1/17/09
4:45 am wake-up which is “sleeping in” for me---already preparing to sharpen more pencils---what’s this all about?? WAITING—since no results are due until Tuesday—trying to make self eat----now that’s a switch---Molly brought me some homemade challah (sp?) bread but it’s from a great Jewish bakery and it does appeal to me---plan on resting and reading ---Larry’s going to print e-mail messages for me on pink paper---they will be there to keep me “in the Pink” as he reads then to me during recovery---and I’ll be trying to stay away from germs. My day and time to pray for Warriors on the Wall for church---it’s been my ”routine” since 1995, I think, and routine is comforting to me especially from the view of my prayer chair.
1/16/09 Friday ---became my last day at work for awhile though I didn’t know that until later
1:12 wake-up—1 Tylenol PM which doc said I could take---must not have been enough. Prayed for 2 suffering spiritual giants—much easier to pray for others than self---praised God for His character traits---in alphabetical order of course. As I tried to pray for self, questions would flood my mind—if my lips are sewn together (he hopes to make 2 from 1 bottom lip) and right part of nose is gone, how will I breathe if other nostril gets stopped up? I live on Afrin when weather changes---with no nose, do I just shoot it straight to my brain? Wondered at long list of things that I can’t take ---why not green tea or vitamins or fish oil or calcium or even red wine? You get the idea---it’s called fretting and Psalm 37 says, “Fret not.” (Friend later sent me an Adrian Rogers quote about fretting---she knows me well.)
Precious secretary at work pulled me into her office with a big hug and said, “Dotsy, it’s out of your hands---so you need to look at God’s hand in this---even in the little things!” How true—that was from His hand---a friend to help me refocus. Immediately I thought of how God has been using my children to work our all the details for me---even from afar. He has awakened folks in the night to pray for me even when they didn’t know the diagnosis. Way was paved through a nurse friend and I saw friend of friend at doc’s office. Talked w/ principal—who like every one else at HHS told me not to worry about grant or presentations or e-books or anything else and folks began to pick up the slack---esp. other librarian so pray for her---I couldn’t even remember that e-books would be under “e” in file. Principal said I had more available sick days than school days left + sick bank and I should just take care of myself---so kind, and like Larry realized the importance of me not getting even a cold before this series of surgeries begins. I guess schools are kind of germy.
A missed call from “interim” superintendent but got 2 e-mails—in last one he responded to my comment “if I don’t quit writing, you won’t think I’m getting any work done” to which he responded, “as your old boss, and I guess your new big boss, I give you permission to get all the hugs and prayers you need today!!” What a compassionate man. As many of you have heard me say, at this season in my life (old) the high school setting is where I need to be and there is none better than Houston High.
Couldn’t find,
Jesus Calling devotional book (later found it right where it always is, go figure) so Molly called and read it to me. “Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times……..do not multiply your troubles in this way! Instead, come to me.” God’s hand—sent a call to help me refocus.
Told student library workers that I probably wouldn’t be back for awhile b/c of extensive surgery on face. Girl in 2nd period asked if tumor that was being removed was cancer---whew---admitting is hard especially trying not to cause concern for someone else. Afterwards my guy helper waited til all were gone and with tears streaming down his cheeks asked if he could pray for me---with his arm around me he prayed a beautiful prayer imbedded with scripture and telling God that “all of us love Mrs. Liles and we’re asking for healing ------I know God heard his prayer and will answer according to His good and perfect will for my life.
CT scan w/ iodine injection didn’t take long once they got started though fatigue had me feeling really woozy and I knew I couldn’t move my head. Again, God had me praying for others and that allowed me “not to be dismayed as I saw the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psa. 27:13---even if suffering or terminally ill.
1/15/09 Thursday (When Molly was 3, Thursdays were “pie days”—we’d bake one for us and one to share---random thoughts pop up a lot)
Grandson, Nathan, almost 7, prayed for me this am. At bedtime, Noah, who just turned 5, prayed, “Dear God, when the doctor is through cutting on Shug’s face, let him give her GOOD band-aids and a treat!”
Hemmed in by those prayers I made it through a day of doc visits (nurse friend had already made calls there for me so things got moving) and consultations and surgery set-ups and re-dos and undos as things changed throughout the day. Reconstruction doc at 9am (affirmed by many from other states, even) helped calm my shakiness (I spent a good part of my early wake-up letting the tears flow—most I’ve cried.) by his “matter of fact” comments—“chemo doesn’t work on this, radiation isn’t usually much good either---it has to come out.” Proceeded to show me pics---to encourage me, I think----hm-m-m gaping holes and missing facial features can be a little disconcerting even on “someone else’s face.” Said I needed a MOHS surgeon as well—confirming what Buddy’s Dallas doc had already said—and that he only worked with one---guess that narrows my choices. Scheduled surgeries back to back set up a consultation w/ other surgeon at noon. Person setting up hospital surgeries at G’town Methodist was son of nurse friend---that’s encouraging too.
Noon—consultation about MOHS procedure---Doc’s manner was likeable and assuring. He did say he didn’t think his part could be worked in on a regular surgery day when he had other patients that he felt like he needed a whole day with me—thus not causing others to wait or him to feel rushed—so would rearrange and come in on his day off---what a man!! But---if it’s in the bone (and this type of cancer is aggressive in it’s location and can go into bone, muscle, blood vessels, nerves, etc.) he can’t do it since he just does soft tissue. So he was going to order an MRI or CT scan w/ contrasts---opted for CT scan b/c I’m so-o-o-o claustrophobic. He starts that process and I start praying and send word out asking others to do the same. Went to lunch and ordered mashed potatoes. Crackers and now mashed potatoes have been the food of choice.
Home to more phone calls for new referrals, pre-certifications, etc. Folks so helpful and call you back and are patient when you forget your name---Cancer is a word that really seems to make me jump---for me, it makes me fall to my knees.
CT scan scheduled for 2:15 tomorrow—off Humphreys Blvd.---I dub area “doc row” b/c it’s one clinic or diagnostic center or office after another ---but it’s near my house. YEA!
1/14/09
At 1:10 wake-up, “When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Thy consolations delight my soul” (Psalm 94:19) whirred through my mind—Later in day a friend gave me the citation for it.
After not sleeping straight through the night, I tried to begin a whirlwind day w/ insurance, referrals, etc. taking Angie’s advice about not going to work was a smart move.
Unable to focus and do much—Most productive thing I was capable of was sharpening pencils---later in day I visited my neighbor who has been suffering for 2 1/2 years with cancer and went to read to my friend who said he would come read to me after my surgery---which made me laugh because Terry is blind and in a wheelchair. But he’s counting on Claudia to get him to me I guess and he’s bringing a book on tape.
Visit from DC friend, Michelle, here to care for her mom (Sherry Kaplan) suggested a blog—Molly was sitting there and volunteered b/c she thought it would be a great idea to share with folks here and elsewhere—so there’s going to be a blog.
1/13/09
Dr. Schneider called as I was fixing dinner and gave the diagnosis---microcystic adnexal carcinoma. Here’s what I e-mailed a friend after I called family.
I now have gone back & read Jan. 10 in Jesus Calling --the Sat. the day after the doc visit where he told me he thought a biopsy was needed---practice trusting in quiet days---then when storms come the balance will be sufficient to see you through.
The doc called about an hour and a half ago and the news wasn't what I had hoped for---I have a rare aggressive skin cancer that is deep and needs to come out. The good news is that it's not known for spreading--I can't spell metastasize correctly, I'm sure. Hope to know more tomorrow--going out of dermatologists hands to oncologist and reconstructive surgeon b/c it will probably be major since few of these type surgeries are done.
Have told family and called work to say I wouldn't be there and now I've told you. I don't even know how to ask for prayer--I'm usually on the other side. Pray that the Lord will be glorified---I don't want my fears to cast a shadow on His goodness
1/12/09
Biopsy during lunch break from school---quite a plug—a stitch or 2 and I was light headed/nauseated and had to lie back down 2 times before I could walk out, even with Larry’s help. Results in 3 days, he thought.
Jesus Calling devotional book was so on target for me that morning---
"Let me prepare you for the day that stretches before you (biopsy on growth under skin, not easily seen but growing & under my right nostril) I know exactly what this day will contain. You only have vague ideas about it. (the nausea and lightheadedness that followed threw me for a loop b/c I had to get back to school for a mtg.) You would like a map showing you all the twists and turns of your journey (well, yeah-a, esp. the map part, anyone who knows me, knows that) You'd feel more prepared (well, yeah-a again---but He already knows all that, thus the new adventure of trust)....I will equip you for the journey, every step of the way. (Sounds like step-by-step trust to me---should know results in a few days.
1 /9/09
Appt. w/ Dr. Michael Schneider booked in Oct. to check suspicious mole—mole okay—right before leaving, I asked for him to look at cyst like place under right nostril –which from across from where he stood he couldn’t see it (which a plastic surgeon had told me 4 yrs. ago, you don’t want to fool with that, don’t remember him touching it)—but up close and touching he could feel hardness ---said he’d never seen anything like it and though probably not cancer because my skin was smooth and cancer works from top down & this seemed to come from bottom up, he wanted to do a biopsy—which he only does on Mon. and since he was going to be closed on MLK day, I asked for the 12th.
