Self is Ugly!

5/25/09 SELF is Ugly! A week ago today, I confessed some self-absorption in my life---I wish that were the only time that “self” reared its ugly head. I have some deep convictions about self centeredness----I may move from teachin’ to meddlin’ here, but I think I, and many others, need a wake-up call because life is not all about us. There’s a world of hurting people out there, people with lots of baggage who could use a listening ear. But….we’re (many of us) too busy taking care of #1!

SELF is #1!

S howing E xtreme L ove F or 1st person singular, “I” --me is grammatically correct. I. ME.  Both are self-focused. "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love, give preference to one another in honor;" (Romans 12:10) Ask your self when is the last time you put someone else’s needs before your own—in an honoring way---not begrudgingly. This verse is food for thought or meditation since it’s Monday. Most think that the opposite of love is hate but in a way it’s selfishness---because you don’t have room in your heart to love others----it’s too full of SELF! 

Maybe it’s time we all ask God to free us from selfishness---empty our hearts of SELF and fill it instead with His love.

Memorial Day Weekend

5/22/09 Time with a vet----

Last week-end I took time off and spent it in Hopkinsville, KY with a very special World War II veteran, my Daddy. This week-end I’ll be spending it with another special veteran of that war, Larry’s daddy, who remains in ICU. That requires time and energy, especially emotional energy, so I’m not going to be on-line unless there is a medical update.

Larry and I just returned from the 8:30-9:00 p.m. visiting time. I saw answered prayers for which I was grateful: Grandaddy was awake and he could nod answers; he was not in pain; and he nodded affirmation when told he was loved. He cannot however breathe on his own yet and the ventilator keeps him from talking at all. That is very frustrating and he gets agitated because he seemed to have something important to say or ask and we were unable to interpret. This actually produced tears from him and that’s so hard to watch. I had to turn away to hide my tears. Larry was very positive and informative telling him of all the procedures that were “behind” him and the good results. He gave him hope for a better quality of life than he had been experiencing. He verbally acknowledged his frustration and encouraged him to be patient. Then he told him “happenings” from the day and mentioned all the folks who had called. I just held his hand and rubbed his head and prayed. Wish I could sing. I remembered the comfort that brought me when Buddy quietly sang as I drifted in and out after my surgeries. Next time I think I’ll read Psalms to Grandaddy---there’s no tune, but the Psalms were the hymnal of the Jewish people and this "Book of Praises" offers such comfort. Maybe just hearing the words will put a song in his heart and lift his spirit. That would lift my spirit.

Breath Prayers

5/21/09 Breath Prayers
Last night as we gathered around Grandaddy’s (Larry’s dad) hospital bed, we held hands and I prayed. Tears flowed, hands were squeezed. Grandaddy smiled and mumbled thanks. Today I read, “How can I, your servant, talk with you, my lord? My strength is gone and I can hardly breathe”. (Daniel 10:17)
 I think that must be how Grandaddy felt last night. Having experienced others standing in the gap to pray when I didn’t have the strength, I understood his smile.
Trying to sleep when we got home was a different matter. I had watched Grandaddy struggling to breathe. I have known the fear that comes with being unable to breathe deeply. My mind began ticking just like the old wind up clock that was on my bedside table at 2211. That steady, continual tick-tocking; “what if-–will we,” “can he—if they don’t,” “will she—if he does,” “who can—if we don’t.” On and on the worries and fears dominated the silence of the night until they were like screams in my head. It was as if I were struggling to breathe just as I knew he was.
I had prayed God’s best for Grandaddy and all the family and yet I was living as if I had never uttered a word to the One who gives us our very breath. “Our life is but a breath.” I can trust Him for the outcome. I just needed to refocus. I began to practice the breath prayers. As I inhaled God’s word in my mind, I would exhale the scripture with my mouth. My friend Margie first shared the idea of “breath prayers”---because she did it for me while driving home from Arkansas the day of my first surgery. “I was praying for you, breathing in and breathing out….that the Bread of Life in your heart would protect you.”
This morning with the phones down at work, I was late receiving Larry’s call. The 1pm procedure to “help Grandaddy’s breathing” had been cancelled because Grandaddy had been unresponsive at around 7am. They had to take him to ICU to try and stabilize him. As I drove to the hospital, I began to “breathe” prayers of thanksgiving to the One who breathed into Grandaddy the breath of life enabling him to become a living being---father and grandfather. I acknowledged that our life is but a shadow, a mere breath and that our time on earth is short---but an eternity is spent with the One who gives Spirit and understanding. I committed his life to the One who knows the number of his days and once again asked His best for Grandaddy with heaps of mercy for him and the rest of us as well. To God be the Glory!

Proverbial Prayers

5/20/09 Happy "1year+1day" Birthday, John Parker Liles! I couldn’t write this last night because I had not prayed John Parker’s special birthday prayers at the time I sat down to blog. For each of my children and their spouse and my grandchildren I pray the Proverb that corresponds with their birthday. I’m not sure how that started but it seems to work well in leading me to pray for and against some of the characteristics that are mentioned. I pray verses from “their Proverb” chapter from birth onward but especially on their birthday. So yesterday, I prayed from Proverbs 19 for John Parker, Buddy and Day’s 4th son. Proverbs are not promises but there’s much wisdom given. Dr. Duane Litfin, said the Proverbs were God’s guidance for life choices. I want God’s wisdom to be foundational for life choices for my family. I desire that as a wise man or woman they will always trust God even when they do not fully understand Him. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge.” (Proverbs 1:7) Prov. 19 Bible marginalia for John Parker: • Walk blameless throughout life • Temper his zeal in order to balance it with wisdom • Guard him from folly that his heart may love Thee • Grant godly friends all of his days • Guard his tongue from lying---fill him with Your truth • May generosity flow from him to others • May He be rich in spiritual gifts • May he gain wisdom and cherish understanding • May longsuffering be a part of his character • May he be truthful in all things • A godly wife, a gift from Thee • Enlarge his heart to be kind to the less fortunate • Use his parents to discipline him wisely • Nourish himself on the truth of God’s Word • Give ears to hear Thee and his parents & to respond wisely • May he always turn to Thee, O Lord---------A-men & A-men!

Confessions of a Nap Queen

5/19/09 Napping
I am a self-professed napper-----in all the verb tenses. I nap. I have always napped---as far back as I can remember. In college my friends teased me that I majored in early childhood because napping was a part of the curriculum. One friend, Susan, also used to tease me that my tombstone would read, “Just down for a 5 minute nap.” I will continue to nap every chance I get. It is beneficial to me---some folks say it’s good for the heart. My naps are more of the short power nap variety. Today my nap helped refresh my mind from a tiring day. According to William Anthony, author of the Art of Napping at Work, a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, and increase productivity. I, at least, wait until I get home to nap. Naps are restful for me!

There is also a theology of resting. I’m just scratching the surface with it but…… knowing Him allows real rest. Today’s God Calling entry said one is able to rest knowing all is safe in God’s hands. “Rest is trust.” It’s more than just ceasing from activity. It’s an active knowing. “Be still (cease striving) and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10) Note that the verse doesn’t end with just the ceasing of activity—that can be a form of distrust---but it becomes rest/trust, as one knows that He is God!
I can rest in God and that’s a real refreshing, beneficial power nap---one that’s really good for my heart.
Tonight, “Rest in the Lord,” (Psalm 37:7) knowing that He gives to His beloved even as they sleep.

To Mask or Unmask

5/18/09 A “Smile on a Stick” can be a good thing---it hides scars and wounds but lets people see your “smiling eyes.” Talking with high school chums this past week, I was reminded (by them) that the yearbook had dubbed me, “Merry, vivacious and always smiling”. I think they were giving me permission to take my mask off. 

It was my “self” that was keeping it on. Of course, I do need it for sun protection (doc’s orders) and to keep flowing bodily fluids hidden but…..I can take it off---it’s just hard. Hard because the lips are so noticeably crooked when I smile---and I have trouble not smiling, sometimes. It reminded me that SELF was an area where I still needed work. My friends accept me. Why can't I accept myself,

My meditation verse has already convicted me that it’s not about me, it’s about Him. Not me, but Thee. "Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts, boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things says the Lord." (Jeremiah 9:23) 

THOTS---let not an overly sensitive gal boast that she once she had a smiling countenance. 

Comparison is not from the heavenly realms. If we compare we despair! I know I am fearfully and wonderfully made---how about remade? I KNOW how bad it could have been, I KNOW things change daily but I also know it’s not what I’m used to seeing---do I sound ungrateful? Forgive me Lord. I’m still struggling here. Thank You that I am rich in blessings from this “event” in my life. Thank You that You can teach me wisdom in this that I can share with others. Thank You for Your lovingkindness to me as I heal. I have come to KNOW thee in a deep way through this struggle—and I wouldn’t trade that for anything, not even a straight mouth. 

Thank You that I have a safe haven like Houston High School where I was able to go "unmasked" today---they accept me scars and all!! Those are my THOTS—What are yours as you meditate on this verse?

Hospital Visits

5/17/09 Hospital Visits There are good hospital visits and those that aren’t so good. This time last week, I was at Baptist Women’s Hospital awaiting the birth of a great niece. Today I was at a different hospital holding my father-in-law’s hand and praying for him as he had just received a rather grim prognosis. Fear of the unknown was somewhat quieted as he was encouraged to “trust an unknown future to an all-knowing God.” Various doctors were in and out all afternoon and more tests and scans were done, charts read and reread and a time of waiting set in---his body seemingly fading but his mind as strong as ever. In that time, I saw him grab the hand of his wife, his Mary, our Mommar, and squeeze it so that she began to relax and feel better. While she might not realize where to go when she walks out of that room, she knows where she is at that moment. I venture to say that she wouldn’t choose to be anywhere else in the world. When he has hold of her hand, as frail as he is, she feels secure. What confidence she has in him to make everything all right for her. There is indeed a security in knowing the one whose hand you hold---sometimes it’s more of them holding yours. I think that in room 551 at St. Francis Hospital, while Grandaddy held Mommar’s hand with his right hand, he was trusting the Lord to hold his other hand and to give him a little more strength, just so he could pass it on to her. As I was leaving, a lullaby played over the hospital intercom---a signal that a baby had just been born. What a way to celebrate life. Even Grandaddy holding on to his wife’s hand was in his own way celebrating the life he has had with her for almost 65 years.

Sarah Young, author of Jesus Calling

5/14/09 Prayer Request as I'm headin’ to Kentucky to see Daddy and my brother and his family. I will be off line ‘til Sunday. I do have a prayer request for all the prayer warriors out there, especially all those who are reading the Jesus Calling devotional book---and I know that’s a lot of you. 

Sarah Young, who authored “our” book, is in Nashville this summer. 

She is obviously on a furlough from the  mission field. I don’t know if she is there because of family or just because it’s the best place for her as she is seeking help for some serious medical concerns. The e-mail I received from a friend did not list particulars but I am sure that Sarah would covet our prayers. 

That little book has had such a positive impact on my cancer journey. God has greatly used her words (given by Him) to bless me right where I am each day. 

She has walked the walk prayerfully and it shows in her writing. Themes of thankfulness and trust are prevalent throughout the entries. She has inspired me in my dance---one of abunDANCE because of depenDANCE on Him. (dependence my creative spelling emphasis ) Even today she reminded me that I can relax in His Presence and trust in His strength. How about you? Do you need that reminder today? Maybe Sarah does as well. Let’s pray to that end for her.

"Tuckered Out"

5/13/09 Too Beat to Blog
What a privilege and a blessing to babysit a two-year-old and what a responsibility----don’t want him to get a “boo-boo” or an “ouchie” on my watch. What stamina it requires as well. After our “walk-walk” with Ellen we headed to the library where Owen's first words out of his mouth were, “I’m running, Shug.” After a slight rearranging of a few book shelves, we ended up with two books, Tea for Me, Tea for You and The Potty Book. Guess which one he chose? It did have big pictures of giraffes, elephants and pigs---his favorite animals, who just happened to be sitting on little potties. The good news is he still naps---so did I---passed out is more like it. Did I love it? Yes? Am I tired ? YES! Do I have a coherent thought? No. Cobweb brain? Yes! Headed to bed? YES!

Psalm 127:3-5
3Behold, children are a gift of the LORD.
The fruit of the womb is a reward. 4Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
 so are the children of one's youth.* How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.

*THOT: I think youth is a key word in this verse.
Here’s what Constable has to say about those verses.
In Solomon's day grown children normally cared for their parents in their old age. They would defend them as the parents became increasingly dependent and vulnerable. That is what Solomon evidently had in mind in verses 4 and 5. Thus children can be a kind of insurance policy, but not one that someone can work hard to buy. They are a gift from God.

Microcystic Adnexal Carcinoma

5/12/09 About Face The title for this entry is to facilitate a “google” search for someone who might have just been diagnosed with MAC and has no idea about this cancer---probably the doctor doesn’t know much either. It was my daughter Molly’s diligence in her google search that led her to Germany and “my” Michèle, whose journey with MAC is a year ahead of mine. She has been my encourager, reality checker, prayer warrior and friend. Nothing quite bonds people like being on the same side of a suffering. To have not only found a MAC survivor but to have found one who walked that long, daunting road of the unknown with God has been one of the greatest blessings of this “dance” of mine. I hope to become that for someone as well---plus, I can introduce him/her to Michèle and her journey and he/she can be really blessed. The sub title is the next step that I’m experiencing as I am getting ready to return to work next Monday. I’m not sure if I’m trying to prepare my HHS friends or myself. I know that the results are better than I, and my doctors, ever dreamed they would be. For that I am grateful. I know that I, by Dr. Ha’s recommendation, need a lifestyle change about sunlight---wearing a mask and hat or both are necessary. The mask is easier for quick trips involving sunlight. It also hides the mucus that easily flows from my “new” right nostril without me feeling it ‘til it reaches my chin. Dr. Ha says it’s because my mucosa went into shock during the surgery and is now waking up. And the lips it flows over have no feeling and never will---at least that’s what I understood from a nerve discussion we had. I also drool out of the right side of my mouth for no apparent reason and actually have lip exercises for that and other eating difficulties---all of which seem to improve weekly. I guess those “lip calisthenics” are working. At this point public salad slurping and cereal eating are out of the question but I can eat most anything in smaller bites, especially on my left/good side. I still use a straw for drinking---it’s just easier and more comfortable. I keep some with me at all times---they help me with heat---which I can’t feel as well. That’s the physical part. The other part deals with my new look---not bad, but different---maybe not even permanent. Those who know me think it looks great---what else can they say, right? Considering every other possibility it is good but lets just say I don’t relish having my picture made. I have seen others look askance and feel their discomfort. That’s the way society is---I’m praying that I will become more sensitive in a positive way to folks with disfigurations of any kind. Even now I see God’s great goodness in my unusual lips and flat nostril. As God would have it, I went to Michèle’s blog to see her latest posting. I “accidentally” clicked the bookmark that went to her June 12, 2008 posting---written just 2 days after her mohs surgery to remove her tumor. She has not had to have reconstruction. She is such a writer---I just copied a few of her words---on her blog, the words are interspersed with exquisite pictures and I will include the URL at the end (& as a gadget) so you can see the pictures for yourself or read more of her struggle with beauty, especially where weight is concerned. Read only if you want a real blessing! Thanks Michèle. Once again you have written words that are in my heart and have encouraged me as only you can. I, too, see God’s name written in my wound and to that I say, “A-men!”

• As I've spent so much time looking at the world around me through the lens of my camera, I've been prompted to think about beauty. Another factor in my beauty-musings might be the decidedly unflattering aspect of my own face these days, pictured here two days after my surgery. The word "ew" doesn't really do it justice--and I'm referring to the incision, swollenness and stitches, not to my lack of makeup!

• Is beauty the aesthetic tyranny of unachievable and unnatural standards tattooed on our subconscious minds by a media barrage of pictures and diet ads and clothing styles? Not only is flawless beauty promoted as a means to happiness, love and wealth, but the ads have increasingly gone one step further, demonizing aspects of the human (and female) anatomy that are the normal attributes of real bodies engaged in the aging process: wrinkles, cellulite, sagging appendages and shifting weight distribution.

• Beauty was in the kindness of strangers and the faithfulness of friends. More than ever, I am convinced that beauty is not about how a person looks. It is most clearly displayed in that person's motivations and how he/she touches the lives of others. (Psalm 27:13)

• On a spiritual level--an all-encompassing level, really--the ultimate beauty of my life has been in God's answers to the prayers of so many: in a smaller tumor than expected, in benign other "bumps" on my face, in a smaller wound than anyone had predicted and in an incredibly fast-healing scar. Beauty is in a faith that has allowed for peace despite the medical uncertainty. It is...and has been...in God.

We sang a chorus by Keith Getty on Sunday. One of the lines went: "Oh, to see my name written in your wounds." The lyrics moved me because they made me realize that it is actually His name that is written in my wound. And though I hope it will some day become less visible, each time I catch a glimpse of it, I am reminded of God's incredible sustenance throughout this McJourney. And there is great--GREAT--beauty in that. http://serenitymine.xanga.com/?nextdate=6%2f12%2f2008+23%3a58%3a1.700&direction=n Because this might not link from here, I'll add it as a gadget above Seeing God's Hand---then just a double click should open it. Also, once you've finished reading the 2008 blog entry, you can click on Serenitymine in the upper left corner & it will take you to a current one where she lists "rules for living" for her graduating seniors---a worthy read for all of us.