Awash with emotion. It’s always this way with me when I give and receive goodbye hugs and kisses, especially those slobbery ones from the babies. When immediate family is spread from Tennessee to Texas and New York there are very few times when we’re all together at once. Maybe that’s why I struggle with this mixed bag of emotions. It’s a grieving of sorts that comes with separation from loved ones.
I’m sitting on the balcony of the beach house we rent each year the third week in July, knowing that even that scheduling regularity doesn’t always ensure 100% attendance. Sitting with me is my mixed bag of emotions----believe me, it’s pretty big! It’s especially big right now because two Suburbans full of Texans just left followed by the Memphis trio. NYC twosome and Larry are easing into their day with coffee and I’m out here feeling so sad and somewhat left behind. Just wait ‘til I put Josh & Megan on the plane---I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. On a good year, Uncle Josh and Megan join us at the beach and then Larry and I will usually see him one other time. From a mom’s point of view, that’s not enough.
Then poor Larry is stuck with me for the 9 hour drive home where I try to deal with these feelings. Sometimes that means I try not to “feel” because it hurts----remember, I know how to do the avoiDANCE when it comes to feelings. Sometimes these repressed emotions seem to explode when other of life’s circumstances (often unrelated) bring these feelings to a head. Today I’m praying that the Lord will grant insight from these emotions.
Right now the clouds are rolling in and covering the beach. There’s even lightning on the horizon. Somehow that darkness and thunder that follows the lightning seems to reflect my mood---it’s covering me over with shadows of gloom. The lump in my throat is constricting and my eyes are filling with tears. It seems that we have so little time together and the week goes by so-o-o fast. There seems to be so much felt and so little said---just not enough time to say it all. Even at the beach the tyranny of the “urgent” (feeding, pottying, and napping) can rob us of time.
But God……this week showed me that those urgencies do not necessarily rob me of joy. All that cooking and bathing and reading to the boys was pure joy. That’s where my wandering thoughts began to go as my emotional roller coaster slowed enough to allow me to see the abundance of blessings I had received during the week. (In everything give thanks; I Thess. 5:18) Watching John Parker go from a few timid steps to walking from one room to the next, helping Noah use an old timey egg beater to make chocolate shakes for all the boys, hearing Caleb’s account of learning to snorkel with Pop-Pop, digitally capturing Nathan’s triathlon challenge with Uncle Josh and hearing Owen squeal with delight as he chased his cousins. It was just the ordinary stuff of families who share love. Without the love there wouldn’t be all this hurt. God has shown me that love and pain are not mutually exclusive. They can indeed occur at the same time.
Am I blessed? Yes!! Is my heart aching? Yes!!
My journal is now smudged with tears along with John Parker’s scribbles and when I take this home to type on the computer it will take longer than usual because he also rearranged my “shift” key. Will I be angry? No, but it will probably make me cry as I’m beginning to realize that it’s okay to love and hurt at the same time---that’s why it’s so hard to say good-by.
So, I’ll just say, “Nite, I love you,” because that’s the Liles way to show love at the end of the day, even if we’re miles apart.
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