A.D.D.

3/29/11 Acutely Distracted Dotsy. That’s me! That’s where I am in my life. If you don’t believe me just take a gander at my sermon notes. Where is the outline form that defines my notes? The CAPS for emphasis? The THOTS? The color insertions? Where are all the characteristics that make my notes identifiable? These current notes, with scribbles here there and yon, are muddled---just like my mind. Will it get better? I’m not so sure.
I, who once preferred people arriving at my parties in alphabetical order because it was easier to check them off the guest list, haven’t the wherewithal to plan a party or even think about generating a guest list. A list is the absolute easiest form of note taking. How do I keep going? How do I focus?

In so many areas (other than notetaking), I seemed to have dug a hole and I just keep digging, unable to get out ----creating a fog of dirt and dust in my eyes. I want out of this earthly hole of “unavoidable” circumstances, which I have made larger by my own “unfocused” digging. When I cry, it just muddies my focus even more.

Maybe a better question is, Where are my eyes focused? Will my mind follow since my mind is the “the eyes of my understanding?”

Scripture tells me that the Lord’s eyes are on me? “The LORD pays attention to (literally, the eyes of the LORD are toward) the godly and hears their cry for help” (Psalm 34:15). Shouldn’t my eyes be upon Him? "……fixing our eyes on Jesus," (Hebrews 12:2a)

Help me Lord to return to Always Dancing Dotsy.

His answer is simple. It’s all about a “set” focus, Dotsy. His focus/plan set for me. "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth." (Colossians 3:2)

STRENGTH FOR THE WEARY

3/28/11 GLUED TO THE BED. That’s what my body has felt like these last few days. I’ve reset my alarm from 4:14 to 4:24 and now tomorrow it might well be 4:34. (I know the numbers are odd. Remember, I’m time compulsive.)

I’ve slept a lot in the car while sweet hubby drives Miss Dotsy. Friday night I tried to stretch out on the hospital bed in room 2019B. No rest there, I set off an “escape” alarm that was set for Daddy. Saturday I even slept on the workout platform in the therapy gym on the 2^nd floor at the Vandy Rehab Hospital. I just can’t seem to get my “energy” legs back.

God had answered my Job 4:4 prayer for Daddy that the Lord might “help(ed) the tottering to stand, And….strengthen(ed) feeble knees.” I’ve even prayed for His strength and might and praised Him to others for His provision. Yet, here I was battling fatigue again this morning. So………..more strength verses (KJV) for meditation. Hope you join me whether you need emotional or physical strength or you are praising Him for the strength He has already provided.

Psalm 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

Psalm 59:16 But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress.

Psalm 71:9 Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth.

Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Isaiah 57:10 "You were tired out by the length of your road, Yet you did not say, ' It is hopeless.' You found renewed strength, Therefore you did not faint.

TRANSITIONS

3/27/11

A life in flux. Just like the ever changing weather lately----the storms and dreary days with lower temps just keep rolling in and out. My closet reflects those transitions.

A life in flux, indeed. That phrase sums up these last 18 days. I’ve transitioned from a gal who loaded her pill box with just 3 hormones per week plus vitamins and calcium to the “old people box” of real drugs and an aspirin per day. (3/9-3/25)

My role of a daughter of a physically healthy 89 year old dad was changed (3/13) when he became a recovering stroke victim with both increased memory loss & cognitive decline along with speech and physical impairment. With Larry’s mom, (Mommar), I transitioned emotionally from “experiencing” her dementia/Alzheimer's life to the sudden diagnosis (3/16) of metastasized cancer with the anticipation of much pain and required hospice.

Even abrupt changes in “roles” were evident this weekend; daughter/therapist for Daddy at a rehab center in Nashville, daughter-in-law encourager for Larry’s mom who just didn’t want to get out of bed, grandmother (aka Shug) for Owen as we shared the experience of Madagascar Live!

Flux. Change. Times of transition. Whatever the nomenclature, it is my life. I have been both anxious and discouraged.

But God……..

“It is well, It is well, through the storm I am held” is the transition chorus that was sung at church today between the lyrics of “Day after Day” and the old hymn “It is Well With My Soul.”

Day after day our God is reigning


He’s never shaken,

my hope is in the Lord


Time after time our God is faithful


Trustworthy Savior,

my hope is in the Lord.

---“It is well. It is well, through the storm I am held.”

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

when sorrows like sea billows roll;

whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

What a great “life” transition reminder for me---“It is well, It is well, through the storm I am held.” (Although maybe storm should be plural.)

T.T.T.T. Revisited

3/25/11

T.T.T.T.---That acronym is part of the marginalia I had added to 3/22 entry of my Jesus Calling. Sarah Young’s entry for that day reminded me to ”be thankful!”….. ”practice trusting,” ”practice thanking.” My practicing skills seem to be a little rusty lately. I know that thankfulness to the One who is the “lifter up of my head” (Psalm 3:3) can lift me above my circumstances. Needed----a “paradigm shift” from planner to truster.

That day I chose to quit worrying about the “beating” of my heart and concentrate on the grateful shaping of my heart.

T.T.T.T. is my separated and simplified reminder.

Thankfully Trusting Thee Today

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you. (Psalm 9:10)

T.T.T.T.

3/24/11 Enjoy this picture sent to me by retired SCS librarian Elaine M. while I finish the blog. Her breakfast table arrangement with her GG's narcissus and Jesus Calling made me smile. I bet it will have author, Sarah Young smiling as well. I can't wait to hear Elaine's story of how she discovered that little devotional book read daily by so many of us. I've shared some of your stories with Sarah already. If you have one you'd like me to share with her, just let me know.

Heartsick

3/23/11

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. (Proverbs 13:12)

I’ve learned a little something as I’ve been in this “unhealthy” waiting room. Unfulfilled expectations can be crippling or at least disconcerting.

The doctor would call with results the first of the week----I’ve had no messages.

Is Wednesday the first of the week?

When I talk with an intermediary (nurse) and she says the reports indicate “something” in left carotid artery. She says medicine would be called in to handle it. No pharmacy has called to tell me that I have an RX waiting.

I could go on belaboring the point but that would be futile. Doctors are so-o-o busy. I know that. Someone has to run interference or they’d never get to go home. But I’m learning the importance of our words. Sometimes words bring hope and when there is no follow through, disappointment can be great. Maybe even devastating depending on the emotional stability of the one “let down.”

Think about children. Do adults “promise” them events that raise their hopes only to be disappointed again and again---sometimes to the point of disillusionment? Maybe the reasons were valid. (like a busy doc). Maybe working overtime was valid to the adult but didn’t ring true to the child. Maybe their reasons were just excuses.

Do you (I) do what we say we’re going to do? Do you (I) glibly tell someone we’ll give them a call and promptly forget that intention. Or did we really intend it? Was it just a mannerly thing we say in the South?

I think it’s important to back up our words with actions so that we don’t litter life’s pathways with “heartsick “ people.

Burden Bearing

3/21/11 Alone in a dark parking lot at 5:30 am. Overcome with a wave of nausea and cold sweats---I was scared. So.........

I unloaded my burdens today at work----maybe out of fear. Maybe out of necessity. But I have willing, caring, listening burden bearers at Houston and I felt safe. I do believe there is a time to bear our fears/cares/struggles in solitude. Sometimes I have to work through things and have a good cry before I’m ready to share. Sometimes I go right to my prayer partners. It takes wisdom to know which avenue to follow.

This past week I have felt burdened beyond belief as I have watched loved ones suffer and have felt helpless. Emotionally I have struggled. Physically I have struggled. I am wiped out. 

Tonight I’m taking my burden to THE Burden Bearer. I know that He gives to His beloved even in their sleep.(Psalm 127:2)

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matt. 11:28-30)

FATIGUE

3/20/11FATIGUE……..in ALL CAPS. I think that must be the label above the wall I just “hit.” Actually I seem to be surrounded by tired, sagging walls. Walls too exhausted and too WEAK to hold me up. There is no apparent way out. No doors labeled ENERGY are appearing.

Fret not, Dots. (Psalm 37:23-24)

Be anxious for nothing....(Philippians 4:6)

Maybe I need to pray Colossians 1:11 for myself as well as others.

May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, (ESV)

“worry-webs”

3/18/11

Wynelllen called and e-mailed to both check on me and to ask if I had read today’s Jesus Calling? My answer was, “Not yet.”

The entry had my journal jottings from 2 years ago.That “little” devotional with the BIG messages has continued to be right on target for the circumstances I face.

Two years ago today at Baylor hospital, I had a "line" in my hand. Today at Memphis Heart Clinic I had a "line" in my arm. Disconcerting circumstances both times.

But God……in 2009 had me sharing Jesus Calling books (another Wynellen provision) with my Baylor nurses, one of whom (Martha) was later diagnosed with cancer. This time the receptionist at the Memphis center had the book on her desk. She told me it had helped her through a really rough year. I was able to e-mail Sarah Young (author of Jesus Calling) and then give Camille the reply---- Sarah Young’s prayers for her and all her readers. What a blessing.

But….the “worry-webs” today had been about to consume me. I was in a tangle.

• No early time in His Presence
  
• Problems, though minor, at my morning tests
  
• Meeting with hospice for Mommar as she sat there, hearing but not understanding
  
• Daddy’s paperwork fiasco over ambulance transport from KY to Vanderbilt rehab facility
• Missing a call from “my” clinic---already closed was message when I returned call

Oswald Chambers (My Utmost for His Highest, 1/2) reminds us that "worry is an impertinence to God." He also asks (4/20), are you “slandering God by daring to worry?”

I began to focus on giving thanks. Thankful for;

• Wynellen’s reminder and the supper she provided,
  
• One of my tests was administered by a girl who announced, “You were my librarian in 7^th & 8^th grade,”
  
• A kind, helpful hospice nurse for Mommar---help available 5 days and any other time as deemed necessary,
  
• Daddy’s safe arrival at new facility with brother, Bobby & Louise at his side,
  
• Safe arrival of brother, Buddy & Charlotte to Louisville after 3 sleepless nights of hospital duty
  
• A clinic that calls even if I’m not sure why.

Matthew 6:25a & 33-34 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, (Take no thought of all these circumstances, Dotsy)

33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Time in His Presence is crucial, especially when you’re rushed and tired) 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (A-men to that)

Tonight I’m using God’s word, one verse at a time to tear down my “worry webs” one strand at a time.

GOD-PLACED

3/17/11

Date--3/15/11-3/16/11

Place-- Jennie Stuart Memorial Hospital Hopkinsville, KY

Room 503--At Daddy’s bedside.

There’s no place else I’d rather be today.

Does he know me? No. Can he tell me his name ? No.

Is there hope for a better tomorrow---yes, but never the way it once was.

Highlights: (This is where the focus needs to be.)

Surrounded by family

Daddy’s answers to questions when speech isn’t garbled

Louise asks, “What can I do for you?” Daddy answers, “Politics.”

I ask if he wants more jello. Daddy answers, “Sales have fallen off.” I wonder if that means he thinks we can’t afford more jello.

Laughter---not at him but with each other

Time alone with him through the night

12 “wet” changes between 9 p.m. & 6 a.m. ---often included gown, pads, sheets & sometimes blanket---that’s positive, because “wet” is preferable. (Medicare won’t pay if he gets an infection, so doc doesn’t want a catheter—oh, the insurance “adjustments” of our red tape world.)

Reading Psalms aloud to him. Reminding him that Psalm 121 was Mama Davenport’s favorite. He ate lunch at her house every Wednesday for years and years. Daddy loves a big lunch---always has. Still does.

“Code Red” doors slamming and lights flashing didn’t scare him as the “drill” took place. I, on the other hand, didn’t have a clue what was going on and was nervous.

2 a.m. – 3 a.m.---jello picnic. I became his new best friend when I commandeered some cherry jello from the code locked room. Waitresses at Roundie’s, Daddy’s later years lunch-time haunt, knew to always bring him the “daily flavor” jello after his meal so he could really savor it.

Help from nurses though tremendously short-staffed. Daddy’s first un-garbled and coherent response to nurses question, “Why do you keep kicking off the covers? Are you hot?” Daddy’s response, “I don’t like it.” His answer made sense. It was clear & we could understand all four words. I could have done back flips. What a biggie----a great answer, from a man who never, (rarely) complains.

Daddy’s smiles. He doesn’t know where he is or who he is but he’s not in pain.

So-o-o God-placed. There was no place else I’d rather be!

‘honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 19:19)