Fruit of the Spirit: Patience

8/2/09 Remember the old VBS (Vacation Bible School) song, “Down in my heart?”

"I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy, down in my heart, down in my heart.
(Where?) Down in my heart. (3x)
I’ve got the joy, joy, joy, joy
down in my heart, down in my heart---
down in my heart to stay."

Then new phrases (replacing joy) were added to create other spiritual things found “down in your heart”---peace that passes understanding and love of Jesus.

Do you recognize those first three attributes of the “fruit of the Spirit?” So where’s the patience? Do you think God wonders that about us sometimes---“where’s the patience, Dotsy?”

As always when things “come to mind” for the blog or those THOTS on a scripture are being mulled around, God has a way of showing me truth about myself. More often than not, it’s not very pretty. A lot of waiting comes in to play. Waiting involves patience. Maybe I’m a little short in that area.

But God……..I’m beginning to see that when we wait in hope there’s an entirely different dimension. It’s more that just being resigned to something or tolerating the circumstance---it seems to go deeper. It’s more than outwardly controlling an outburst---it’s more internal and most often selfless. A true longsuffering. A keeping on of keeping on. A perseverance with hope.
Now reader, you’re going to have to exert patience in waiting for the “rest of this story” because I’ve lost my notes I had so patiently jotted down on our family trip when I couldn’t get to my computer.

PRACTICE PATIENCE! It’s easier to do this in His Presence---Lord, may I Practice *Thy Presence today.
*Live in the light of it.

Borderless Jigsaw Puzzle

8/1/09
Approaching 40 years with “my man” and seeing his mother (Mommar) without hers (would have been 65 years just 2 weeks ago), I am sobered. I can’t imagine what life would look like without Larry. Then I read in Beth Moore’s, Voices of the Faithful, of a widow who described it as I was feeling. Puzzle pieces of one’s life in disarray everywhere.
Mommar must feel that way, even in her tenuous mental state. She has teared up several times today and told me of her neighbor whose husband has also died and the neighbor’s anger that her hubby died before she did. She spoke of the neighbor’s fear. She was empathizing and it was painful for her. I’m sure that she feels that there are no borders for her to build on in this new jumble of a widow’s puzzle. Where will she start? What can she do?
How can I help? She was already struggling with beginning dementia and Grandaddy was her one stabilizing factor---that and her home. Now she has to leave her home each weekend to stay with us or another of her children. She’d really rather be at home. She has no control---no car keys or house keys anymore. She’s trying so hard to hold on to some semblance of her past---life as she once knew it. It is so painful to watch.
I know that God has assigned our portions and made our lot secure---those boundary lines of ours (even the ones we can’t see) are in His hands and He can rebuild the shattered pieces in our lives (& minds)---one piece at a time. But how can I help her understand? Is it even possible? Maybe the lesson is for us, the caregivers, as somedays her mind understands and somedays it doesn’t.
Losing a spouse can be devastating, I’m sure. Losing control of certain aspects of your life (& memory) can be equally upsetting.
It’s hard to make sense out of life when our minds are in chaos and our dreams have been shattered. But God…………

“Lord, I lay this all at the foot of the cross. Use me to minister to Mommar even when I can’t begin to understand all she’s going through. I pray Your best for her. It doesn’t have to make sense to me---I just trust Your leading even when the circumstances seem overwhelming both physically and emotionally. As a family, may we become linked and locked in spiritual unity to provide the best border she needs for this new jigsaw-type season in her life.”

Anniversary Angst

7/31/09
Celebrations are a “biggie” at our house---always have been. This is especially true if it’s a birthday or an anniversary date that ends in a 5 or a 0. Hallmark loves us. Therein lies the problem---expectation. In the past, I have come up with memorable ways to mark the occasions of our “significant” wedding anniversaries---usually with a mini-trip and always with a gift----usually the traditional one rather that the modern recommendation that Hallmark gives. I actually started planning for this year’s over a year ago and had hoped to take a trip to a ruby mine, just for fun. There’s one in Cherokee, NC and that’s close to friends whom we love to visit but…………MAC came and plans and resources changed somewhat. Now the big day is just a little over a week away and I’m feeling “pushed” and idealess. So, I need ideas. Here’s where I’m heading---lots of gifts (I'd like to come up with 40) of “ruby red” (just red actually) for my man. So far I’ve decided ruby red grapefruit for breakfast in bed----he loves grapefruit and I’ve already bought a jar of homemade strawberry jam from the Amish in middle Tennessee but that’s as far as I’ve gotten.

• 1 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven---4 A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn and a time to dance. (Ecclesiastes 3:1,4)

For almost 8 months we have had lots of weeping and mourning, so this anniversary is a real celebration. If you have any ideas please send them to me at dotsyliles@gmail.com. It’s time to laugh and dance!

Summer’s Last Hurrah

7/27/09
I started to write about this summer swan song but that idiom seemed too morbid for this week’s upcoming end of summer journey. As I am going up that farm road once again, I do expect it to be bittersweet with lots of laughter and more tears. For as the time ends, I'll be saying goodbye to dear friends, from my high school and college days, whom I rarely see. If I'm running from all those emotions that happen every time I have to say good-by to family, I’m probably getting ready to experience similar emotions on this trek.
Obviously God has more to teach me about emotions. Even last night my heart was burdened to pray for all the parents of “missionaries.” As they say good-by to their children (yes, even young adults are still our kids) for long periods of time, they must seek the Lord for strength and comfort as well.
So, for me and for them, I’m packing this verse for meditation on the “All-sufficient One.” May each of us trust in His goodness knowing that He is all we need in the midst of our life’s portion, no matter how difficult it might seem.

• II Corinthians 12:9-10 (NIV) But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

"Lord, grant me insight into my weaknesses. May I be content with them. May I relinquish them to you and learn from them. May I seek your strength in this area that my life might glorify Thee."

All this to say, I won’t be on-line for awhile because connections “in the country” are virtually non-existent which is probably beneficial for summer’s last hurrah. I return to work on Monday.

Saying Good-by

7/26/09
Awash with emotion. It’s always this way with me when I give and receive goodbye hugs and kisses, especially those slobbery ones from the babies. When immediate family is spread from Tennessee to Texas and New York there are very few times when we’re all together at once. Maybe that’s why I struggle with this mixed bag of emotions. It’s a grieving of sorts that comes with separation from loved ones.

I’m sitting on the balcony of the beach house we rent each year the third week in July, knowing that even that scheduling regularity doesn’t always ensure 100% attendance. Sitting with me is my mixed bag of emotions----believe me, it’s pretty big! It’s especially big right now because two Suburbans full of Texans just left followed by the Memphis trio. NYC twosome and Larry are easing into their day with coffee and I’m out here feeling so sad and somewhat left behind. Just wait ‘til I put Josh & Megan on the plane---I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. On a good year, Uncle Josh and Megan join us at the beach and then Larry and I will usually see him one other time. From a mom’s point of view, that’s not enough.

Then poor Larry is stuck with me for the 9 hour drive home where I try to deal with these feelings. Sometimes that means I try not to “feel” because it hurts----remember, I know how to do the avoiDANCE when it comes to feelings. Sometimes these repressed emotions seem to explode when other of life’s circumstances (often unrelated) bring these feelings to a head. Today I’m praying that the Lord will grant insight from these emotions.

Right now the clouds are rolling in and covering the beach. There’s even lightning on the horizon. Somehow that darkness and thunder that follows the lightning seems to reflect my mood---it’s covering me over with shadows of gloom. The lump in my throat is constricting and my eyes are filling with tears. It seems that we have so little time together and the week goes by so-o-o fast. There seems to be so much felt and so little said---just not enough time to say it all. Even at the beach the tyranny of the “urgent” (feeding, pottying, and napping) can rob us of time.

But God……this week showed me that those urgencies do not necessarily rob me of joy. All that cooking and bathing and reading to the boys was pure joy. That’s where my wandering thoughts began to go as my emotional roller coaster slowed enough to allow me to see the abundance of blessings I had received during the week. (In everything give thanks; I Thess. 5:18) Watching John Parker go from a few timid steps to walking from one room to the next, helping Noah use an old timey egg beater to make chocolate shakes for all the boys, hearing Caleb’s account of learning to snorkel with Pop-Pop, digitally capturing Nathan’s triathlon challenge with Uncle Josh and hearing Owen squeal with delight as he chased his cousins. It was just the ordinary stuff of families who share love. Without the love there wouldn’t be all this hurt. God has shown me that love and pain are not mutually exclusive. They can indeed occur at the same time.

Am I blessed? Yes!! Is my heart aching? Yes!!

My journal is now smudged with tears along with John Parker’s scribbles and when I take this home to type on the computer it will take longer than usual because he also rearranged my “shift” key. Will I be angry? No, but it will probably make me cry as I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay to love and hurt at the same time---that’s why it’s so hard to say good-by. 

So, I’ll just say, “Nite, I love you,” because that’s the Liles way to show love at the end of the day, even if we’re miles apart.

Beach Bound

7/15/09
Heading south and will be joined by 14-16 other family members, fiancés, etc. on Saturday----it’s a tradition the big kids won’t let us relinquish and the 5 grandboys love as well. Larry and I always try to have a few days relaxing time for us before the non-stop onslaught. A typical beach day includes numerous trips to beach and pool, (trust me, if we’re settled in one place, someone is ready to go to the other) naps, meals---lots of cooking, because restaurants shudder when we approach---baths, stories, diaper changes or back to house for potty break as someone is always “in-training, and of course, GAMES---you get the idea!! Love it! Love it!!

This year we get to hook up with Norman and Linda for lunch and a couple of nights with Ken and Diane enroute. We’re excited about that too!

Will be filling my journal with jottings but unless WiFi is available, my postings will be sporadic. Bon voyage.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY BRYAN!!

Birthday prayers for you dear one. Sorry I could never connect via Ma Bell. Trusting Sous to pass along the message now that you are on-line. (sort of) You must be celebrating with all of Isleford--HOORAY!!!

Happy Birthday, MOMMAR!

7/12/09 HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMAR!!

Mary Black Liles
One of a kind---without complaint.
Mother of Bobby, Larry, Susan & Bill
Mostly quiet and reflective
Always a loving wife
Rightly related to the Lord!

She’s with us for few days so I’ll be off-line.

Fruit #3 -- PEACE

7/11/09
Tetchy is a word my grandmother used. I thought she was just mispronouncing touchy because of the context in which she used it. Years later I realized how “spot on” she was as she used it to describe some rather disagreeable folks---bad-tempered, crabby/cranky/grumpy, difficult, You know the type, just plain irritable. That’s what I’ve been lately---at least on the inside. I’ve tried to blame it on lots of things---age, fatigue, lack of hormones, etc. All of these characteristics are symptomatic of people not at “peace.” Peace is in the spirit and soul of people who abide with Him, who seek Him out and delight to spend time in His Presence.

I want that---but I feel as if I need to “escape” in order to do that. I have been hiding behind my writing and preferring not to go out. What if my inner grumpiness and irritability came out for all the world to see. What kind of testimony is that?

Frankly, monkhood (is that a word?) was sounding appealing to me----do they take women? It would at least be an escape from the “tyranny of the urgent” that swirls around me---demands of people and obligations of life in general. What I really want is more time in His presence.
Yet, even when there has been more time that usual, I’ve been like an adult with A.D.D.---having trouble concentrating (coherent thoughts are out the window) focusing on a task at hand (beyond my capability) thus no closure on a myriad of responsibilities needing my attention. Decision making takes a toll and I forget to follow through on those I do make, even if they’re written down. Wonder if Monastery is listed in the Yellow Pages? Oops, they probably don’t have phones.

The preceding paragraph is not a word picture for peace. Peace is exactly the opposite. It is a quiet but potent attitude of serenity and good-will toward others despite the bumps in the road of life. Reality is full of adversity. But God…………

Today’s Jesus Calling reminds us that people who seek the Lord instead of the world’s idols of possessions, status and self-aggrandizement, experience His Joy and His Peace. God who is the Source of our love and joy is the Source of our peace. Inner peace is impossible unless it is from Him.
Once more God used one of His own to minister to me. An e-mail from Michèle reminded me of the truth of the occasional sinkholes from battling MAC:

• ….after the energy that kept us sane begins to wane...we can find ourselves depleted on a physical, emotional and sometimes relational level. We've given so much that it feels like there's little left for the smallest of tasks or commitments.

• It feels silly, really, after having undergone so many surgeries, that something as trivial as going out to coffee with friends might feel overwhelming, but it's precisely BECAUSE we were so brave that our bodies and minds need a bit of respite…………. I think it's okay to allow those parts of us that are battle-weary to take a bit of a breather and want to be less active.

I’m not leaving for the abbey (yet) but maybe I’ll incorporate a little of the balance of monastic life ---by going to bed early and rising for prayer and time with Him so that my focus is right and I will once again be living the ordinary life extraordinarily well because it will be an overflow of His presence and His peace. “….My peace I give unto you.” (John 14:27)
Tranquil not tetchy!

BTW, the Benedictines do take women.

Joy wrapped in chocolate can quickly melt & leave a mess.

7/10/09
“When economy sours, Tootsie Rolls soothe the soul,” was how the article from March 24, New York Times read. (An adorable picture of Memphian, Piper Gray, who’s in Manhattan on a journalism internship, accompanied the article.) I’m not so sure about that, I think, as I sit typing & munching on chocolate that Michèle brought me from Germany. I’m not a Tootsie roll fan but I so love my chocolate. Sweets can be one of those quick and temporary, and sometimes seemingly necessary fixes to lift our spirits and offer relief. This I “get” because my sweet tooth is often first in line for a “treat” when I’m feeling down----though the relief is temporary and my muffin top is more permanent. I have a friend who keeps Snickers in her freezer for such times. (I know because I’ve shared them with her. That’s what friends are for---right?)
My “down” times usually are a result of “fretting.” Fretting and worrying, as I said yesterday, are the opposites of joy. This worrying can make the “pleasant present” absolutely miserable---until we choose to change our focus. Regrets can do much the same to our psyche. Again, we need to refocus. In most instances much of what we worry about never comes to pass and those regrets that tie us are past issues, in most cases now out of our hands, so we should just leave them there, in the past. These blur our joy. So, do as Michèle has taught me---focus on what you know. Here’s what I know about joy.

• Laughter feels good so I rejoice in having a hubby who makes me laugh.

• Having fun can release me from the bondage of worry so I’m looking forward to a week in Florida with the entire family. Worries are not to be packed and taken with me.

• I enjoy the abunDANCE of grandsons in my life.

• Delighting in the Lord allows him to problem-solve for me.

• Pain is inevitable. Misery is optional.

• German chocolate is tasty and okay to eat for the “right” reasons.

• God is the source of all joy.

• Joy is more about Whose I am than who I am or what I have.

• “Joy of the Lord is my strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)

• Aligning my life with His will for me gives me great joy.

• Knowing Him, therein lies my joy.

• His joy is eternal.

You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever. (Psalm 16:11)

As I read over the list it almost sounds "pat" or rote like those e-mails I receive. This is my way of helping me refocus today---sometimes just reciting scripture helps me do that. Often I need all the help I can get because for me refocusing can be down right hard.

The more focused I am on what/Who brings me joy, the less I’ll need the chocolate that gives me the 30-60 second lift/boost of spirit and often the miserable after feeling or the urge for more empty calories. Today I know real joy---SWEET!!