OVERWHELMED

8/24/09 Overwhelmed?? Then you, along with me, need to overwhelmingly conquer.
Have you ever been so inundated with the urgencies of life that it weighs you down? Life’s happenings are a part of the reality of the world we live in---wars and terrorism ---the plight of the jobless and homeless--health, accident or weather related tragedies. Often folks we know are affected, other times it’s the faceless folks of the headlines.

Sometimes it’s our more mundane life happenings, right on our own door step, that are taking their toll. Fatigue, irritability and even anger and depression can set in because we’re just “flat out” overwhelmed. So what’s one to do?
I found myself struggling in this last week. One more time I was reacting instead of responding to ones I love dearly. Mostly I tried to hide from the situation and avoid confronting the problem---you know, my old avoiDANCE.
My friend, Michèle, hides behind her camera---I hide behind my “pen.” We both are seeking solitude and silence instead of facing the difficulty.
I don’t think burying one’s head in the sand and refusing to confront or acknowledge a problem or to even think about an unpleasant situation is the answer. Although escaping reality occasionally is certainly a common choice these days---why else would the soaps keep running and the Twilight series keep selling. (Granted, I would choose the books over the soaps any day, even though they are about vampire love---especially since even many of my friends in the faith say they can’t put them down.) Remembering that escape is only momentary is imperative to one's health. That way it doesn’t become an addiction but is used as a positive time of refreshment, albeit temporary.

What’s been getting me down is that I have the audacity to be overwhelmed about anything. I can sit here and blog in a cool house with big glass of sweet tea and a “poor me" attitude—I’m weighed down by stuff I just don’t want to deal with attitude.”
Just making decisions has been beyond me lately. No matter how much I remind myself of the insignificance of events/situations (in the grand scheme of things) that get me down, I still falter/complain.

But God…………….spoke to my heart through a verse on a bookmark. I do love bookmarks, especially ones with verses. Imagine that!
As always, the verse was so timely and after all, it is Monday.

So……….ponder--contemplate--- consider this---read a different version----deliberate---think----turn over in your mind ---write it down---mull over----reflect---think carefully (with full intent of scripture in mind), memorize and ask yourself, “What are all these things in my life that need to be conquered?”……..you get the idea. That's just "meditation" amplified.

But in all these things overwhelmingly conqueror through Him who loved us. (Romans 8:37)

It’s our Women’s Ministry verse for the year so I’ll be meditating on this for quite a few Mondays.

Saying Good-by

7/26/09
Awash with emotion. It’s always this way with me when I give and receive goodbye hugs and kisses, especially those slobbery ones from the babies. When immediate family is spread from Tennessee to Texas and New York there are very few times when we’re all together at once. Maybe that’s why I struggle with this mixed bag of emotions. It’s a grieving of sorts that comes with separation from loved ones.

I’m sitting on the balcony of the beach house we rent each year the third week in July, knowing that even that scheduling regularity doesn’t always ensure 100% attendance. Sitting with me is my mixed bag of emotions----believe me, it’s pretty big! It’s especially big right now because two Suburbans full of Texans just left followed by the Memphis trio. NYC twosome and Larry are easing into their day with coffee and I’m out here feeling so sad and somewhat left behind. Just wait ‘til I put Josh & Megan on the plane---I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. On a good year, Uncle Josh and Megan join us at the beach and then Larry and I will usually see him one other time. From a mom’s point of view, that’s not enough.

Then poor Larry is stuck with me for the 9 hour drive home where I try to deal with these feelings. Sometimes that means I try not to “feel” because it hurts----remember, I know how to do the avoiDANCE when it comes to feelings. Sometimes these repressed emotions seem to explode when other of life’s circumstances (often unrelated) bring these feelings to a head. Today I’m praying that the Lord will grant insight from these emotions.

Right now the clouds are rolling in and covering the beach. There’s even lightning on the horizon. Somehow that darkness and thunder that follows the lightning seems to reflect my mood---it’s covering me over with shadows of gloom. The lump in my throat is constricting and my eyes are filling with tears. It seems that we have so little time together and the week goes by so-o-o fast. There seems to be so much felt and so little said---just not enough time to say it all. Even at the beach the tyranny of the “urgent” (feeding, pottying, and napping) can rob us of time.

But God……this week showed me that those urgencies do not necessarily rob me of joy. All that cooking and bathing and reading to the boys was pure joy. That’s where my wandering thoughts began to go as my emotional roller coaster slowed enough to allow me to see the abundance of blessings I had received during the week. (In everything give thanks; I Thess. 5:18) Watching John Parker go from a few timid steps to walking from one room to the next, helping Noah use an old timey egg beater to make chocolate shakes for all the boys, hearing Caleb’s account of learning to snorkel with Pop-Pop, digitally capturing Nathan’s triathlon challenge with Uncle Josh and hearing Owen squeal with delight as he chased his cousins. It was just the ordinary stuff of families who share love. Without the love there wouldn’t be all this hurt. God has shown me that love and pain are not mutually exclusive. They can indeed occur at the same time.

Am I blessed? Yes!! Is my heart aching? Yes!!

My journal is now smudged with tears along with John Parker’s scribbles and when I take this home to type on the computer it will take longer than usual because he also rearranged my “shift” key. Will I be angry? No, but it will probably make me cry as I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay to love and hurt at the same time---that’s why it’s so hard to say good-by. 

So, I’ll just say, “Nite, I love you,” because that’s the Liles way to show love at the end of the day, even if we’re miles apart.

Into the Deep

4/14/09 Daily Light entry (scriptures read by Billy Graham’s Family each day so they are all on the same page)

Psalm 63:5, 6 “…my mouth shall praise you with joyful lips..”
Did you hear my A-men!----written 4/13/09 just before Surgery #5----

Yesterday’s Allen Bible Church message was from 1 Peter 1:3 with a few sidesteps to other Peter encounters from the seashore to the cross. (Matt. 24:34) The first was a reminder from Luke 5 when Jesus was teaching by the sea of Gennesaret (Sea of Galilee) and saw the two boats vacated by the fishermen. He got into Simon’s (Peter) boat and began teaching from the boat just a little ways from the land. When He finished speaking, He asked Peter to “Put out into the deep…..” It goes on to tell of Peter’s obedience because it was the “Master’s bidding”---even though he knew, according to the fisherman’s way of thinking, that fish were not to be had. As a result of his obedience, the catch was so large their nets were beginning to break. They called the other boat ---and then both boats began to sink. At that moment Simon (Peter) recognized his own sinfulness. The result: all the men left everything and followed Jesus.

The last few weeks since my first encounter with some of the stories from the Sea of Galilee, I’ve been meditating on being called “into the deep” at the Lord’s bidding. You see, safety for me is in the “short water,” ---Buddy’s toddler term for the shallow end. Even as I’ve watched our grandboys learning to swim, I’ve seen them cling to the safety of the steps or the shallow end of the pool. That was their security---what they knew—no unknowns---they could see their own feet and therein lay their confidence. It didn’t matter that they saw their father with arms outstretched bidding them to come. They even knew that he loved them and was trustworthy but still they held back---clutching to what they did know---how good it felt to touch bottom with their own two feet.
It seems to me that even in our daily lives most of us resist the deep for the shallows, preferring even to talk about the weather, the latest “Dancing with the Stars” segment or, as we age, our current maladies---dubbed the “death and dying report” by Drenda’s family. Going into the deep in a relationship involves a step of faith, a taking of risks. Relationships with friends and family often consist of a brief e-mail or phone message where we can skim and skirt real life issues. Spiritually, a quick quiet time becomes a check off item on our to-do list rather than a time of sitting in His presence, deepening our relationship with Him. How do I know these things---because I am chief among the “guilty.” But God…….

My cancer diagnosis seemed to be a way the Lord called me “into the deep.” Though I didn’t really have a choice as Peter did, I had a choice of response---anger, fear/worry, questioning, etc. I have dealt with some fear and apprehensions along the way, but I can honestly say that once I gave my itsy bitsy bit of faith over to Him, he began to teach me. I learned to rely on His faithfulness and to trust Him more. I knew that at His bidding I was ready to follow Him even though MAC felt like a very “deep” and dark unknown.

One can’t fake this stuff, at least, I can’t. A “put on” happy face soon fades. You have to come to that point in the dark where your spirit is quiet---and His strength becomes your trust. That’s the way it was for me---not just squelching my anxiety but by coming to the end of myself---my strength was to step aside and to “be still and know that He was God.” And then He began to teach me things, I would have never known without this “trial.” I saw His sufficiency when I learned to “watch” for it. I saw His abundant grace. I think for the first time, I began to understand His love and mercy. I do not have the gift of compassion, so recognizing mercy is huge for me. Maybe, like Peter I have seen my sinful self.

I know this sinful part of me because just when I think. as Peter did, that I have all my life lessons figured out, I hear the “cock crow” in my life. It happened just this week as we were preparing to return to Texas for surgery #5. Anytime my actions deny the reality of Christ in my life, I hear the “cock crow.” I spent more time figuring out my needs and less time with Him. My sufficiency revved up. Distractions whirred. I couldn’t hear His voice even if He were hollering and yet, just days before His whisper had my attention. Fear of the unknown once more reared its ugly head. I saw the darkness more than His light. He has more to teach me and He’s not allowing any shortcuts. I was just looking to the end of suffering the effects of MAC. But God.... wants me to follow Him, fellowship with Him, not just on this leg of the journey but for the entire journey---from here to eternity.

abunDANCE not avoiDANCE is my song!