Confessions of a Nap Queen

5/19/09 Napping
I am a self-professed napper-----in all the verb tenses. I nap. I have always napped---as far back as I can remember. In college my friends teased me that I majored in early childhood because napping was a part of the curriculum. One friend, Susan, also used to tease me that my tombstone would read, “Just down for a 5 minute nap.” I will continue to nap every chance I get. It is beneficial to me---some folks say it’s good for the heart. My naps are more of the short power nap variety. Today my nap helped refresh my mind from a tiring day. According to William Anthony, author of the Art of Napping at Work, a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, and increase productivity. I, at least, wait until I get home to nap. Naps are restful for me!

There is also a theology of resting. I’m just scratching the surface with it but…… knowing Him allows real rest. Today’s God Calling entry said one is able to rest knowing all is safe in God’s hands. “Rest is trust.” It’s more than just ceasing from activity. It’s an active knowing. “Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Note that the verse doesn’t end with just the ceasing of activity—that can be a form of distrust---but it becomes rest/trust, as one knows that He is God!
I can rest in God and that’s a real refreshing, beneficial power nap---one that’s really good for my heart.
Tonight, “Rest in the Lord,” (Psalm 37:7) knowing that He gives to His beloved even as they sleep.

To Mask or Unmask

5/18/09 A “Smile on a Stick” can be a good thing---it hides scars and wounds but lets people see your “smiling eyes.” Talking with high school chums this past week, I was reminded (by them) that the yearbook had dubbed me, “Merry, vivacious and always smiling”. I think they were giving me permission to take my mask off. 

It was my “self” that was keeping it on. Of course, I do need it for sun protection (doc’s orders) and to keep flowing bodily fluids hidden but…..I can take it off---it’s just hard. Hard because the lips are so noticeably crooked when I smile---and I have trouble not smiling, sometimes. It reminded me that SELF was an area where I still needed work. My friends accept me. Why can't I accept myself,

My meditation verse has already convicted me that it’s not about me, it’s about Him. Not me, but Thee. "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things says the Lord." (Jeremiah 9:23) 

THOTS---let not an overly sensitive gal boast that she once she had a smiling countenance. 

Comparison is not from the heavenly realms. If we compare we despair! I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made---how about remade? I KNOW how bad it could have been, I KNOW things change daily but I also know it’s not what I’m used to seeing---do I sound ungrateful? Forgive me Lord. I’m still struggling here. Thank You that I am rich in blessings from this “event” in my life. Thank You that You can teach me wisdom in this that I can share with others. Thank You for Your lovingkindness to me as I heal. I have come to KNOW thee in a deep way through this struggle—and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, not even a straight mouth. 

Thank You that I have a safe haven like Houston High School where I was able to go "unmasked" today---they accept me scars and all!! Those are my THOTS—What are yours as you meditate on this verse?

Hospital Visits

5/17/09 Hospital Visits There are good hospital visits and those that aren’t so good. This time last week, I was at Baptist Women’s Hospital awaiting the birth of a great niece. Today I was at a different hospital holding my father-in-law’s hand and praying for him as he had just received a rather grim prognosis. Fear of the unknown was somewhat quieted as he was encouraged to “trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God.” Various doctors were in and out all afternoon and more tests and scans were done, charts read and reread and a time of waiting set in---his body seemingly fading but his mind as strong as ever. In that time, I saw him grab the hand of his wife, his Mary, our Mommar, and squeeze it so that she began to relax and feel better. While she might not realize where to go when she walks out of that room, she knows where she is at that moment. I venture to say that she wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else in the world. When he has hold of her hand, as frail as he is, she feels secure. What confidence she has in him to make everything all right for her. There is indeed a security in knowing the one whose hand you hold---sometimes it’s more of them holding yours. I think that in room 551 at St. Francis Hospital, while Grandaddy held Mommar’s hand with his right hand, he was trusting the Lord to hold his other hand and to give him a little more strength, just so he could pass it on to her. As I was leaving, a lullaby played over the hospital intercom---a signal that a baby had just been born. What a way to celebrate life. Even Grandaddy holding on to his wife’s hand was in his own way celebrating the life he has had with her for almost 65 years.

Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling

5/14/09 Prayer Request as I'm headin’ to Kentucky to see Daddy and my brother and his family. I will be off line ‘til Sunday. I do have a prayer request for all the prayer warriors out there, especially all those who are reading the Jesus Calling devotional book---and I know that’s a lot of you. 

Sarah Young, who authored “our” book, is in Nashville this summer. 

She is obviously on a furlough from the  mission field. I don’t know if she is there because of family or just because it’s the best place for her as she is seeking help for some serious medical concerns. The e-mail I received from a friend did not list particulars but I am sure that Sarah would covet our prayers. 

That little book has had such a positive impact on my cancer journey. God has greatly used her words (given by Him) to bless me right where I am each day. 

She has walked the walk prayerfully and it shows in her writing. Themes of thankfulness and trust are prevalent throughout the entries. She has inspired me in my dance---one of abunDANCE because of depenDANCE on Him. (dependence my creative spelling emphasis ) Even today she reminded me that I can relax in His Presence and trust in His strength. How about you? Do you need that reminder today? Maybe Sarah does as well. Let’s pray to that end for her.

"Tuckered Out"

5/13/09 Too Beat to Blog
What a privilege and a blessing to babysit a two-year-old and what a responsibility----don’t want him to get a “boo-boo” or an “ouchie” on my watch. What stamina it requires as well. After our “walk-walk” with Ellen we headed to the library where Owen's first words out of his mouth were, “I’m running, Shug.” After a slight rearranging of a few book shelves, we ended up with two books, Tea for Me, Tea for You and The Potty Book. Guess which one he chose? It did have big pictures of giraffes, elephants and pigs---his favorite animals, who just happened to be sitting on little potties. The good news is he still naps---so did I---passed out is more like it. Did I love it? Yes? Am I tired ? YES! Do I have a coherent thought? No. Cobweb brain? Yes! Headed to bed? YES!

Psalm 127:3-5
3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD.
The fruit of the womb is a reward. 4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
 so are the children of one's youth.* How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

*THOT: I think youth is a key word in this verse.
Here’s what Constable has to say about those verses.
In Solomon's day grown children normally cared for their parents in their old age. They would defend them as the parents became increasingly dependent and vulnerable. That is what Solomon evidently had in mind in verses 4 and 5. Thus children can be a kind of insurance policy, but not one that someone can work hard to buy. They are a gift from God.

Microcystic Adnexal Carcinoma

5/12/09 About Face The title for this entry is to facilitate a “google” search for someone who might have just been diagnosed with MAC and has no idea about this cancer---probably the doctor doesn’t know much either. It was my daughter Molly’s diligence in her google search that led her to Germany and “my” Michèle, whose journey with MAC is a year ahead of mine. She has been my encourager, reality checker, prayer warrior and friend. Nothing quite bonds people like being on the same side of a suffering. To have not only found a MAC survivor but to have found one who walked that long, daunting road of the unknown with God has been one of the greatest blessings of this “dance” of mine. I hope to become that for someone as well---plus, I can introduce him/her to Michèle and her journey and he/she can be really blessed. The sub title is the next step that I’m experiencing as I am getting ready to return to work next Monday. I’m not sure if I’m trying to prepare my HHS friends or myself. I know that the results are better than I, and my doctors, ever dreamed they would be. For that I am grateful. I know that I, by Dr. Ha’s recommendation, need a lifestyle change about sunlight---wearing a mask and hat or both are necessary. The mask is easier for quick trips involving sunlight. It also hides the mucus that easily flows from my “new” right nostril without me feeling it ‘til it reaches my chin. Dr. Ha says it’s because my mucosa went into shock during the surgery and is now waking up. And the lips it flows over have no feeling and never will---at least that’s what I understood from a nerve discussion we had. I also drool out of the right side of my mouth for no apparent reason and actually have lip exercises for that and other eating difficulties---all of which seem to improve weekly. I guess those “lip calisthenics” are working. At this point public salad slurping and cereal eating are out of the question but I can eat most anything in smaller bites, especially on my left/good side. I still use a straw for drinking---it’s just easier and more comfortable. I keep some with me at all times---they help me with heat---which I can’t feel as well. That’s the physical part. The other part deals with my new look---not bad, but different---maybe not even permanent. Those who know me think it looks great---what else can they say, right? Considering every other possibility it is good but lets just say I don’t relish having my picture made. I have seen others look askance and feel their discomfort. That’s the way society is---I’m praying that I will become more sensitive in a positive way to folks with disfigurations of any kind. Even now I see God’s great goodness in my unusual lips and flat nostril. As God would have it, I went to Michèle’s blog to see her latest posting. I “accidentally” clicked the bookmark that went to her June 12, 2008 posting---written just 2 days after her mohs surgery to remove her tumor. She has not had to have reconstruction. She is such a writer---I just copied a few of her words---on her blog, the words are interspersed with exquisite pictures and I will include the URL at the end (& as a gadget) so you can see the pictures for yourself or read more of her struggle with beauty, especially where weight is concerned. Read only if you want a real blessing! Thanks Michèle. Once again you have written words that are in my heart and have encouraged me as only you can. I, too, see God’s name written in my wound and to that I say, “A-men!”

• As I've spent so much time looking at the world around me through the lens of my camera, I've been prompted to think about beauty. Another factor in my beauty-musings might be the decidedly unflattering aspect of my own face these days, pictured here two days after my surgery. The word "ew" doesn't really do it justice--and I'm referring to the incision, swollenness and stitches, not to my lack of makeup!

• Is beauty the aesthetic tyranny of unachievable and unnatural standards tattooed on our subconscious minds by a media barrage of pictures and diet ads and clothing styles? Not only is flawless beauty promoted as a means to happiness, love and wealth, but the ads have increasingly gone one step further, demonizing aspects of the human (and female) anatomy that are the normal attributes of real bodies engaged in the aging process: wrinkles, cellulite, sagging appendages and shifting weight distribution.

• Beauty was in the kindness of strangers and the faithfulness of friends. More than ever, I am convinced that beauty is not about how a person looks. It is most clearly displayed in that person's motivations and how he/she touches the lives of others. (Psalm 27:13)

• On a spiritual level--an all-encompassing level, really--the ultimate beauty of my life has been in God's answers to the prayers of so many: in a smaller tumor than expected, in benign other "bumps" on my face, in a smaller wound than anyone had predicted and in an incredibly fast-healing scar. Beauty is in a faith that has allowed for peace despite the medical uncertainty. It is...and has been...in God.

We sang a chorus by Keith Getty on Sunday. One of the lines went: "Oh, to see my name written in your wounds." The lyrics moved me because they made me realize that it is actually His name that is written in my wound. And though I hope it will some day become less visible, each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's incredible sustenance throughout this McJourney. And there is great--GREAT--beauty in that. http://serenitymine.xanga.com/?nextdate=6%2f12%2f2008+23%3a58%3a1.700&direction=n Because this might not link from here, I'll add it as a gadget above Seeing God's Hand---then just a double click should open it. Also, once you've finished reading the 2008 blog entry, you can click on Serenitymine in the upper left corner & it will take you to a current one where she lists "rules for living" for her graduating seniors---a worthy read for all of us.

Meditating Musings

5/11/09 More Thoughts on Meditation
Last Thursday on “National Day of Prayer,” I, along with others that week, had an assigned time to go to the “24/7” prayer tent erected by First Evan’s college ministry. I used the Bible in the tent---The Message. In the intro, Eugene Peterson, listed the components of lectio divina (spiritual reading): read, think, pray, live. To me, that’s another way of defining meditating on God’s word. When I first typed the list my typo had love listed instead of live----but that just emphasized to me that we’ll live out in His love, what we’re learning as we read and meditate on His word.
Within his components, I have reiterated some of last Monday’s ideas to encourage meditation as a way of knowing God.
Read---to truly read, you must soak yourself in it--be immersed—read more than once, read aloud, read in a different version
Think---turning it over and over in your brain, reflecting on it, maybe even committing to memory, as needed (& jot down your ideas or questions for THOTS—Trusting Him On This Subject)
Pray---more than petition, it’s acknowledging what God has been saying to you as you read and meditate & ask for understanding or direction for your THOT questions
Live---this is where God’s word and life learnings that you gain from the first 3 components begins to take shape in your life & you act on what you have heard

Assignment: meditate on this meditation passage from Psalm 1.
1Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, nor sitteth in the seat of the scornful. 2But his delight is in the law of the LORD; and in his law doth he meditate day and night. 3And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. (King James Version)

Great Niece Arrives

5/10/09 p.m. IT’S A GIRL…………………..

WELCOME TO THE WORLD
Olive Elizabeth Davis
8:19 p.m.
7lbs. 2oz.

Proud Parents: Ashley and Eddie Davis
Grandparents: Susan and Bobby McCullough
Susan and Eddie Davis

HAPPY 1st MOTHER’S DAY, ASHLEY!!

Mother's Day

5/10/09 a.m.
My first waking thought this morning was about Mother. All those second Sundays in May when she would cut a red rose for us to wear to the First Methodist Church, are as much a part of growing up as anything I can remember. I always felt bad for anyone who had to wear a white rose, because that meant his/her mother had died. Through the years, I’ve seen ladies at church with a corsage, no more simple roses freshly cut from the garden like we had. Today I saw none---maybe because I wasn’t at a traditional service.
Since May 2002, my first Mother’s Day without her, I have looked longingly at the red roses outside my bathroom window. When my children were younger, I cut buds from that bush for them to wear, even my boys. This past January, when I was diagnosed with MAC, I wondered if they would remember that tradition, the one that would have them wear a white rose, if the Lord chose to take me home. I also was grateful that Mother did not have to go through my rare cancer diagnosis because I thought it would have broken her heart. My mother had tremendous strength for most things. During her heart attacks and cancer battle, her doctors dubbed her a “tough old bird.” But “bad” things involving her children or grandchildren were heartrending. Her own suffering she could endure---but not that of family.
Yet, I think, Mother, my #1 cheerleader, would have loved seeing all the folks that the Lord sent to “cheer” me along. That visible goodness of the Lord in the land of the living would have thrilled her heart. If she could see from heaven, I bet she’s throwing rose petals, both red and white, some for me and some for her.

One who walked in truth (3 John v.4)

5/9/09

In memory
of
John Steven Hawkins
who loved God, his family and his country
April 1983-May 2009
Son of Steve and Claudia
Brother of Helen

Attending the funeral just a couple of hours after I heard of his death, I was greeted by his mother, who hugged me and told me that she had been praying for me. Now it’s my turn to pray and I ask my prayer warriors to join me in praying extra measures of mercy and grace from the God of all Comfort for this family who today buried their only son and brother.