GRIEF REVISITED

2/20/11

Past journal entries from this week in ’09 already had me feeling sad. Recent concerns for Daddy exacerbated this feeling. But nothing quite had me prepared for the pain and sadness I would feel as I once again shared “loss” with my sister-in-law, Louise. She and brother, Bobby are selling their Hoptown home of almost 34 years. They already have a condo in Nashville, near their daughter, Polly, and her family which includes their only grandchildren, but this will be the closing of the house where they raised both of their daughters. It is the only house where their Allyson lived (apart from a several weeks at UK) from the age of 1 month until she died in a car accident in 1995. It’s hard packing all the “stuff” that accrues after living in a home for so many years but…..how do you pack up a life?

Louise and Bobby had done the best they could over the years dealing with each new stage of grief as it came---but it never was easy …..and still is often incredibly hard even in the midst of gratitude for the 18 years they had with her. Yesterday was one of the hard times and though I wanted to ease her pain, I found it even hard just to swallow when I would pick up a card that Allyson had written to her mother or the framed handprints of when she was 4. Treasures. We talked and shared and culled and saved and then “hit a wall” as Louise dubbed it when we held up the red prom dress from her junior year in high school and her “Allyson” outfit for senior “dress-up day” that Louise had made for her. I took pictures of a closet full of those dresses and monogrammed dance team jackets so that when she does decide to pass them on to “prom dresses for disadvantaged girls” she’ll have the pictures.

Though I didn’t hit the wall as Louise did, I was certainly sobered when I picked up Allyson’s handwritten paper from middle school entitled, “My Future in the 90’s.” In the essay she mentioned making good grades in middle school, high school and going on to college. She also included supporting her friends at every juncture---which she did so well, never excluding anyone from her life. Her concluding paragraphs mentioned that following college, she would have a job and maybe she would marry and be a mom in the 21^st Century. Worthy plans and dreams for an 8^th grader. Plans interrupted. Her plans, her future, her hope are in the Lord…..for she lives for ever with the “Lord of the Dance.”

I'll live in you if you'll live in me,

I am the Lord of the dance, said he (Lord of the Dance lyrics)

SPEED BUMPS AHEAD

2/18/11 Baby Boomers Alert----It’s not easy being in one’s Medicare application year. So many unknowns loom and the volumes of information alone just add to the confusion. It’s disconcerting when the doctor no longer sees you as agile but notes that you are “spry.” Isn’t that a term for old folks? Hm-m-m. Even more disconcerting is when a doc won’t even see you anymore because you are on Medicare. “At your age” is another doc response when one questions certain ailments.
I’m not exactly speeding through life at this juncture, though the years do seem to be flying by. Plus, I seem more likely to tumble over the bumps that keep popping up in my path----like the riser on the HHS stage. In front of the “All Shook Up” cast I went careening to the floor after tripping on it. It’s just my new season.

Actually most “new” seasons in one’s life need to be approached with caution. There are bumps in the road---some are needed so that we don’t fall headlong into disaster.* Speed bumps are there to slow us down with an awareness of what’s ahead. What if we don’t really know what’s ahead? (Many times we don’t, even if we think we do.) Parenthood comes to mind. So many variables. First-time parents can’t even begin to imagine all of the twists and turns and challenges and delights ahead.

The final season, regardless of age, might come speeding in without warning---the death this week of a friend’s 27 yr. old grandson is proof of that. Another has a short final season--- “3 month” prognosis. Others, like Daddy and Mommar begin a memory slide that makes the season especially hard for family, while others their age are traveling, playing bridge or e-mailing, "skype"ing, and downhill skiing.

So what’s the answer to the fear of the “bumps”? How does one make the most of life’s seasons? TRUST---whether the bumps sneak up on you or you’re sailing through life at a “perfect” speed, the answer is found in trusting the Lord in the midst of your own season.

The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
And He delights in his way. 
24 *When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong, Because the LORD is the One who holds his hand. 25 I have been young and now I am old,
Yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
Or his descendants begging bread. (Psalm 37:23-25)

Back to the altar---

2/17/11 More ponderings on sacrifice this month have led me to some observations. In the Old Testament there were lots of blood sacrifices and burnt offerings as well as sacrifices for peace offerings. After the ultimate sacrifice of the Lord for our sins, the sacrifices that are fragrant aromas to the Lord are ourselves----as we live out our lives on behalf of others and to His glory. Walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice, to God as a fragrant aroma. (Ephesians 5:2)

Oswald Chambers added to my ponderings with his 2/5 & 2/6 entries in his devotional My Utmost for His Highest. I had to ask myself, am I willing to sacrifice my “limited” resources of time, money, and energy for others whom God puts in my path?

Chambers asks, “Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer—to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Or do you say, “I am not willing to be poured out right now, and I don’t want God to tell me how to serve Him. I want to choose the place of my own sacrifice.” Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted—not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?” “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way”

If I am being poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all—Philippians 2:17

Heb. 13:16 And do not neglect doing good and sharing, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Literati Addendum

2/16/11

Previous literati blog was difficult for me to “publish” because I was afraid of appearing more judgmental than concerned. Am I? So like me----worrying about how others might perceive me.

But God…..showed me that what I was considering was just groundwork for the bigger conflicting picture of knowledge and truth with opinions factored in to it. Michael Kerns, a missionary from Barnabas Associates, monthly letter (February 2011) arrived and offered deeper insight and widened my somewhat narrow view. Guess what, folks? Even knowledge of the literati doesn’t lead to wisdom.

“We have heard of some very smart people and have met some. Pundits like to use smart to describe people that they usually admire whose supposed intellect surpasses the rest of us ordinary ones. These praiseworthy people sit successfully at the top of their endeavors in sports, entertainment, politics or even religion. You can be a very smart person and savvy in the ways of the world and be wonderfully successful, but you may not be wise.”

Michael went on to define one who lives wisely as one who uses God’s Word as his “flywheel.” (I had to look that word up.) “Skillful living must come from the applied knowledge of Scripture” is the way he put it. But….even as Christians we need to heed more than those words heard from the erudite of the pulpit. This scrutiny is not to disparage pastors in any way---my son is one---but to emphasize the responsibility we have to study God’s truth on our own. Then we can allow sermons to complement what God has shown us through our own personal study of “His Holy Writ.”

Well spoken, Michael. Now I need to call you before I add your addendum to my literati blog or maybe Larry can ask when he sees you at Poplar Perk 'n.

Literati

2/15/11 Literati----Love the sound of that word. Heard it just recently as the correct answer to the “final Jeopardy” question. A hint embedded in the question was the opposing reference to those in pop culture whose opinions are seemingly valued more than those of the well read/learned. That would be the glitterati ----those famed celebrities and social elites on whom we bestow intelligence and legitimacy whether they have a clue or not. How sad that the words of the glitterati speak loudest in our world today.

It’s as if fame and fortune give one the credentials for dogmatically explaining everything from foreign affairs to religion. Don’t get me wrong, we all have a right to our opinions but that’s what they are, “our opinions.” We don’t have to buy into what the glitterati say or their chosen lifestyles of overindulgence just because they make it big at the box office or on the sports circuit. A student told me that she watches the news everyday a 3 p.m. to keep abreast of what’s happening. When I asked her which program, thinking CNN or Fox, she said, “Oh no, I watch “Inside Edition.” They had Lindsay Lohan’s latest court appearance and you should have seen Lady Gaga’s outfit.” ---or lack there of, came to my mind. Oh my. You get the idea.

Impressionable young minds building their ideas on TV feeds. I would like to fill their minds with everlasting truth. I would like for them to consider ideas and lifestyles that are “true, honest, just, pure, lovely and of good report” (Phil. 4:8) and “think on these things.” I would like their iPad RSS feeds to stream from God’s word.

Of course, that’s just my opinion, what’s yours?

Heart Reflections

2/14/11

Jamie Trussell, of Downline Ministries, spoke yesterday about how easy it is for a “spirit of inconvenience” to override a “spirit of compassion.” His message from Matthew 15 was so convicting to one who, just this past month, confessed to the “lure” of ease and convenience in her own life. He reminded me that Christ –centered compassion spills over into action. Does my own heart reflect compassion? Does yours? Reflect on this heart description from God’s word.

So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; (Colossians 3:12)

Move our hearts O Lord. May our lives reflect Your compassion as we take action and minister in Your love to others.

"HAPPYs"

2-13-11

Daughter Molly is always calling to say she’s bought me a “happy”----probably partly due to the fact that she’s already way ahead on “official” designated gift days. I received my Valentine’s gift weeks ago. I have to admit, she is a thoughtful shopper so her gifts are always “right on,” though this frugal mom wishes she would spend the money on her self. This past week, she again revealed ahead of time (via Ma Bell) her most recent gift. She labeled it a “little happy” and it was “perfect” right down to the packaging. The set of bookplates included one with a teapot----so apropos! The packaging alone brought a smile to my face. A teacup with a C.S. Lewis quote that speaks my own heart, “You can’t get a cup of tea BIG enough or a book L O N G enough to suit me.” (I told you it was perfect!)

Her gifts bless my heart. They make me smile. She gives out of her own lack and she gives thoughtfully and not under compulsion; I could learn so much from her.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful,….the cheerful heart has a continual feast. (Proverbs 15:13a &15b)

LITEA

2/12/11 Litea is a bookstore in Budapest and I love the Hungarian spelling because it reflects the two things I so-o-o enjoy in combination---a good book and a cup of tea---a good brisk Assam. I also loved this shop when I visited there on a mission trip in '97. There's just something universal about the smell of a good book store---it's right up there with the glorious smell of leather in an old library. Plus, this one had this small watercolor for sale that enabled me to bring this memory home with me.
I know that as Ecclesiastes 12:12 reminds me, "of making many books there is no end and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body." So, I try to do as The Preacher says, "find delightful words, and to write (and read, DAL) words of truth correctly."
A memory of the smell of good books (worthy of reading), a brisk cuppa and a small painting---a Litea experience right up my alley.

“POT PARTY”

2/11/11 Snow Day # 4 was reminiscent of “pot party” days of years gone by. Not the kind attended by hippies in the 60s, but ones where the Gurners, Higgs and Templetons with kids in tow, would come to our house with a “pot” of soup or spaghetti or chicken & dumplings or “whatever” was available from the pantry. Following sledding at the street hill on Lancaster, we’d come back to warm up and chow down. What fun that was!

So yesterday when I cooked, as I pridefully reported in a previous blog, I pulled out the big pots. Actually it was a lot like those former pantry raids. A recent Kroger sale had netted lots of stewed tomatoes and tomato sauce, so spaghetti was concocted. The potatoes were sprouting so I boiled ‘em in a pot and made potato salad. I had chicken left over and Velveeta in the fridge so HHS teacher, Debbie Gann’s, Tex Mex Cheesy Chicken Chowder was thrown into the mix. (*recipe below by request of the lunch bunch) A pecan pie was added “just because” (translated craving) and though I didn’t have those Pillsbury “unroll, fill and bake” refrigerated pie crusts, that I could borrow from neighbor Gayle in those days, I had the necessary ingredients in the pantry to make a crust using oil. (Certainly didn’t taste as good as when Elnora makes it----but eating around most of the crust and adding ice cream produced a tasty dessert.

But……the “fun” was missing. There was no one around to share it with---especially family and good friends. I’d gone through all the steps as in years past, but our home is an empty nest now---no little ones to share the joy. Isn’t that the way it is when you have something really good, you just want to share it, especially with kids. I want to be alongside my "grands" encouraging them in life----to create a meal from a pantry surplus or leftovers or to be with them at their first sports banquet. I want to watch them as they begin to “taste and see that the Lord is good." (Psalm 34:8) I want them to know I Corinthians 10:31….”whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God”----even if it's just eating ordinary food out a big old dented pot at their Shug's house.

*Tex Mex Cheesy Chicken Chowder

(a big pot full that serves 16)

1 lg. onion chopped (I used ½ bag of frozen ones b/c that’s all I had.)

1 c. thinly sliced celery

2 cloves garlic, minced (NA so I just sprinkled in the garlic powder from pantry.)

1 T. cooking oil

1 ½lb. cooked boneless chicken breast cut into bite sized pieces (I had bone–in and flavor was great.)

2 14ox. Cans chicken broth (I added a little extra broth from my chicken pot.)

1 32 oz. frozen hash browns, loose pack in frozen foods. (I only had 30 oz. & that was plenty.)

1 2.64 oz. Country Gravy mix (Only Pioneer brand pepper gravy in my pantry but it tasted like country.)

2. c. milk (I only had ½c. of skim so I used 1½ c. of half & half for the rest.)

1 8 oz. process cheese cut in chunks (My left over Velveeta was perfect.)

1 16 oz. chunky salsa (Available brand on my shelf was Kroger.)

1 4 ½ can diced green chili pepper. (NA I used 4 left over pepperoncini from the Papa John’s pizza box.)

1. Sauté onions, celery & garlic in oil until veggies are tender.

2. Add broth and potatoes Bring to a boil. Reduce heat. Simmer 5-7 min., stirring occasionally.

3. In medium bowl, dissolve gravy mix into milk. Stir in cheese, salsa and chilies. Add to “pot” along with the chicken. Reduce heat to low. Cook until cheese melts.

Fantasy Blog

2/10/11 You know you can’t ever truly believe what you read on a blog because bloggers want to put their best foot forward----I just recently read that. I should have read it sooner so I could “spruce” up my blog life for public viewing. It is true that I don’t tell all---maybe I’m sitting on the couch with laptop in (well, in my lap, where else) surrounded by laundry that needs folding. A few weeks ago I “lost” a roast and I chose not to tell that because how does one lose a roast between taking it out to thaw and coming home to an empty counter. The search that ensued was dramatic, with hubby, the bloodhound of most lost things at our house (most usually lost by me), checking everything from garbage cans and car trunks to my closet. We assumed eventually our nose would lead us to it---similar to those years of “lost” Easter eggs. I figured it was just in the lost items black hole with my swimsuit, numerous gloves, (my newest replacement pair lost yesterday on the coldest day of the year) car keys, MEMORY etc. Said roast was eventually found 10 days later in the freezer as friend Hal had suggested---though both eagle-eyed Larry and I had checked all 3 freezers numerous times.

Why is it so important to appear as something we are not? Why do we want to appear organized, thoughtful and smart, not to mention spiritual, as if we never miss a quiet time? Do we have it all together? Not at my house.

That desire is a cover-up for all our perceived inadequacies because we know “man looks on the outside.” We are people pleasers! "The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (I Samuel 16:7)

How many times do we need to be reminded to “never compare our insides with someone else’s outsides?”

Galatians 1:10 offers some great questions for pondering. Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Am I trying to please men? I thought about that as I was cooking today. (I was cooking---are you impressed---even making a homemade pie crust, though it wasn’t as light and tasty as when Elnora makes it) I rationalized that if I told too many of my foibles, folks wouldn’t want to read the blog because they would know how really pitiful I was, then how would I encourage or inspire? But God…..He let me keep the same title but made me include a few of the latest life snafus---because just sharing the good stuff would be a fantasy…..though I did sneak in the cooking part.

*Vanity of vanities, I didn’t even want to use my own "reminder finger" in the picture because it’s wrinkled, a touch arthritic and I don’t “do” manicures.