austin, TX, trip with chums---it's our 23rd annual, and that was followed by a glorious visit to Doris' farm, not a sweeter place on earth for soul restoration. So, truly I should have NO complaints. Get over yourself, Dots!

One of my blog readers has chronic, severe headaches and she continues to find God's grace in every aspect of her 3-year search for answers.  This year I even had the privilege of transporting a “spiritual giant” to chemo and I NEVER hear her complain though I'm sure chemo was not originally her plan.

Another dear friend just emailed encouraging words because she, too, is now going to have the privilege of being there for a neighbor/friend as she starts her chemo journey. She’s where I want to be once again. Tonight I learned that sweet J.H.’s lymph node results were not what we had all hoped for. We had prayed “God’s best” for her. So….this must be part of His plan. But….my plan is to be there for her. His plan is that I will wait until I am healthy. I just need to trust His plan.

In fellow cancer sojourner, Michèle Phoenix’s, song, “You Are” (about her MAC cancer journey) she wrote,

"That this journey I follow with its joy and its sorrow,

is a gift I embrace 'cause it flows from Your grace.

I will trust in Your goodness in my season of weakness 

'cause it is what it is---but I know that You are who You are!"

 I have learned these last few years that it is in the classroom of suffering, (whether spiritual or physical---with ranges from minor to terminal), that the Lord teaches us life lessons. Lessons that build trust. Trust in Him, not self.

We're not doubting that God will do the best for us, we're wondering how painful the best will turn out to be. -CS Lewis

So, my plan tonight, in my semi-drug-induced state, is to head to bed with Romans 12:12 in my heart and on my lips and to pray for the aforementioned folks in the midst of their “hard place,” that they might be “joyful in hope, patient in affliction and fervent in prayer.” Maybe I need to add myself to that plan!

Divinit---TEA

10/27/10 If you want to taste and see that the Lord is good, (Psalm 34:7) this is the "tea" for you. Just look around you.

Though it's been almost 2 years since I began my cancer journey with MAC, it was exactly 1 year ago today that I embarked on what was to be my final surgery. Technically I had 5 surgeries prior to this, not counting biopsies, but it was not Dr. Ha's desire for this to be the last one. He felt that I needed 2 more to complete the reconstruction of my face so that he and I would both be more pleased with the symmetry.

Some of those events still stand out but the ones that stand out the most are the “but God….events” (Ephesians 2:4) those where God in His goodness and mercy clearly showed me His hand in my life. That’s why I continue to record each day the “Seeing God’s Hand” events on my blog.

As my life after the BIG cancer events returned more to a normal routine, I didn’t want to over look the divine. I wanted my world to still be filled with Him, the divine One……….to continue to see divinity everywhere, even in the daily events. Events so filled with God as to spur me to thanksgiving and worship. Events as simple as sitting in newly painted red Adirondacks, sipping a cup of tea* and watching the leaves fall on my patio.

*Basic chai, a strongly brewed black tea diluted with milk & traditionally consumed hot and sweet, is the perfect tea for such a divine event. Thus, Divini---TEA!

The Cancer Dance

5/11/10 Nancy Gibbs essay for this week’s TIME magazine offered food for thought.

“Cancer hands you red-hot shoes and makes you dance with death everyday for the rest of your life. So, the question is, Who gets to lead? And what can the rest of us learn from watching?”

For sometime now, this blogger has been asking others to consider, along with her, these very same questions. These questions aren’t cancer specific. It’s just that cancer or other catastrophic diseases can bring such questions to the forefront of our thinking.

Certainly in those first weeks after my diagnosis, I worked on getting my affairs in order with lawyers and living wills, info in files and letters to kids. But more than that, I wanted assurance. Assurance that, in the event of my death, my friends would “take on my absence” from my family by filling in the gaps of my life for them. My kids know me (sometimes better than I know myself) but I wanted my “grands” to know personal things about their “Shug.”
My dear friend, Pam, has taken hold of this idea. She has a “cupcake” party each summer for her friends and their grandchildren. We are all introduced by our granny names. It’s a casual way of initiating our “grands” to each other and to us, the grandmas. It’s an unspoken assurance that we’ll be there to carry on those values, that we all hold dear, to each other’s grands if one of us passes away. A passing on of the traditions and the values, which we have shared, through the years.

In my "dance", I have asked the Lord to lead and have tried to share with others what I’m learning. What I am learning is the importance of relationships---a vertical relationship with the Lord that extends horizontally to my family and friends. A community of faith. A fellowship of friends who are committed to going the distance with each other even when one is wearing “red-hot cancer shoes.”

A “GIANT” Cup of Tea

3/13/10 My natural body rhythms seem to be at “peak” in the morning. Even at that, I usually have a “cuppa” to get me going. George Orwell says, “All true tea lovers not only like their tea strong, but like it a little stronger with each year that passes.” A good warm caffeinated** “cuppa” and God’s word. Both stimulate and refresh my soul.

Sipping and savoring. Because of my MAC cancer surgery, I’m actually still sipping through a straw. Somehow the ritual of sipping tea loses some of its bliss when slurping it down through a plastic straw. Plus, the lips aren’t there to warn one of the impending temperature. This morning, I decided to take the plunge and sip my tea sans straw. Not exactly pretty. A little dribble, a little drool, a little drip. Intake began on the left side of my mouth as I tilted my head---then slurping sounds as I veered the steamy liquid to the right side of my mouth where I could no longer feel it. Oh so much more to savor----with a straw it seems to pass the taste buds and go straight down the throat. Eventually I felt drips on my chin and even saw a few that had “appeared” on my nightshirt. Probably won’t be sipping in public for a while longer but the endeavor was commemorated with a few pirouettes in front of the loveseat at Buddy & Day’s. Progress---that’s what I felt as I faced this challenge. Just a little obstacle, but one that felt like a giant. It was robbing me of one of the joys of my life. My friend, Tricia, told me I’m too hard on myself so I’m giving myself a break---that’s why I’m celebrating these small steps toward my much bigger goal.

We all have “giants” to face. Even sipping (slurping) a cup of tea, or at least the embarrassment that comes with it, can loom large in one’s psyche. At this juncture in my life, the aesthetic pleasure of tea drinking is something I don’t want to give up. Help me face down my giant. Celebrate with me over a cup of tea.

**Sorry Dr. Albritton---One of the advantages of surviving cancer is realizing that some things are crucial in life---some people eat extra scoops of ice cream, I indulge with caffeinated tea in the morning.

Shoulda-woulda-coulda……..

3/11/10 .....Larry’s favorite saying about my rearview mirror perspective of life. I have a tendency to second-guess every thing I do. I really have a big “if only” problem called disappointment. Ex. I should have bought those silver spoons in Rome---I’ll never have another chance. Sometimes I can backtrack, with Larry’s prodding, but not always. Regrets. Life can be full of them, from chances missed to miscues in relationships.

Today, as I begin “MAC-tracking” (retracing my MAC cancer event from diagnosis to multiple surgeries and healing) of last year, I realize I have no regrets. None. There’s nothing that I “shoulda” done or “woulda” done or “coulda” done differently. Why? It was out of my hands. What mercy, what grace, what relief, what unadulterated joy there is in that!

I’m in Texas meeting with doctors---hopefully for the last time. Should I have opted for two more surgeries, could the clear margins have been a mistake, would I change anything? All done deals. Moot points---not relevant in God’s plan for me. Everything was bathed in prayer even before the original diagnosis. So…..no regrets.

These past 12 months have been a blessing---my meager vocabulary cannot begin to express my heart. This week as I’ve been preparing to return, I’ve felt filled with emotion almost to the point of tears. I felt as if I were going home. I’ve already hugged the little Texans as they headed out the door to school. Later, I’ll visit doctors; I’ll drive by the hospital; I’ll see Mary Flo. So why these deep intense feelings? Claudia Parlow says she and Terry feel it every time they return to Shepherd Center. Her answer, “The feelings come because that’s where you met God face to face.”

As Thomas Purifoy said about his marriage and his time with his wife, Susan even as she suffered and died with cancer, “No Regrets, Mate.” I concur----there are “no regrets” when you’re right smack dab in the middle of God’s will for your life!

H is for.............Hand of God

12/19/09 Assignment: Look for it today in your life.
I certainly have seen the hand of God at every turn this year in my cancer journey.

GLORY BUMPS

“GLORY BUMPS”
11/8/09 Glory bumps……………an ljj e-mail informed me of this pithy term---2 short words with a big connotation. It’s similar to the goose bumpy feeling that one gets when reading a Hallmark card or a story that touches the heart. But “glory bumps” are more than that. Glory bumps are precipitated by an awareness of a “God thing” --- those incidences in our lives with a spiritual connection. God incidences--not coincidences! Glory bumps might result from seeing a miracle or a moving of God’s hand or just from experiencing the grand sense of LIFE that is beyond our comprehension/understanding.

That term, “Glory bumps,” has given me “pause to ponder” today. I have had more than my share of glory bumps these past 11 months. Here are a few of the earthly unexplainable incidences that come to mind and keep me all “a shiver” to the depths of my being.

MAC GLORY BUMPS

1. Michèle---a fellow MAC cancer survivor found by “my” Molly’s tireless “google” search before I even knew much more that the name of my very rare cancer---certainly not the extent of it. Meeting her stateside was a lifetime of glory bumps—one giganic glory bump in and of itself.

2. The Ridleys---Mary Flo and Dave who opened their home and their hearts to me in Dallas before God even completely secured my team there. (Thanks to Sally Klinke, a 1st Evan friend, and her “best friend” connection to Kari S. at Park Cities Pres in Dallas, who knows Mary Flo very well) The Ridleys continued to open their home for each subsequent surgery and for my bevy of nurses that accompanied me. I now call them friends---dear, dear friends.

3. My Team---only God leading Dr. Louis Carter from Africa and Dr. George Burruss from Memphis to a team in Dallas that went full circle from an original recommendation from Dr. Jay Burns (son Buddy’s friend in Dallas) to UT Medical, to Methodist Germantown, to St. Louis, Houston, Dallas Southwestern, and back to Dallas Baylor and Dr. Richard Ha at Dallas Plastic Surgery Institute, office of Dr. Fritz Barton, Dr. Rod Rohrich, (friends of Dr. Carter) and their colleague, Dr. Burns---Buddy’s friend! What a full circle---one that truly reflects the hand of God!

4. Jesus Calling---the little devotional book by Sarah Young that has kept so many of my family, friends, and cyberspace acquaintances on the “same page.” My family tried, unsuccessfully, to find info about this special author on-line, but to no avail. But God………..through a forwarded e-mail from friend, Beth, located her for me. We have since been in touch (from Memphis to Nashville to Overland, KS and to Perth, Australia) Sarah has become a prayer partner and encourager. I hope I have become the same for her.

5. dotsydetails.blogspot.com---Last January, I didn’t even know what a blog was ---but God…………has used it as a way to connect with so-o-o many folks, both known and unknown to me. The blog has allowed others to view “my Dance” with all my missteps and challenges and to learn with me along the way.

6. Prayer---from the first one I prayed on January 10, 2009 after reading the Jesus Calling entry from that day. “Lord, if it doesn’t matter for eternity, may the storm that’s coming into my life not be cancer.” (It was very much cancer--a very rare cancer--so I knew it mattered.)

• Jeff White, pastor at Park Cities Presbyterian in Dallas, during staff prayer time “chose” my name and realized that he in fact, knew that name because Larry Liles had been his racquetball coach at UM. I now know what it feels like to be “be lifted up in prayer”---like a calm after the “glory bumps.”

• Surgery Day prayers at First Evan

• My name above Dr. Albritton's desk to remind him to pray.
  

• Muslim student telling me that she had never seen faith like mine.

• Worldwide prayer warriors---it would take pages to explain the breadth and depth.

• Brother Buddy and Charlotte being baptized Easter '09---it has mattered for eternity and that’s all that really matters.

7. Connections and Reconnections---distant family, my 4th grade teacher, life long friends, high school chums, college roomies, Rawls Hall folks, Pi Phis, former students (and their parents and grandparents) HHS faculty and staff, 42 years of education colleagues and new cyberspace acquaintances-----to name a few.

8. BEST possible outcomes for each surgery. The first prognosis was so grim that Larry asked the docs about tattooing me so that he would know for sure that he would be taking home his wife. I am indeed a “walking miracle” as Ann E. dubbed me. “The most astonishing thing about miracles is that they do happen.” G.K. Chesterton

9. Insurance coming through at just the right time on several occasions-----11th hour took on new meaning!

10. “Puddle Experiences”---a result of too many glory bumps at once—which reduce me to tears! The surprise from friends who lined the end of my street in March with balloons and posters to send me off on the first surgical part of my MAC journey, immediately comes to mind.

GLORY BUMPS, INDEED!!

MY REMINDERS OF GOD’S GOODNESS! I TREASURE EACH ONE OF THEM---THOUGH THE NUMBERS ARE TOO HIGH TO COUNT!

TO GOD BE THE GLORY

Bitty Blog

5/27/09,,,,an itty, bitty Blog----
This will be more like blog bullets as I update a little. Actually, the only coherent time I had today when I could blog, I had no access----our electricity was out for over 2 hours. Not good when a computer needs “juice.”

• • Grandaddy taken back to ICU at 4:30 a.m.

• • Playing catch up at work continued but minimal stress b/c Angie has covered for me for months.

• • Larry and son, Buddy, and grandson, Noah on a long anticipated “heritage” trip

• • My gracious principal allowed me to use my lunch time to spend the 12-1:00 ICU visiting time w/ Grandaddy.

• • Long nap brought some refreshment to a depleted body---no electricity took away all the distractions from phone to computer.

• • Michele, my MAC survivor friend from Germany, arrives in North America. The possibility that we might meet this side of heaven thrills my heart.

• • Received e-mail from friend,Shirley, expressing well the privilege of prayer.

“I know many of you have your own griefs and sorrows and pains and difficult situations going on and I am remembering to lift you up too! Nothing encourages me to remember to pray for others than when I have pressing prayer needs of my own!”

• • Bernie’s phone message---Hebrews 5:14, “But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.” (NASB) THOTS---solid food=God’s word and practice = constant use/exercise of the truth—need to practice! Practice!! Practice!!!
• 
  
  

• • Phone call from Pickwick----the Texans and Larry saying, “Nite, I love you.”

Microcystic Adnexal Carcinoma

5/12/09 About Face The title for this entry is to facilitate a “google” search for someone who might have just been diagnosed with MAC and has no idea about this cancer---probably the doctor doesn’t know much either. It was my daughter Molly’s diligence in her google search that led her to Germany and “my” Michèle, whose journey with MAC is a year ahead of mine. She has been my encourager, reality checker, prayer warrior and friend. Nothing quite bonds people like being on the same side of a suffering. To have not only found a MAC survivor but to have found one who walked that long, daunting road of the unknown with God has been one of the greatest blessings of this “dance” of mine. I hope to become that for someone as well---plus, I can introduce him/her to Michèle and her journey and he/she can be really blessed. The sub title is the next step that I’m experiencing as I am getting ready to return to work next Monday. I’m not sure if I’m trying to prepare my HHS friends or myself. I know that the results are better than I, and my doctors, ever dreamed they would be. For that I am grateful. I know that I, by Dr. Ha’s recommendation, need a lifestyle change about sunlight---wearing a mask and hat or both are necessary. The mask is easier for quick trips involving sunlight. It also hides the mucus that easily flows from my “new” right nostril without me feeling it ‘til it reaches my chin. Dr. Ha says it’s because my mucosa went into shock during the surgery and is now waking up. And the lips it flows over have no feeling and never will---at least that’s what I understood from a nerve discussion we had. I also drool out of the right side of my mouth for no apparent reason and actually have lip exercises for that and other eating difficulties---all of which seem to improve weekly. I guess those “lip calisthenics” are working. At this point public salad slurping and cereal eating are out of the question but I can eat most anything in smaller bites, especially on my left/good side. I still use a straw for drinking---it’s just easier and more comfortable. I keep some with me at all times---they help me with heat---which I can’t feel as well. That’s the physical part. The other part deals with my new look---not bad, but different---maybe not even permanent. Those who know me think it looks great---what else can they say, right? Considering every other possibility it is good but lets just say I don’t relish having my picture made. I have seen others look askance and feel their discomfort. That’s the way society is---I’m praying that I will become more sensitive in a positive way to folks with disfigurations of any kind. Even now I see God’s great goodness in my unusual lips and flat nostril. As God would have it, I went to Michèle’s blog to see her latest posting. I “accidentally” clicked the bookmark that went to her June 12, 2008 posting---written just 2 days after her mohs surgery to remove her tumor. She has not had to have reconstruction. She is such a writer---I just copied a few of her words---on her blog, the words are interspersed with exquisite pictures and I will include the URL at the end (& as a gadget) so you can see the pictures for yourself or read more of her struggle with beauty, especially where weight is concerned. Read only if you want a real blessing! Thanks Michèle. Once again you have written words that are in my heart and have encouraged me as only you can. I, too, see God’s name written in my wound and to that I say, “A-men!”

• As I've spent so much time looking at the world around me through the lens of my camera, I've been prompted to think about beauty. Another factor in my beauty-musings might be the decidedly unflattering aspect of my own face these days, pictured here two days after my surgery. The word "ew" doesn't really do it justice--and I'm referring to the incision, swollenness and stitches, not to my lack of makeup!

• Is beauty the aesthetic tyranny of unachievable and unnatural standards tattooed on our subconscious minds by a media barrage of pictures and diet ads and clothing styles? Not only is flawless beauty promoted as a means to happiness, love and wealth, but the ads have increasingly gone one step further, demonizing aspects of the human (and female) anatomy that are the normal attributes of real bodies engaged in the aging process: wrinkles, cellulite, sagging appendages and shifting weight distribution.

• Beauty was in the kindness of strangers and the faithfulness of friends. More than ever, I am convinced that beauty is not about how a person looks. It is most clearly displayed in that person's motivations and how he/she touches the lives of others. (Psalm 27:13)

• On a spiritual level--an all-encompassing level, really--the ultimate beauty of my life has been in God's answers to the prayers of so many: in a smaller tumor than expected, in benign other "bumps" on my face, in a smaller wound than anyone had predicted and in an incredibly fast-healing scar. Beauty is in a faith that has allowed for peace despite the medical uncertainty. It is...and has been...in God.

We sang a chorus by Keith Getty on Sunday. One of the lines went: "Oh, to see my name written in your wounds." The lyrics moved me because they made me realize that it is actually His name that is written in my wound. And though I hope it will some day become less visible, each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's incredible sustenance throughout this McJourney. And there is great--GREAT--beauty in that. http://serenitymine.xanga.com/?nextdate=6%2f12%2f2008+23%3a58%3a1.700&direction=n Because this might not link from here, I'll add it as a gadget above Seeing God's Hand---then just a double click should open it. Also, once you've finished reading the 2008 blog entry, you can click on Serenitymine in the upper left corner & it will take you to a current one where she lists "rules for living" for her graduating seniors---a worthy read for all of us.

Soothing Psalms

2/28/09 Psalms Soothe the Soul-- so does the falling snow out my window as I type Psalms in the Hebrew Bible is Tehillim, which means "praise songs." Descriptive praise psalms offer praise to God for Himself or for His general working rather than for a specific instance of His working. The psalms are Hebrew poetry. That’s probably why the psalms speak to my heart b/c I love poetry---a poet can say so much with few words and yet we get the big picture or the analogy. 

I need to soothe my soul. Maybe it’s because this time next week, I’ll be in Dallas for multiple surgeries!. I’ll no longer be in the comfort of the familiar---my home for the last 32 years---my bed, my blankies---though I will take 2 “squish” pillows (down--that’s worn way down) with me---Those thoughts give a creature who loves habit a little pause. So, I’m turning to the most soothing psalm I know to learn from my Good Shepherd. I only know (by heart) the King James version---possibly another 4th grade memory assignment. Psalm 23 (wherein lies my security) 

 Read the entire psalm. Look closely at the first three verses. 1) The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. 2) He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. 3) He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Ever heard the story of the Sunday School teacher who asked her pre-school class is any one could recite the 23rd psalm? One little girl made quite a production out of it as she stood before the class, said, “the Lord is my shepherd, that’s all I want,” bowed and sat back down. ‘nuff said, don’t you think?---quite poetic---summing up in just a few words the big picture of that psalm. 

I am drawn to this psalm of David (the shepherd boy and then king) as a psalm of trust and confidence in God’s goodness in the present and in the future. (Constable) Verse 1--Because the Lord is my shepherd (my Yahweh Raah or named by many as Jehovah Rohi) I shall not want. I will not lack for any good thing. He, my caregiver & friend, will provide for my needs. 

Verse 2 He maketh me to lie down (be still) ---sometimes He really has to “make” me---taking out the phone or internet or putting me flat on my back---that way I have to “look up.” In green pastures---a great place for sheep to be easily fed---He nourishes/feeds me with His Word. He leadeth me---(He guides me & knows my name just as the shepherd leads & calls his sheep by name, (John 10:3) beside the still waters. ---calming, yet living water---the water of life. Bishop Handley Mouley used to say, “Even if you have not a long time to spend in the morning with your God, hem it with quietness. (Edges of His Ways, 2/22; emphasis mine) 

Verse 3 He restoreth my soul; “Unto Thee O Lord do I lift up my soul” (Psa. 25:1) spiritual rest and renewal--I can’t do it on my own. In His grace, He feeds the hunger in my soul and that nourishment keeps me. O people of God, be great believers! Little faith will bring your souls to heaven, but great faith will bring heaven to your souls. (Charles H. Spurgeon) he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness---I can trust His guidance to keep me on a level path (Psa. 27:11) His path (Psa. 25:4) for his name's sake.----as One who directs His people for His reputation, His glory. 

In every situation even ones of adversity, to God be the glory.

Assignment to self or you can join me if you choose---as you put your head on the pillow tonight, recite these 5 words.......The LORD is my shepherd---each time emphasizing a different word and just see how many different ways those words will speak to you. 

Teaching Tuesday

1/27/09

The lessons today must be just for me b/c ljj was not available for my "practice teaching"---but oh how many times she has listened---nor were any of my 24 Hr. Fitness water buds—I would practice my lessons on them in the sauna and get feedback before I would teach my Bible study lessons. One was my dance expert, so maybe she can help me in this latest "Dance."

Word for the day is hand. I am an obedient student---someone tells me to look for God's hand, even in the little things, I start looking. In years past He sometimes has had to knock me over the head with the obvious---obvious to everyone else that is. Of course, I hate to start doing body parts b/c I'm sure there will be verses on lips or nostrils---not ready to go there in public. It was bad enough at church Sunday night to have 2 doctors picking my nose---out in the vestibule of the church, no less.

But I trust in you, O Lord; I say you are my God. My times are in your hands…..(Psa. 31:14-15)

For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Early this morning—per a request last night "to meet face to face and w/ Larry b/c we were in a different ballpark now"---Larry & I met w/ Dr. C who drew this incredible labyrinth of sorts, showing the twisty-turny path of my journey with MAC from 1^st visit to different docs to input from docs world-wide to the latest change. He drew all of this out on a paper cloth that covered the round table where we sat. He said this is so "strange" and it could be seen as a bit of a tangle of intersections but………….I took the pen from him and drew in my pitiful artistic manner---a hand around all those appointments and doctors names and told him, "That's what God's hand looks like!" I've felt better ever since. BTW I have the cloth---you knew I would, didn't you!

Near the end of the day a phone conversation with my dear friend Ashley Bryan, who today won the 2009 Laura Ingalls Wilder award, lifted my spirits. When I told him how much I have been inspired by his depiction of God's hand in his book, Let it Shine: Three Favorite Spirituals, he, in his humble way, told me how concerned he was for me and how much I inspired him.

Meditating Monday

1/26/09

I am choosing NOT to meditate on my tumor today---Big MAC attack is to be set aside so that I can fully focus on God's goodness:

Banana puddin' for breakfast---I'm actually trying to gain back recently lost pounds---my friends are "bashing" me about this new found "eat more" opportunity.

Allowing me to pray for others.

Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8)----even in the dark times---make that especially in the dark times. Make mine a BRT---Belief, Rest and TRUST---I have the belief, I'm getting the rest so I'm slathering on the Trust---so it covers this whole Big MAC.

God's goodness is SO evident to me ----He has sent Michele into my life for such a time as this with words of encouragement---because she has stood where I am standing.

Words from her could encourage us all--"-I'm praying for peace and for an eternal perspective as you face the days and weeks ahead. I am praying for miracles too, whether they come through your surgeon's scalpel or through the Lord's all-knowing hand. "Prayer is the slender thread that moves the hand of God." (Corrie Ten Boom) His hand is moving even as I write..."

Diagnosis

January 13th my mom, Dotsy, was diagnosed with microcystic adnexal carcinoma. Microcystic adnexal carcinoma (MAC) is a rare, malignant appendage tumor commonly classified as a low-grade sweat gland carcinoma that typically occurs on the head and neck, particularly the central face. 

This is not Mom's face. Hers is on the right side of the face.

It shows aggressive local invasion but has little metastatic potential. There have only been 300 cases documented worldwide.