REAR VIEW REFLECTIONS

1/16/11 What’s in your “rear view” reflections of life? Pain? Disappointment? Fear? For those of us with cancer in our rear view mirror, we have to be careful. 
Just like in driving, we have to use our rear view mirror as a quick indicator of the next right thing. We don’t keep looking in the rear view mirror as we thrust forward. The results could be disastrous, even life threatening. For me this last week, it’s been a real temptation to do more than glance at my past---my cancer past. Maybe it’s because it’s been two years ago this month that my MAC Journey began.

Yet, though I know for preventative reasons, I need to continually be aware, I also know that it’s unhealthy to “dwell” on those thoughts. We can’t live a healthy life living in the past. Nor can we enjoy the present and future if our view is skewed by our rear view. Thoughts of cancer reoccurrences can really skew ones view.

Yesterday’s Jesus Calling reminded me that it’s all about focus. “If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you (past or present, Dotsy) you will sink under the weight…..”

A quote in my Bible attributed to Fran says, “Gaze on Jesus; glance at all else.” That is worthy of reflection.

Forgive Me....

1/14/11 Forgiving Fridays are easier to write about than to practice. Yesterday I semi-publically (is that a euphemism for a public of fewer than 5) made a comment that I very much regretted. It wasn’t exactly the words as much as the implication---the slight rolling of the eyes. It was the skepticism in my heart. I should have been rejoicing at the comment that someone was attending church.
CONVICTION had me return later in the day and ask forgiveness of the one whose comment I was somehow questioning. She was very gracious and said she hadn’t thought a thing about it. She did accept my forgiveness.
Now the next phase has entered, I can’t seem to forgive myself. I keep taking it around the block with me---can’t let it go----beating myself up about it. Is it fear of what others must think of me as I have shown my sinful self? Pride? Is there more I am to do?
God said do you believe my Word, Dotsy? I forgive you.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (I John 1:9)

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy. (Micah 7:18)

Forgive me Lord. Forgive me for not taking you at your Word and relishing your forgiveness and mercy, thereby forgiving myself.

Yearly Check-Up ✔

1/12/11 There are clear indicators that today is THE day----females of all ages can appreciate the meaning of the “yearly check up.”

Legs shaved--✔ (pits too)

Teeth brushed, even tongue ✔ (not sure why, he doesn’t look in my mouth*)

Breath mints close by ✔ (just in case nerves bring on bad breath)

Lingerie coordinated ✔ (only the hook in the curtained area sees these, but it’s part of the routine)

Pre-visit diet of “plain” foods ✔ (Don’t want to embarrass self on the table)

Anything else would be TMI so I’ll end my checklist. Besides more than just the mental dread of “stirrups looming” and the anticipation of pain, there is the ensuing panic (of being found out) brought on by answering those questions.

• Any weight changes? No comment. (Scared /dreading to face the scales----knowing that every piece of Christmas fudge & divinity would join me there.)
  
• Meds? Are you taking your calcium & multi-vitamin? Well……sometimes. (rationalization offered that the Centrum silver (for old ladies) makes my stomach hurt.)
  
• Exercise? Hm-m-m….does chasing 6 little boys under the age of 8 count?

I can rationalize and make excuses for all the questions asked during this yearly “physical” check-up, just like I could if I were taking a yearly spiritual check-up. I would dread admitting that I’ve put some “heavy” stuff in my mind that would not be nourishing. I would have to admit that the sometimes inconsistent antidote to make me strong & not frail, would be the daily consistent intake of God’s word. I would have to admit that I need more exercise in the area of “deep meditation” not just the running through of the daily devotional passage in order to ✔ if off of my spiritual to do list. Wow---this is convicting to me. How about you?

*1/13/11 He actually did look in my mouth and even probed my neck---looking for tumors, I guess.

WAR EAGLE!!

1/10/11 This is really NOT a blog about Auburn being in the BCS championship tonight. Though the game will certainly be viewed on our TV, our son, Buddy (Auburn, class of 92) and his “almost” 9 year-old son, Nathan (an avid Auburn tiger fan and future Auburn wannabe) will be in section 444, row 13, seats 3 & 4! Our son is a pastor in Allen, TX. He and his wife, Day, strongly believe in building relationships with their kids, all 5 of them, as well as sharing their heritage. This requires quality time and often more money than I assume a pastor’s earthly salary might provide----though he’s never mentioned a word to me about his salary or financial needs. (Wow---he doesn’t sound like my son, does he!) But God…..

Last month, a member of his church presented him with 2 tickets to the championship game. The game where this year’s Heisman winner will be on the field playing for Buddy’s alma mater against the team with the Heisman runner-up. The dream game!

The dream tickets---provided by a man who just a month before had buried his “almost” 9 year-old daughter. A man who knows the value of time spent with one’s kids.

To this I say, WAR EAGLE! To Auburn fans it’s a battle cry for their football team. To me it’s a battle cry for the importance of time spent with family, and for those who, even in the midst of pain and struggle pay it forward.

POSSIBLE ACCUMULATION

1/8/11 “Possible accumulation.” Those words can bring hope to the heart of a weary school teacher. Yesterday, Cathy C. said those words were music to her ears. In the past weeks I’ve blogged about words. Words of profanity. Words of resolve. Words of gratitude and encouragement. Words of delight---those prayerful words from John Parker, age 2, that delighted my heart.
Yesterday’s Commercial Appeal had an article about “Music for Aarvarks,” a music class I attended with Owen the week after my Jan. ’09 cancer diagnosis. It was a “gleeful” experience for all. The article was entitled “Songs in the key of Glee.” That title has resonated with me ever since.
This morning I knew I needed to live in the “key of glee” and the first step would be choosing words that reflect my heart’s choice. Not careless words that reflect my natural inclinations toward impatience, ungratefulness or a critical spirit but wise words. I need to practice letting my heart exult so that the overflow allows my words to sing as I speak in the key of glee. How about you?

David knew the song---

He sang to the LORD the words of this song ………………..He said: I love you, LORD, my strength. (Psalm 18:1)

Choose wisely---words matter. A “possible accumulation” of these choices, not based on circumstances, can have us all living & “dancing” in the “key of glee” as well. (even if it doesn’t snow)

4-LETTER Words

1/7/11 Growing up in a home with a mother who could “drop” some bombshells of words, though never blasphemous, and a daddy whose vocabulary didn’t contain any 4-letter words, I clearly understood the difference. The flow of words from their mouths, whether LOUD & clear or soft and gentle, seemed to mirror their personalities. Mother, the verbal, was the more choleric/sanguine type and Daddy’s nature was more melancholy/phlegmatic combo. Establishing my own home as a parent, I knew that I wanted it to be free of 4-letter words—not that a “c---“ hasn’t been “dropped on occasion. In fact, the “S” word at our house was “shut-up” and was not allowed. We said “hush.”

Lately, I’ve realized that there is a 4-letter word in my own life.
If you can read Chinese, no need to read further---you’ve found me out.

It’s not a word I say out loud but a word that for me has all the negative connotations of an old-fashioned “cuss word” and I don’t like it. I don’t like it in my life’s vocabulary and yet it’s one God uses to teach me necessary life lessons. I know it’s a 4-letter word for me because my children see its manifestation in me through my impatience.

What’s the word you ask---WAIT until tomorrow’s blog and I’ll reveal it. Not really.

My struggle with waiting runs the gamut from the “rage” of everyday situations to the dramatic emotion of wanting to run ahead of God. IMPATIENCE is not pretty. Yet, we’ve all learned NOT to pray for patience because the life lessons that teach it are so difficult. So what now?

Internet friend, Carolyn O’s blog gave a worthy answer.

• Years ago I stopped praying for patience but instead now pray for the grace to wait on the Lord. That “re-arranged” prayer has radically changed my ability to wait. I now have HIS power and strength to wait for His perfect answers to my prayers and my cries for help. It has made all the difference in my ability to wait for His answers and to be able to see His hand at work throughout the process of bringing about His perfect will….. A HUGE difference! I used to say that “wait” is a four-letter word. Although wait still has only four letters in it, I’m learning to see that waiting is only tolerable through the power, strength, and grace of the Lord.

JANUARY--- Resolutions or Routines

1/6/11 Though I don’t really make resolutions for the New Year, I do notice a heightened awareness of my dietary concerns, especially my sugar intake. I also notice that there are lots of new people at 24 hr. fitness and realize they could be thinking the same thing about me.

So….without “documented resolutions,” I still know from my “routines” that it’s January when I----

• Open my new 2011 “At-A-Glance calendar (hubby’s perfect gift) and using my newly sharpened to a razor tip pencil, write in upcoming events on those pristine monthly pages
  
• Cut out Lean Cuisine Coupons (using them is always iffy)
  
• Dump leftover sweets in trash (though not the really good ones like Carolyn’s fudge)
  
• E-mail Ellen about walking
  
• Floss more
  
• Make mini adjustments to my diet & don’t include Houston’s butter cookies on my Tuesday lunch order (not yet anyway)
  
• Smell like grapefruit in the morning----it splatters all over me
  
• Read magazine articles on organizing & clearing clutter
  
• Start looking for Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman to read, yet again. (1 of only 2 books I reread)

So, you ask---why no resolutions? I know myself---short-term goals are better for me. I tend to “fret” over my unfulfilled resolutions. (i.e. failures) Romans 7:14-20 passage hits the nail on the head in so many ways. Though the passage is about the law & the sin within, there were some verses that really summed it up for me. It’s sort of a spiritual stretch but God does that for me sometimes when He’s showing me my “self.”

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ……..For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. (Romans 7:15 & 18 b.)

"89"

1/4/11 "89"---the number on Larry’s high school football jersey, 89---the longest verse in the KJV Bible is Esther 8:9 with 89 plus one words. 89¢ the cost that Mother would pay for enough hamburger meat (3 lbs) for meat loaf, spaghetti sauce and fried hamburgers from Haddock’s grocery (and they delivered) That woman could stretch a dollar, uh 89¢.

89 FM is a Foothills Broadcasting radio station in Knoxville that produces real faith, real life programming mixed in with their music. For years the station has been airing encouraging words to fill up those who are empty and lifting up God so that all listeners could “see” him. My Daddy has that kind of radio station in my life. His words, though few, were encouraging. In later years, his daily reading of the Upper Room devotional and consistent church attendance were visible to all who knew him.

Today, Daddy is 89 years old. Daddy the “softer” side of my parental duo. Daddy, who was soft of speech, scolded me only once that I remember. I still shudder when I think about it because I had made fun of my grandmother Davenport’s pronunciation of the prefix for our phone number. (Tuxedo for 88) Had she heard me, it would have been shaming. Shaming is never acceptable. How grateful I am for Daddy’s intervention.

Happy Birthday, Daddy! I love you and thank you for loving me.

Meditation, minced

1/3/11 It’s Monday and you know what that means---meditation. Most years I try to choose a year’s verse. Saturday, January 1, my chosen passage was I Thessalonians 1: 14-18 and those 5 verses seem to have “stuck.” I will be reading these verses in a variety of versions and later looking at each verse individually. But what I’ve done so far is to mince the verses and jot down the morsels that jumped out at me. It’s like a Reader’s Digest of Condensed Books---i.e. Dotsy’s Abridged Verses---just little bite-sized pieces. Remember, it’s just my brief beginning.

Be patient. Be kind. Be joyful. Be prayerful. Be thankful.

SABBATH REST----

1/2/11 Sabbath rest is more than a Sunday afternoon nap---though they are restful! It's more than cessation from work---though as a Type A personality I need that too. A Sabbath rest is more than an item to check off on your "do right" list. As a member of a "self-help" nation and a once aspiring member of overachievers anonymous, I know how to even make work (accomplishment) out of an ordained day of rest. (Exodus 20: 8-11)
Today Cole's sermon opened my eyes to that 4th commandment's meaning. It goes much deeper than needing rest. Though the focus is one of refreshment---a refreshment which is found in the Lord, it’s more than a weekly regimen. Though purposely disengaging from the grind in order to replenish and refresh in Him, is part of it, Sabbath rest is about definition and trust. When I rest, I admit that it's not my work that defines me. When I rest, I acknowledge that Christ defines me. It's what God did through Christ on my behalf that truly defines me.
When I rest I trust. I trust that God is the One who makes me who I am. There's more, but right now on this Sabbath day, I'm just resting on that.