BATTLE FATIGUE

5/29/09 Battle weary............
Up since 4:15 a.m. with anxious thoughts whirring in my head. How’s that for a confession from someone others have been extolling lately because of her faith in hard situations. It’s a battle folks. I know many people prefer to read my dance and tea type entries---they’re usually more fun to write too. But today the dance that is looming seems to be the old avoiDANCE. I’m not quite out there dancing on my own yet but I have been assuming the “wallfower” position---just not even wanting to get on the floor. That dance floor is slick with reality. I don’t want to stumble. I don’t want the world to rate me and thus rate the Lord because I miss a step. This isn’t “Dancing with the Stars” but I feel as if there’s an entire world out there watching. I don’t want to be relegated to the “So You Think You Can Dance” segment of life either---the cynics jeering and thinking, it wasn’t real after all. It is real---God is always faithful. I’m just the one struggling at the moment. In my head I know I can dance because I know Who has chosen me as His partner. I’m just having some heart difficulties right now.
After tossing in bed with prayers turning every which way but upward (mainly inward), I went to my prayer chair and began to pour out to the Lord. For me, that meant writing a list. I wrote “Dreads and Worries.” The list was long. I looked at it and thought about it and tried to ask the Lord about it and my stomach just churned and I even felt shaky. Finally---I “chose” to fret and stew far too long---I wadded up said list to throw it away. I walked all the way out to the curbside trash (Herbie Curbie, my mother used to call it) and deposited my list very glad our pick-up day is Friday----that’s today. I need instant “pick-up” to keep me from going back and physically retrieving THE list and focusing on it again---maybe even checking off items taken care of. This was a list I really didn’t need to “stew” over any longer.
The hard part was going to be not mentally retrieving the list. That’s were most of my battles are---in my mind. I need to take the good thoughts captive and regard the other thoughts as the enemy seeking to rob me of my joy. First line of defense began as I returned to my prayer chair and opened my grandmother’s Bible to Jeremiah. That’s where my summer connections group will be studying this summer. The first thing I noticed was the tidy 52 chapters----great for a chapter a week study for a year. It’s also home to one of my all time favorite verses, chapter 15, verse 16. Since that deals with eating God’s word, I began to nibble. I didn’t get very far---just chapter one---but that’s all I needed.

I’m not sure how theologically sound my interpretations are but God---did you hear that, But God………met me right where I was and these are words that jumped off the page along with ideas I gleaned from His word----mostly THOTS right now as I Trust Him On This Subject. Jeremiah Chapter 1

• “To whom the word of the Lord came”----my marginalia, 52x that is mentioned—I highlighted 4x in chapter 1, not sure if "came also" counts---that’s a THOT

• “Before formed in womb, I knew you---before born, I consecrated you, I appointed you” (God knows me too and has set me aside---just for a different purpose.)

• “Go where I send, speak what I command” (feel not qualified, He qualifies and provides the message)

• “Put my words in your mouth…..to build and to plant” (His word is power, not mine)

• "Gird up loins….arise….speak all I command. Do not be dismayed before them, lest I dismay you before them.” (I’m typing, I’m typing.)

• “They (my thoughts) will fight against you, but they will not overcome you, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the Lord.” (verses 17-19 sound like “fighting” words. I told you it was a battle.)

I can dance! I can dance when I “choose” to join Him in the dance of life, even though the floor is slippery!

I can dance!!