Peace

3/22/09 Peace
Submit to God and be at peace with Him. (Job 22:21)

What strikes me most about the Ridley’s home is its peacefulness---whether on the patio with a palette of pansies winking at me, or ensconced on the screened-in porch with a cup of tea (make that a syringe of tea) or snuggled in bed with the morning sun streaming through the shutters—serenity reigns. Even the neighborhood has been conducive to this sense of calm and peace with meandering paths alongside the creek at the nearby park. Spring is in bloom everywhere providing the visual of God’s hand that nourishes my soul.

All of this has the trappings of peace and has been a great place for healing and restoration. Yet, if I have learned anything in the past few months, it is that there is a peace---a peace within---that transcends all circumstances, whether in a beautiful residential area or the stark cold room of a surgery lab, where they are cutting holes in your face while you are wide-eyed.

I’m sure some people wince when they seem me walking down these Dallas sidewalks “unmasked” and can not imagine that there is peace within. Even folks who see me “masked” at the upscale shopping center at the end of the street often look down or away with a sympathetic nod because I’m sure they only seen remnants of pain---fish lips and stitches and a big gauze bandage that oozes with ointment necessary to keep it affixed to my “ouchie.” They can’t see past my condition/circumstance. They don’t know the grateful, rejoicing and yet peaceful heart that resides within.

I’m not saying that I haven’t struggled through this MAC attack--microcystic adnexal carcinomas are nothing to joke about but…..I have always seen the cross at the juxtaposition of my frailty and God’s strength. I would not have chosen this---let me encapsulate---1/10/09 prayer---“Lord, if it doesn’t matter for eternity, I would rather that the biopsy not show cancer.” It was cancer of the rarest form. So the answer was---"it matters for eternity" and if I never know, how or why, this side of heaven, that doesn’t matter----I just need to know that my struggle with MAC matters for His glory. Therein lies the peace.

Actually, I am overwhelmed that God considered me faithful for this “event” because I certainly didn’t “feel” faithful. You know what? I didn’t have to ---it’s been His faithfulness all along. This has been and will continue to be for sometime, His dance with me. He was to do the leading, I just had to follow. (submit) At times when I would start to swoon during some of those dips, that can be part of a dance, He held on to me. Then, sometimes it was as if He put His hand under my chin and gently turned my face back toward Him---all the while keeping His other hand in full support at my back. He has indeed been the “lifter up of my head” even when the March 5 consult seemed especially grim. The prognosis for healing from first surgery could take up to 6 months b/c of CT scan indications of a wide area requiring future surgeries-- possibly for the next 1 ½ years. Larry and I chose not to tell this except to family. Once more, I had to deal with fear---briefly--before once again surrendering to His will not mine. (The scan possibly could have shown damaged cartilage/scarring from a ‘05 fall??) That part doesn’t matter, what mattered was what I did with the information that I knew at the time. It was at this point that I really “danced” with Him---in His strength, with His courage----for I had none of my own. As I’ve said since early on, “I have not been dismayed.” But this time I was resolute---Not my will, but Thy will. I was ready for whatever He had for me and I was flooded with peace---not just warm fuzzy moments of calm but a quiet acceptance that bordered on delight. “You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusts in Thee.” (Isa. 26:3)) That’s what it was---perfect peace, His peace became mine.