Waiting Room Angst

6/30/11 Frustration loomed as I had to ONCE AGAIN, declare my gender, race, SS #, etc. Somethings don't change folks----so why after coming to this same doctor's office for 25+ years do I have to fill it out yet again? Were others as frustrated with this clipboard conundrum? I glanced around the waiting room. Mostly old folks. Only one with a cell phone---how rare is that! Most looking at their toes or a magazine. No one looking up. One coughs, others lean away. All waiting as announcement blares, "patient for Dr. Finn." Each hopeful that they might be "said patient." Nurse appears at the door. Patient's name is called. Others resume their unresponsive waiting posture in the drab chairs of the "waiting" room.

Waiting seems to be hard for all of us, especially when the answer might be "negative"---waiting for the possible pink slip, waiting for the diagnosis, waiting for the RX that will offer us hope, waiting for the Lord, whose voice seems to be faint.
For today, my diagnosis wasn't perfect but nothing out of the "aging ordinary." Steps will be taken. Different paths tried. More waiting will take place as different meds are adjusted, 'til right prescription is found, hopefully without bad side effects.

All of this has me coming to realize that waiting doesn't have to be passive. Action continues. Steps are taken. Different procedures are tried or paths taken while waiting on the best direction.
Sounds like the Christian life to me. Right now I'm still waiting on the Lord for direction in several areas. Maybe some of it will be trial and error while I continue to seek Him.

Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:14)

Kneeling in God's waiting room, I await more divine information. As it comes, I'll share it. You'll just have to wait along with me.

Friendship

6/29/11 A recent read, The Dead Don't Dance, included an Edith Wharton quote. I don't know if it's from one of her books (Ethan Frome was a 12th grade English assignment) or just her writings but it certainly spoke to my heart.

"There is one friend in the life of each of us who seems not a separate person, however dear and beloved, but an expansion, an interpretation, of one's self, the very meaning of one's soul." (Edith Wharton)

I had to ask myself, "Am I that kind of friend?"

Are you?

I have many great friends---from the workplace and traveling buds to high school chums, spiritual confidants and prayer warriors. Over the last few years, I feel as if I have "bled them dry," sucking the very lifeblood out of them as they gave unselfishly of themselves to me. I don't want to be a "vampire friend"---one who saps your energy and leaves you feeling totally drained. I want to be a Jesus kind of friend. Loving others as He has loved me.

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command....Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. (John 15.12-15)

Thanks to all who have sacrificially laid down so many aspects of their own lives for me and in so doing have shared that kind of friendship with me.

ABCs---the basics

6/27/11 ABCs. The basics. Today’s meditation is just that. Choose one that speaks to your heart. Focus on one ABC all week or one each day of the week. Look up the complete verse (s). (Clicking here http://www.biblegateway.com/ & typing the Bible passage citation in the search line will take you right to it, in any version you want.)

Always Be a Comforter…..as you have been comforted. (2 Corinthians 1:3-5)

Always Beckon Children….. to the Lord. (Matthew 19:13-15)

Always Balance Commitments…..by allowing Him to direct your paths. (Proverbs 3:6)

Always Be Compassionate….fill your heart with lovingkindness for others .(Colossians 3:12)

Always Be Content…..wanting what you already have and knowing that God will never leave you. (Hebrews 13:5)

Always Bless Christ….with all that is within you and your life will be renewed. (Psalm 103:1-5)

Always Boast in Christ….not in your own accomplishments. (1 Corinthians 1:30-31) (Ephesians 1: 8-9)

Remember none of these basics is possible in and of yourself. But God….. Always Be Confident in Him, not your own flesh (Phil. 3:3), because you are His workmanship and He is able to guard all that you have entrusted to Him. (2 Timothy 1:12)

Friday Fatigue----NOT the good kind

6/24/11 I’m up, but not exactly “at ’em.” “Up and at ‘em, ” a rise and shine type phrase from my childhood at 2211. My “ant to” is flagging---I just don’t ‘ant to (want to) do much of anything. My “get up and go,” got up and went and I don’t even feel like looking for it.

I think you get the picture. Add to that piles of “undone” at my house---here a stack, there a stack, everywhere a stack-stack. Retirement stuff---from gifts to files from moving out after 42 years of education, Mommar’s affairs, from funeral wrap-ups to cob-webby momentos from her Somerville place, Daddy’s cards and thank you notes awaiting. Plus suitcases barely unpacked but not stored, refrigerator leftovers screaming for attention and beautiful flowers and plants, from 2 recent funerals, lining the kitchen counter. I tend to hop (more like trudge) from one thing to the next, accomplishing nothing, at least nothing measurable. Overwhelming!

I need to appropriate Colossians 1:11 for myself ASAP (Always Say A Prayer)---and ask the Lord to strengthen me by the power of His might that I might have patience and endurance WITH JOY during this time.

That, and I plan to do something measurable---nothing tends to satisfy me more, with little effort yet with a sense of accomplishment, than sharpening my pencils. Fatigue is never a factor for me when I’m sharpening pencils!

AFTERMATH

6/23/11 Adrenaline gone. Head glued to pillow---feeling wasted, tired and unenthusiastic about getting out of bed. Need grief guidance.

No coherent thoughts for blogging----but God……gave me 2 quick answers when I logged on.

#1 The Hasslens who lost their daughter Hannah (11/10) have a blog and the entry that popped up was (6/20/11, the day of Daddy’s funeral) The caption was “Comfort for the Bereaved.” These 2 excerpts from Fran Dorf stood out to me: Banish the word “closure” from your vocabulary. There is no such thing, and who would want it anyway? We incorporate our losses into our lives. (I guess sometimes that just takes time.) Don’t have expectations. Don’t compare one grief to another. Remember that grief may take years to work through. (Because of work commitments, I felt I couldn’t allow myself to begin really grieving for Mother until about 9 months after her death. I knew it would be so intense that I couldn’t grieve, care for an ailing hubby & work all at the same time.) Be prepared for tears, moaning, sighing, wailing, trembling, even screaming. (I haven’t been prepared for the way the sadness sometimes sneaks up on me or the feelings that have me frustrated with loved ones.)

#2 Today’s GodTube devotional gave scriptures pertinent for hope and comfort for one with an aging dad who is dying to live. “He’s not struggling to die. Dad is dying to live with God forever!”

When I can’t express it, God sends others with the words that help with the “aftermath” of burying Daddy.

ROADWAY RECOLLECTIONS

6/21/11 Emotionally and physically drained----will post thoughts tomorrow.

Sorry, “that tomorrow” came and went but here are ramblings from my “steno” as I traveled to Memphis the day after Daddy’s funeral.

• Storm clouds looming----reflective of my mood as Molly and Larry bookended me as we drove to Memphis. Molly lead and her big Explorer was easy to follow (after I had a major meltdown) Larry was following in his Jeep to pick up the pieces and protect if I got off course again.
  

• Molly shared from today's Jesus Calling---she read Penni Liles copy that morn. Mine was still packed in the trunk.
  
• Grateful that Josh & Megan were safely home in Brooklyn & that Scott Liles took Buddy to catch his EARLY flt to Dallas----not sure I could have said good-by to one more loved one & not sure I even had the energy to fight the Nashville commuters’ traffic.
  
• As rain streaked my windshield & tears streaked my face, Fish radio (94 FM) played “…. what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
 What if Your healing comes through tears?....”
  
• Recalling funeral message morsels of words that described Daddy and the emphasis that though he was a man of few words, his life spoke volumes---a man of faith, a man of more walk than talk.
  
• Love language Daddy shared with his kids, from pig Latin to alfalfa/wolf talk.
  
• Surreal feeling when arriving home---as if I had left a daughter, and came home without that tag on my identity----like an orphan, yet knowing how ridiculous that sounds because I have great memories of my earthly father and the ever Presence of my heavenly Father.
  
• Realizing that I still had socks he wore on Monday (6/13) before they understood he could no longer even sit up.
  
• That night I slept in Daddy’s socks!

Meditation for Monday

6/20/11 Son, Buddy sharing his Grandaddy Brud's story gave lots of "food for thought" from God's word.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30)

How like God to take the very words that I had included for last Monday's meditation to be used today at Daddy's funeral with different implications---that's just like I asked you blog readers to consider (6/13/11).
Buddy used the words humility and gentle as two words that others often used to describe Daddy but shared that those two descriptors were the only ones found in scripture that the Lord used to describe Himself.

What a testimony to lead a life in which those adjectives come to mind as others remember you! What a blessing to have called such a man, Daddy!

Father's Day.....

6/19/11 ......without my Daddy.

DWD---no more......continued

6/18/11 "Dancing with Daddy, no more"--- from my blog notes taken on a yellow legal pad on 6/15/11, the day before Daddy died.

I stood looking down at his gray tennis shoes with the velcro straps---not the familiar white strings of his Nike walking shoes that he laced up for 33 years every day but Sunday. (No walking on Sunday---his own self-imposed rule.) I puddled.
I knew he would never wear shoes again, stand again, or dance with me again.
With that thought, I felt the tightening pain welling up in my throat and the back of my jaw---almost like a constricting burning sensation. It moved forward and began to consume me. The tears trickled. My nose dripped. I wept.

The memories spilled over. Stories mother told me of dancing with her Hoptown flame at Dunbar cave in Clarksville. Memories of Mother and Daddy going to the Elks club dances, never missing a New Year's Eve one. Mother and Daddy could really "cut a rug" as they did the jitterbug.
With the big band music of Benny Goodman or the crooning of old blue eyes. Frank Sinatra, my tall, stately parents, face to face, would glide together as one. In that front hall at 2211 where I had watched them dance, Daddy, with right arm at my waist and holding his left hand out for my right hand, placed me on the tops of his shoes and taught me to dance.

With all of these thoughts tumbling in my mind, I began to smile, especially when I recalled dancing with him just 2 years ago at my 45th high school reunion, though certainly Daddy's days were not much longer on this earth.

This kind, quiet, gentle man would dance with me no more. I had to let him go so he could dance with Jesus. I knew Mother and Allyson would be in line to tap on the shoulder and "cut in" for their spin on heaven's floor because nobody can dance like "my" Daddy.

To everything there is a season.....a time to be born, a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance; ( Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)

PS I might be weeping as I type but............ Daddy is dancing in heaven.

Daddy's obit & pic

6/17/11 Because you asked...................

http://hughartbeard.com/obits/

So grateful for all the love and prayers----can't wait to "blog" all about my "first" dance Partner.