God's Strength

2/2/09
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

This is a good verse for meditation on a morning when you don’t even want to get out of bed. I prefer the mornings when I’m able to say, “Good morning, Lord. I think I’ll have a piece of homemade chocolate meringue pie for breakfast.”

I was able to sit with Mommar, Larry’s mom, and watch birds and squirrels out the window even though thoughts of lawyers, docs, reports to fax, calls to make etc. etc. etc. were whirring around in my head. Those who are “on the same page” with me in the Jesus Calling book know the focus of today’s entry was free flowing thoughts seem to move toward problems------if focus is snagged on your problem, it circles round and round (boy, did it ever)----Your energy is drained!! It was already drained from three days of the “tyranny of the urgent”—you know those things that demand your attention & so you tend to them.

As an aside, if you are on the same page in the Jesus Calling book would you let me know---I’ve heard from several folks thru comments or LHH message/well wishes page or cards & calls. Just e-mail me at dotsyliles@gmail.com. Just wondering how far this little book is reaching.

This Monday was in my mind to become the day to share a little about MAC with folks b/c some have asked---maybe I wasn’t ready for that. I do know that sometimes people look at me as if I’m “in denial”---I’m really in a grace bubble. Trust me, I know a lot about MAC & enough of the journey ahead to warrant my attention and an understanding of things that I choose not to share b/c you readers are not covered with that extra measure of mercy and grace that is mine for the taking/accepting in the midst of this crisis.

Today became “Journal Jottings: a Juxtaposition of my Frailty and God’s Strength.” I needed His power and strength today in extra measure!! 

Thanks to anyone who prayed early---maybe it was your prayer that helped get me out of the bed and in a mode to ask Him myself---to strengthen me by the power of His might….for patience and endurance during this time.”

Journal Jottings

2/1/09
This is my first day ever in the month of February knowing that MAC is here with me. Glad I “camped out” in His Word yesterday.

Hooray---Molly had a great support group as well as sales at her art show at St. George’s last night. Larry even went there when he left ICU---after being with his dad. As you can imagine, we had no time to post “blog” last night.

I’m so time compulsive I almost couldn’t let my Saturday’s blog be posted on Sunday. Now, even my watch battery has gone out---God has His ways doesn’t He? Guess whose timetable I’m on now? Maybe I’ll use the “no watch” excuse for being in my jammies ‘til after noon today. Not to worry, I know it’s Sunday---I can listen to my son preaching on-line---I can just do it lying on the window seat in the computer room---doesn’t matter what I’m wearing. Hey, soon a hospital gown will be about as dressed up as I get. You know how flattering they are---and exposing---YUK, now that’s not a pretty thought.

For those who know me, or those who have heard me “confess” during my teaching times, y’all know that I’m a little____(looking up synonyms for the word I want to express in a more delicate way)----ah-hah, “obsessively self-controlled” comes up---aka obsessive compulsive. This is no surprise to most folks. They know I use white-out in my journal---for years I assumed everyone did. I was thrilled when Ashley Bryan taught me to make flowers from my mistakes, instead of erasing them. I would only write in my red journal with my red pen---any other color stymied the ability for the pen to move. Now here I am on this new, never before trodden path in my life, putting words out in cyberspace for “strangers” to read. Most times my words are posted without spell check---certainly a grammar check would “crash” any computer as it tried to decipher my run on sentences punctuated only by dashes. I still prefer writing pens that flow and glorious smooth writing paper but I’ve become willing to share my flaws with whomever, though it’s not always comfortable.

Pasted from last Spring’s lesson I taught from Hebrews 11:6: (Print was large so I could read them from the podium—though I rarely read my notes once I get going-----)

Ask the ladies, “WHO’S THE ONE CALLING YOU TO “STEP” OUT/”SWIM OUT?” The One who calls is the One who equips w/ extra courage & faith –we just have to be willing. Are you willing to get off the steps??? (from story of swimming lesson w/ grandson who didn’t want to get off the steps and swim out, even though he would be swimming to the arms of a loving & waiting father. Those steps in the shallow water felt safer.

Today I had to ask myself that same question----Am I willing? My private steps (my journal jottings) are safe (not exposing self to world feels safe.) This is just my story but since God seems to be having me share my fumbling, stumbling faith walk, I will.

Another reminder from my lesson notes reminded me---"When we step out or step off the steps, it’s not blind faith----it’s actually seeing---it’s just seeing with eyes of faith."

These eyes are ready to close for some sleep. Thank you Lord that You are Faithful and True.

Camping Out

1/31/09
It’s not alliterative but it’s where the Lord had me today. This Liles crew has had many Saturdays spent "camping out” in the woods---all memorable but not all pleasant---in fact, the most memorable were those bordering on disaster. Our camping fiascos might discourage others from “risking the endeavor” but those crisis/catastrophes have become our shared jokes (which most people wouldn’t get---esp. our Deep Creek ones) Times of humorous reflections are good---definitely warming the soul. Today the Lord had me camping out in Isaiah 40.

Asked for No phone calls on LHH site today b/c 6:15 am. call sent Larry’s dad back into surgery to fix a leak in his by-pass and I needed unencumbered access to MaBell or whoever we have now since I dropped the old phone in the “tub” and Larry changed phones & our provider. Some days I just want an old princess phone with the curly cord---much easier to find. We now have 3 phones and I can never seem to find any of them. Even the battery on Larry’s cell has a way of going out when I pick it up.

After popping in to check on next-door neighbor & share some of my “bountiful blessing of potato salad,” I had time for an early morning walk---prescribed by WH as a great pre-surgery prep. It became more than that. It became a praise walk! It brought me back to Isaiah 40:26, “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens, Who created all these……” The prophet is talking about the stars---and His one big star, the sun, was warming my back as I walked. His son was warming my heart—it felt great.

I also began to reflect on the “moonlight walks” of 1984. Larry and I would take Buddy, Josh and Molly on a walking adventure (mostly in their pjs). This would occur on the night the Almanac declared the “fullest moon” for each month, There were 13 full moons that year! I even documented (your not surprised, are you) where we were and what we did—had a snowball fight in March, walked in alley by Winslow’s house to our childhood tree house in KY, saw our moon from a ship’s deck as it reflected on the water of the Caribbean……..

Wrote a thank you note to Michele in Germany today b/c I received her beautiful book, Postcards from the Water’s Edge—about her cancer journey. As I went to put it in the envelope to seal it with love & a grateful heart and lots of stamps, I saw the verse on the stationery I had chosen---how had I forgotten---it was Isaiah 40:11---“He tends His flock like a shepherd. He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart…..” I am in His arms and though the tears are falling as I write, I can feel His heart!

Forgiving Fridays

1/30/09
This week the ole pragmatic mom in me, seeking to advise my daughter, was appropriately rebuffed by her. "Mom," she said. "Get out of my Kool-aid!" To all of you reading this today------If I have gotten "up" in your Kool-aid, please forgive me. I'm sure that I rationalized that being "up in your Kool-aid" was for your well-being. My, how easy it is to label CONTROL as good intentions......as easy as pushing the control button on my iMac computer.

Trust me on this one folks, only God is in control! And that's a good thing.
That's what "Forgiving Fridays" are all about ---making amends with God (asking forgiveness of sin) and making amends w/ others. In a "12 step" program my Forgiving Fridays are similar to their Step #5 which admits to God, self and others (when appropriate) the exact nature of the wrong. It goes hand in hand w/ their Step #4, where they take a moral inventory. The two steps are done together to be effective. I think that's right---
Do you ever get caught up in yourself? My confession---when Dr. B. (Memphis doc)
called the other day and said Dr. H. (Dallas doc) was awaiting my phone call , I envisioned
him standing by the phone. NOT!! I'm still waiting—- but there's a great lesson there for me.
Have you ever felt singled out in a positive way? Lately, every time I read one of my 5 different devotional books I think they are written just for me---but they are written for each of us who allows the Presence of God to use them in his/her life. New devotional book (from GI), Amy Carmichael's, Edges of His Ways----

-----today told of ST. Paul letting his letters break into song---WOW, just where I was yesterday. It concluded w/ the importance of praying against barriers, "which are nearly always made of self-love in one way or another." Journal excerpt: "Forgive me Father. Take me back to square one---review with me the basic steps of "our dance" ---enable me to continue to say, "move over self----it's not about me ---it's all about Thee!"

Thankful Thursday

1/29/09

---one year I had to do all 365 days focusing on thankfulness---it became my gratitude journal---I never missed a day but some days I had to scratch/choose to see events as thanksgiving---it became lots easier, the more I practiced---that was a life lesson for me. "In every thing, give thanks."

Yesterday's entry seemed to be full of run-on sentences of mental meanderings. My stream of consciousness tangle/jumble was hard to untangle even for my hubby and he's lived with this confused brain for almost 40 years.

Even during early hour prayers this morning, I found my thoughts would wander. But…..the answer was in Jesus Calling----Keep your focus on Me. When your mind wanders, "Bring every thought captive," (2 Corin. 10:5) In My light anxious thoughts shrink…….. confused ideas are untangled.

I began with focusing on the Lord through song---thinking, " I just need a hymnal." Well, searching on the bottom shelf of the lawyers cabinet that had been my grandmother's, I found a Cokesbury Hymnal, copyright 1923. It cost 30¢. So, the Lord and I had a songfest and my heart began to overflow with gratitude.

When I sang, It is Well With my Soul with tears starting to flow, I knew that even in this challenge, my soul is well, He Keeps Me Singing as I Go---was the hymn reminder that kept me singing/thanking Him all day:

1. …while waiting for the doc phone call that never came.

2. …while celebrating with friends at Houston High*

3. …while talking to myriads of people who care

4. …while hugging a dear friend. IC, whom I had to track down

5. …while calmly responding to my father-in-law's fears about his surgery tomorrow---though my heart ached for him

*UTrust came to school to film the school nurse and the HHS Café ladies, based on a story I had written about them. I was the author, but they were the inspiration---it was their story, I just told it so others would know how each of them make a difference in the lives of so many of us---and they do it because they care. The nurse has already showered me with flowers and hugs and I left the cafeteria today laden with my favorite soup and BUTTER COOKIES!!!! That shoud be #6---b/c I'm thankful for such a big stash.

Things change with a call and before I could even post these earlier comments, I had another BIG reason to say Thank you, Lord! I had an entire chapel to myself, to kneel before the Lord I love and beg for extra measures of mercy and grace for a family I love as my own.

Weeping Wednesday (Don't stop here---read further)*

1/28/09

These tags of alliteration for the days of the week have been a part of my life for a long time—reminders that help me focus. So, though today is a day for weeping, it's not for crying physically as I have done on some days in this journey, but…..it's my day of asking God to "create in me a clean heart, O Lord and renew a right spirit within me" (Psalm 51:10) To do that He has to show me my sin---not a pretty picture---but necessary, especially for one whose SELF can rear it's ugly head. Actually, my subtle sin is self-protection. (Inside Out by Larry Crabb p.100---almost erased this citation to put in an APA or MLA format---old habits die hard for librarians) Self protection is pain avoidance esp. at a deep level---one often builds walls in relationships to have that protection. Sometime it's pride—not willing to let people see all the warts---and now God is allowing me to practice showing my humanity, warts and all. BTW, I read today that there are over 2.5 million blogs but *only 4% of people read writings of others.......... basically bloggers are having conversations with themselves--- it has been therapeutic.

Just reread parts of Ortberg's When the Game is Over it all Goes Back in the Box.

 (can't you see yourself clearing the Scrabble board and dumping all those wooden tiles into the little faux velvet bag?? ---a great read) I was reminded of so many truths---

The board you & I play on is in the shape of a calendar---live one square at a time.

In Ethiopia, a man's wealth is measured by his friends---In said measurement, I am indeed WEALTHY!

Arrange your life around what matters most to God----People matter.

On a lighter note, I have also learned, that there is no such thing as too many post-it/stickie notes. My dear ljj used to say I needed a Velcro bra----hm-m-m, maybe she's right---she usually is.

Family matters: As I wait, we are also awaiting by-pass surgery for Larry's dad & trying to aid his mother who spent the night here b/c they live in Oakland & she doesn't need to be alone. I was able to read Jesus Calling aloud to her as we sat at the breakfast table eating and watching Larry's (Pop-Pop's) birds feasting outside the window. How special is that?

My brothers and their wives from KY are coming Friday to bring Daddy so I can see them all before the Big MAC event. He won't spend the night but I'm grateful for their sacrifice---that's a lot of driving in one day.

Teaching Tuesday

1/27/09

The lessons today must be just for me b/c ljj was not available for my "practice teaching"---but oh how many times she has listened---nor were any of my 24 Hr. Fitness water buds—I would practice my lessons on them in the sauna and get feedback before I would teach my Bible study lessons. One was my dance expert, so maybe she can help me in this latest "Dance."

Word for the day is hand. I am an obedient student---someone tells me to look for God's hand, even in the little things, I start looking. In years past He sometimes has had to knock me over the head with the obvious---obvious to everyone else that is. Of course, I hate to start doing body parts b/c I'm sure there will be verses on lips or nostrils---not ready to go there in public. It was bad enough at church Sunday night to have 2 doctors picking my nose---out in the vestibule of the church, no less.

But I trust in you, O Lord; I say you are my God. My times are in your hands…..(Psa. 31:14-15)

For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

Early this morning—per a request last night "to meet face to face and w/ Larry b/c we were in a different ballpark now"---Larry & I met w/ Dr. C who drew this incredible labyrinth of sorts, showing the twisty-turny path of my journey with MAC from 1^st visit to different docs to input from docs world-wide to the latest change. He drew all of this out on a paper cloth that covered the round table where we sat. He said this is so "strange" and it could be seen as a bit of a tangle of intersections but………….I took the pen from him and drew in my pitiful artistic manner---a hand around all those appointments and doctors names and told him, "That's what God's hand looks like!" I've felt better ever since. BTW I have the cloth---you knew I would, didn't you!

Near the end of the day a phone conversation with my dear friend Ashley Bryan, who today won the 2009 Laura Ingalls Wilder award, lifted my spirits. When I told him how much I have been inspired by his depiction of God's hand in his book, Let it Shine: Three Favorite Spirituals, he, in his humble way, told me how concerned he was for me and how much I inspired him.

Meditating Monday

1/26/09

I am choosing NOT to meditate on my tumor today---Big MAC attack is to be set aside so that I can fully focus on God's goodness:

Banana puddin' for breakfast---I'm actually trying to gain back recently lost pounds---my friends are "bashing" me about this new found "eat more" opportunity.

Allowing me to pray for others.

Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34:8)----even in the dark times---make that especially in the dark times. Make mine a BRT---Belief, Rest and TRUST---I have the belief, I'm getting the rest so I'm slathering on the Trust---so it covers this whole Big MAC.

God's goodness is SO evident to me ----He has sent Michele into my life for such a time as this with words of encouragement---because she has stood where I am standing.

Words from her could encourage us all--"-I'm praying for peace and for an eternal perspective as you face the days and weeks ahead. I am praying for miracles too, whether they come through your surgeon's scalpel or through the Lord's all-knowing hand. "Prayer is the slender thread that moves the hand of God." (Corrie Ten Boom) His hand is moving even as I write..."

Serene Sabbath

1/25/09 Serene Sabbath---planning to "be still" For those who have asked, son Josh's web site will give you instant updates even when I get wherever I'm going---he has a "magic phone"---iPhone, I think" so he can do all this from any distance---All you need to do is enter your e-mail address and your e-mail password and then he approves you and you'll get the messages. www.lotsahelpinghands.com/c/610549/

This is the day the Lord has made: let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24) Today's verse in the Upper Room (which I try to read along with Daddy) is one of my favorites, Zephaniah 3:17 (between Habakkuk and Haggai---bet that helped a lot didn't it?? 

As a librarian, I commend the use of a Table of Contents, especially when they have a listing in alphabetical order.) The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Maybe rejoice is the word of the day---I think I'll just rejoice quietly. Today's My Utmost for His Highest said, Be in a state of expectancy---my marginalia was ----expectancy NOT expectation.

Saturating Saturday

1/24/09

Began day with Saturday routine (routine feels good) --- Warriors on the Wall prayer time---praying lots for my "back-up/sub partner, Linda Dickens---what a privilege to pray for others.

Together Larry and I listen to son Buddy's Jan.18 sermon on-line---series he is in dealt with truth about trials and sufferings---how timely—from I Peter 1:6-12 and a few detours to Romans 8:28 (LA's verse) and Matthew 6:15 & 16 (scripture passage I taught in Mexico last March)---God blessed us with His peace. So…………….

Word of the day is Peace--------------World definition is without conflict or war---Dotsy definition is supernatural calmness in the middle of war or trial and God's word says……

The Lord will give strength unto His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace. (Psalm 29:11)

But the meek shall inherit the earth; and shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace. (Psalm 37:11) Wow, there's yesterday's word---abunDANCE---God often has to show me things more than once (or twice even) Will have to do a word study on Hebrew word for meek b/c definition that comes to mind is not one that I think describes me.

After God, had given me all this during my time with Him, then I opened Jesus Calling and the first two words were, "My Peace" (Uh—hel-lo!)

Glad for peaceful morning b/c rest of day was a whirlwind with 3 phone calls from sweet, precious, brilliant, world-renowned plastic surgeon, Dr. Louis Carter. He called my Dr. Burruss—Dr. B's response was, "How did you know about this?" Anyone besides me know the answer to that!!!!!