"Tuckered Out"

5/13/09 Too Beat to Blog
What a privilege and a blessing to babysit a two-year-old and what a responsibility----don’t want him to get a “boo-boo” or an “ouchie” on my watch. What stamina it requires as well. After our “walk-walk” with Ellen we headed to the library where Owen's first words out of his mouth were, “I’m running, Shug.” After a slight rearranging of a few book shelves, we ended up with two books, Tea for Me, Tea for You and The Potty Book. Guess which one he chose? It did have big pictures of giraffes, elephants and pigs---his favorite animals, who just happened to be sitting on little potties. The good news is he still naps---so did I---passed out is more like it. Did I love it? Yes? Am I tired ? YES! Do I have a coherent thought? No. Cobweb brain? Yes! Headed to bed? YES!

Psalm 127:3-5
3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD.
The fruit of the womb is a reward. 4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
 so are the children of one's youth.* How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

*THOT: I think youth is a key word in this verse.
Here’s what Constable has to say about those verses.
In Solomon's day grown children normally cared for their parents in their old age. They would defend them as the parents became increasingly dependent and vulnerable. That is what Solomon evidently had in mind in verses 4 and 5. Thus children can be a kind of insurance policy, but not one that someone can work hard to buy. They are a gift from God.

Microcystic Adnexal Carcinoma

5/12/09 About Face The title for this entry is to facilitate a “google” search for someone who might have just been diagnosed with MAC and has no idea about this cancer---probably the doctor doesn’t know much either. It was my daughter Molly’s diligence in her google search that led her to Germany and “my” Michèle, whose journey with MAC is a year ahead of mine. She has been my encourager, reality checker, prayer warrior and friend. Nothing quite bonds people like being on the same side of a suffering. To have not only found a MAC survivor but to have found one who walked that long, daunting road of the unknown with God has been one of the greatest blessings of this “dance” of mine. I hope to become that for someone as well---plus, I can introduce him/her to Michèle and her journey and he/she can be really blessed. The sub title is the next step that I’m experiencing as I am getting ready to return to work next Monday. I’m not sure if I’m trying to prepare my HHS friends or myself. I know that the results are better than I, and my doctors, ever dreamed they would be. For that I am grateful. I know that I, by Dr. Ha’s recommendation, need a lifestyle change about sunlight---wearing a mask and hat or both are necessary. The mask is easier for quick trips involving sunlight. It also hides the mucus that easily flows from my “new” right nostril without me feeling it ‘til it reaches my chin. Dr. Ha says it’s because my mucosa went into shock during the surgery and is now waking up. And the lips it flows over have no feeling and never will---at least that’s what I understood from a nerve discussion we had. I also drool out of the right side of my mouth for no apparent reason and actually have lip exercises for that and other eating difficulties---all of which seem to improve weekly. I guess those “lip calisthenics” are working. At this point public salad slurping and cereal eating are out of the question but I can eat most anything in smaller bites, especially on my left/good side. I still use a straw for drinking---it’s just easier and more comfortable. I keep some with me at all times---they help me with heat---which I can’t feel as well. That’s the physical part. The other part deals with my new look---not bad, but different---maybe not even permanent. Those who know me think it looks great---what else can they say, right? Considering every other possibility it is good but lets just say I don’t relish having my picture made. I have seen others look askance and feel their discomfort. That’s the way society is---I’m praying that I will become more sensitive in a positive way to folks with disfigurations of any kind. Even now I see God’s great goodness in my unusual lips and flat nostril. As God would have it, I went to Michèle’s blog to see her latest posting. I “accidentally” clicked the bookmark that went to her June 12, 2008 posting---written just 2 days after her mohs surgery to remove her tumor. She has not had to have reconstruction. She is such a writer---I just copied a few of her words---on her blog, the words are interspersed with exquisite pictures and I will include the URL at the end (& as a gadget) so you can see the pictures for yourself or read more of her struggle with beauty, especially where weight is concerned. Read only if you want a real blessing! Thanks Michèle. Once again you have written words that are in my heart and have encouraged me as only you can. I, too, see God’s name written in my wound and to that I say, “A-men!”

• As I've spent so much time looking at the world around me through the lens of my camera, I've been prompted to think about beauty. Another factor in my beauty-musings might be the decidedly unflattering aspect of my own face these days, pictured here two days after my surgery. The word "ew" doesn't really do it justice--and I'm referring to the incision, swollenness and stitches, not to my lack of makeup!

• Is beauty the aesthetic tyranny of unachievable and unnatural standards tattooed on our subconscious minds by a media barrage of pictures and diet ads and clothing styles? Not only is flawless beauty promoted as a means to happiness, love and wealth, but the ads have increasingly gone one step further, demonizing aspects of the human (and female) anatomy that are the normal attributes of real bodies engaged in the aging process: wrinkles, cellulite, sagging appendages and shifting weight distribution.

• Beauty was in the kindness of strangers and the faithfulness of friends. More than ever, I am convinced that beauty is not about how a person looks. It is most clearly displayed in that person's motivations and how he/she touches the lives of others. (Psalm 27:13)

• On a spiritual level--an all-encompassing level, really--the ultimate beauty of my life has been in God's answers to the prayers of so many: in a smaller tumor than expected, in benign other "bumps" on my face, in a smaller wound than anyone had predicted and in an incredibly fast-healing scar. Beauty is in a faith that has allowed for peace despite the medical uncertainty. It is...and has been...in God.

We sang a chorus by Keith Getty on Sunday. One of the lines went: "Oh, to see my name written in your wounds." The lyrics moved me because they made me realize that it is actually His name that is written in my wound. And though I hope it will some day become less visible, each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's incredible sustenance throughout this McJourney. And there is great--GREAT--beauty in that. http://serenitymine.xanga.com/?nextdate=6%2f12%2f2008+23%3a58%3a1.700&direction=n Because this might not link from here, I'll add it as a gadget above Seeing God's Hand---then just a double click should open it. Also, once you've finished reading the 2008 blog entry, you can click on Serenitymine in the upper left corner & it will take you to a current one where she lists "rules for living" for her graduating seniors---a worthy read for all of us.

Meditating Musings

5/11/09 More Thoughts on Meditation
Last Thursday on “National Day of Prayer,” I, along with others that week, had an assigned time to go to the “24/7” prayer tent erected by First Evan’s college ministry. I used the Bible in the tent---The Message. In the intro, Eugene Peterson, listed the components of lectio divina (spiritual reading): read, think, pray, live. To me, that’s another way of defining meditating on God’s word. When I first typed the list my typo had love listed instead of live----but that just emphasized to me that we’ll live out in His love, what we’re learning as we read and meditate on His word.
Within his components, I have reiterated some of last Monday’s ideas to encourage meditation as a way of knowing God.
Read---to truly read, you must soak yourself in it--be immersed—read more than once, read aloud, read in a different version
Think---turning it over and over in your brain, reflecting on it, maybe even committing to memory, as needed (& jot down your ideas or questions for THOTS—Trusting Him On This Subject)
Pray---more than petition, it’s acknowledging what God has been saying to you as you read and meditate & ask for understanding or direction for your THOT questions
Live---this is where God’s word and life learnings that you gain from the first 3 components begins to take shape in your life & you act on what you have heard

Assignment: meditate on this meditation passage from Psalm 1.
1Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. (King James Version)

Great Niece Arrives

5/10/09 p.m. IT’S A GIRL…………………..

WELCOME TO THE WORLD
Olive Elizabeth Davis
8:19 p.m.
7lbs. 2oz.

Proud Parents: Ashley and Eddie Davis
Grandparents: Susan and Bobby McCullough
Susan and Eddie Davis

HAPPY 1st MOTHER’S DAY, ASHLEY!!

Mother's Day

5/10/09 a.m.
My first waking thought this morning was about Mother. All those second Sundays in May when she would cut a red rose for us to wear to the First Methodist Church, are as much a part of growing up as anything I can remember. I always felt bad for anyone who had to wear a white rose, because that meant his/her mother had died. Through the years, I’ve seen ladies at church with a corsage, no more simple roses freshly cut from the garden like we had. Today I saw none---maybe because I wasn’t at a traditional service.
Since May 2002, my first Mother’s Day without her, I have looked longingly at the red roses outside my bathroom window. When my children were younger, I cut buds from that bush for them to wear, even my boys. This past January, when I was diagnosed with MAC, I wondered if they would remember that tradition, the one that would have them wear a white rose, if the Lord chose to take me home. I also was grateful that Mother did not have to go through my rare cancer diagnosis because I thought it would have broken her heart. My mother had tremendous strength for most things. During her heart attacks and cancer battle, her doctors dubbed her a “tough old bird.” But “bad” things involving her children or grandchildren were heartrending. Her own suffering she could endure---but not that of family.
Yet, I think, Mother, my #1 cheerleader, would have loved seeing all the folks that the Lord sent to “cheer” me along. That visible goodness of the Lord in the land of the living would have thrilled her heart. If she could see from heaven, I bet she’s throwing rose petals, both red and white, some for me and some for her.

One who walked in truth (3 John v.4)

5/9/09

In memory
of
John Steven Hawkins
who loved God, his family and his country
April 1983-May 2009
Son of Steve and Claudia
Brother of Helen

Attending the funeral just a couple of hours after I heard of his death, I was greeted by his mother, who hugged me and told me that she had been praying for me. Now it’s my turn to pray and I ask my prayer warriors to join me in praying extra measures of mercy and grace from the God of all Comfort for this family who today buried their only son and brother.

5/7/09 Thursday’s journal jottings & 5/8/09 Friday's Find, "RHJ's poem"
The pluvial climate of middle and western Tennessee didn’t dampen our spirits at the farm but it did bring about great change in my snowball bushes at home. It looked like a bride and her groom must have walked/danced by way of my yard with all their friends and relatives trailing behind and showering them with both an abundance of petals and entire snowballs. The ground was covered---a beautiful sight to behold.
I wonder if it will be like that in heaven when The Bridegroom walks/dances with His Bride, the church. It will certainly be a beautiful sight to behold.
Rachel Huff Julian, daughter of Garry and Wynellen, penned these poetic words, while at Houston High School, that to me express the beauty of such a time.

……Suddenly,
My Groom rises from His throne,
And He breaks the loneliness, which I have always known…
His hands meet mine
As we begin to dance.
Oh what fulfillment,
Oh what romance…
Everything flows,
There is no pause in our dance.
The two become one
As I hold tightly to His hands…

…….I have never danced this way before.
I have never loved this way before.
I have never known Him like this before.
O Christ, it is You I adore…
We flow as one,
Dancing before the King.

Excerpt from The Chamber Room

Rest

5/7/09 Reflections from a Rocker # 3
Ah-h-h the quiet of my surroundings, not even a squeak in the rocker---just rain on the roof of the covered porch and flowing out of Doris’ impromptu fountain made out of the cows’ mineral bucket, so it doesn’t flood the porch. Such surroundings are so peaceful and restful and conducive to lingering. What rest for my soul!
I had learned from one of son, Buddy’s, earlier messages that there are several myths about rest:
• Rest is leisure time. Our family can wear ourselves out in pursuit of leisure.
• Rest arrives with more money. Once you get it all, then you can rest is a real myth.
• Rest comes with more options. Just think about where more TV stations, more timesaving appliances and more social networks on the internet have really gotten us.

I also learned that there are truths about biblical rest. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28) He didn’t say that he would change the address or the circumstances but that He would meet us at each juncture with His rest.
No doubt we live in a “waffle house world”---one that keeps us scattered, (fragmented) covered (with responsibilities, even worthwhile ones) and smothered (by distractions that keep the Lord at bay). In Little House on the Freeway, Tim Kimmel describes such a condition; so busy we can’t relax, seldom satisfied with what we have, worrying about things we cannot control and overworked and underappreciated. Where is the rest in this? Better question, “where is the Lord in this?” We are complete in Him. He is our rest.
Shalom (שָׁלוֹם) is a Hebrew word meaning peace, completeness, and welfare—I think that word gives us the right idea of His rest. It’s about Him not about our location or circumstances.
My first thought this morning was, it will be hard to leave this place of rest---a place of quiet inhabited by the Lord. Now I realize how silly that was; I can have His rest with me at all times as He inhabits my life.

"Walk-Walk"

5/5/09 Reflections from a Rocker # 2
“Walk-Walk” was Owen’s way of letting us know that he wanted down---limited language but we got the message. Larry sent instructions to my farm nurses to make sure I got to “walk-walk” each day as part of my rehab. I wonder if God wants us to put down other distractions and “walk-walk” with Him? Bet He does!
We have biblical references of men who walked with God---Abraham and Daniel come to mind. Even specific verses reveal “Noah walked with God.” “Enoch walked with God.”
Walking implies action---movement, progression, direction---usually intentional. (dancing terms to me) Walking can be just as much for spiritual exercise as physical exercise.
“Today is Tuesday and you know what that means.” At Houston High it means you can’t park in the parking lot after school because of band practice. For me, it means “teaching” day---just sharing some tidbit that I’ve learned with someone else. This morning it became an “Exercise in Ephesians” as I shared with my farm nurses the “sit, walk, stand” divisions of the book---just passing on what Nancy Binkley had taught me from Watchman Nee’s little 70 page book of the same name. Just as the book is divided into chapters, these chapters are divided into sections that teach us to sit before we walk. I made them “sit” along time in a crouch-like position until they felt burning in their quads. This was to remind them that they needed to “sit” at the feet of the Lord (for a long time) in order to know Him and to be ready to “walk” (Chapter 4 transition) worthy of the gospel. In chapter 5, one who has been sitting also “walks in love” and is able to “stand” against evil---there’s a long list. As the book ends in chapter 6, we are even given great instructions for the armor of God that will help us continue to “stand” against the enemy. End of lesson for the day but one we all need to remember. Spiritual exercise starts as we “sit” and enables us to “walk-walk” with Him---a worthy “walk” of His love as we “stand” for His truth>

Rocker Reflections

5/4/09 Reflections from a Rocker #1
Cacophony--what a great descriptor for a morning on a farm, dubbed Full Circle Ranch. Having left the bedroom door, that is off the screen porch, open throughout the night, I had great a.m. audio. Actually it was more like surround sound. Geese were honking, dogs barking, cows mooing (one seemed to be bellowing in pain) birds tweeting and there was a real fussing going on somewhere---not sure if it was birds or squirrels. Delightful farm music, not exactly “muzak.,” but delightful all the same. This is indeed a “day the Lord hath made” and I for one am “rejoicing in it.”
Wandering out to the porch alone, with Bible, Jesus Calling and a legal pad---somehow a laptop seemed like an anachronism, I took my seat on the big Cracker Barrel type rocker that over looked the horse pasture. The pasture, covered with buttercup weed and somewhat flooded from many days of soaking rains and Saturday night’s storm, gave real meaning to the term pastoral. There are six horses in my view, Most were brown (bays) but there was a splotchy spotted (paint or pinto) and one whitish one (palomino) and a red (roan)---Doris supplied the equine terms. What fun they were having in their morning frolic rearing up at one another and romping together---a real gamboling going on.
“I love you, Lord and I lift my voice, to worship you , O my soul, rejoice. Take joy, my king, in what You hear. May it be a sweet, sweet sound in Your ear.” Not even sure the words were right but God knew my heart’s song.
Then, the meditation began to flow naturally. It’s Monday---my day for meditating, Did you notice that the meditation followed worship? I just saw that. The verse that I am meditating on is, “Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Thee because He trusteth in Thee.” (from memory, probably King James Version --- somewhere in Isaiah ---my limited concordance in the back of my Bible showed only one citation from Isaiah-- 9:6, and that’s not it. It was too early to call Buddy or Crickett so ya’ll are on your own---but I do know it is Isaiah)
Here’s what else I know about meditation---meditation on God’s word.

• It’s a holy exercise/discipline, of sorts---a pondering of His word. Being surrounded by cows this morning illustrates it well. They chew their cud, regurgitate it and chew some more---getting all the sweetness and nutrients needed for good health.

• Meditation is not hurried. Holiness and hurry may be alliterative but hurry is the antithesis of holy in the realm of spiritual rumination. (We mull over scripture verses---cows chew cud—sweet nourishment is end result for both)

• A mind is not just to be emptied without purpose---that can be dangerous. When we empty our minds for meditation, we need to fill it with God’s truth in order to further our understanding of Him and His Word. Keep your Bible at your fingertips.

• Precede meditation with prayer. Praying Psalm 119: 18 can be a way of seeking spiritual guidance as you seek Truth. “Open my eyes that I may behold wonderful things from Thy law.” “Let my cry come before Thee O Lord, give me understanding according to Thy word.” (Psa. 119:169)

• For meditation to have real value it must be occupied with God and His truth.

As I reflect on the verse or passage for a day or week, I usually have a page in my notes labeled THOTS. It stands for Trusting Him On This Subject. Anyone who has ever looked over my teaching notes has seen my acronym. It’s where I jot down questions, or ideas that have come to mind or other verse citations that might be similar. My first thoughts might need to be seen in context with the rest of the passage or measured against all of scripture, so I need spiritual guidance. Sometimes even commentaries will differ. I want to know the life truth that God has for me. I might "Philipians 4:8 it" as teacher, Kay Arthur, taught me and “think on these things”---things that are just, pure, lovely, of good report and worthy of praise.

Just as I finished jotting these notes, I was served a “cuppa” and some Walker’s shortbread, Le Petit Ecolier, and was joined by my friends (along with a resident bluebird) what a way to begin the day. I am indeed rejoicing…..but I’m still meditating.